I just got off the phone with my boys.
Man..I miss them so much. The other day I was reading some old entries from my blog and I almost cried, well, I did cry. Dang..we used to ALWAYS be together. Things aren’t the same anymore. Everytime I pass by the grocery store I think of all the times when I took them. Everything reminds me of them, especially since I have nothing or no one to really to call my own. Even when I didn’t have much, I always had them.
But…anyway, I’ve been in pain for the past two days. I got my wisdom tooth removed after 5 days of misery. I simply didn’t have the money to go get my tooth pulled. When I received my checks for the old stories I had written, I deposited the money into my account smiling because with this money I could find a roommate before my time at the motel is up.
My tooth just wouldn’t stop hurting. And then a thought flashed…
Umm…You have enough money to get your tooth pulled. Don’t horde your money, it shows that you don’t trust God to take care of you. You have the money, God supplied, go use it for what you need. Trust God for the rest.
Yeah…So after hearing that I woke up early and went to the dentist. It was the hood dentist so i was there by 8am and didn’t get to see the dentist until after 1pm. THEN they sent me to another dentist in Hialeah to perform the surgery. It was uncomfortable but not painful. Nothing hurts as much as the pain I was feeling before they snatched that tooth out.
But again…I’m back to square one with no money. It’s annoying to me. Sometimes I wish I could just get an office job and sit there for years and just “Take it” like my friend Tonya says. She encourages me to just sit back and wait for jobs to promote me and recognize my shine no matter how badly they treat me or how much I want to explore other fields.
That doesn’t sit right with me. I really wish it did.
Can you ever give up on being who you are? Do most people do that for the sake of having an apartment or having someone by your side?
I don’t know. What’s really important to me is having good sons whose lives don’t reflect struggle at all. I dream of providing them with limitless opportunities for their lives. I know it’s up to them to do what they will with those opportunities but I want them to have them anyway.
Man…I feel like I’m always fighting and pushing and pulling and trying to stand up in quicksand.
I study the lives of successful people and their lives always had a great amount of turmoil….I see that. I know that…I just…I’m tired of going through that.
I want my book to be published. I’m ready to begin working on the next one. In fact, I have my next three books all planned out, I just need…I need to have a place to live and some consistent income so I can eat.
I am going to build a lifestyle for my sons so they will NEVER have to worry about eating and they can focus on their dreams and living their lives the way they want to. I want to prove to myself and my sons that dreams do come true. There is no limit to our potential. I truly believe this and so….
Let me get back to trying to figure out how I’m gonna live at the end of the month.
Please send out positive thoughts for me…