I don’t mean to be all down and out but, I can’t stop watching the video I did of the poet’s memorial tribute.
I keep thinking about him and wondering what he now knows that I don’t know about life. I wonder if he’s somewhere around and what he’s thinking if he can think. I’m wondering if he’s in a better place, if there is a better place.
I’m having a surreal moment. This moment doesn’t feel like I belong here. This feels like a dream. Maybe this is all a dream. Maybe I’m really living in a fantasy and I don’t know it. Maybe the pressures of life are all self made.
What would my funeral be like? I sure don’t have many friends. There’s no one to tell funny stories about me. There’s no one that I spend my days chatting on the phone with. There’s no one that I lean on like that.
I got to speak with Mimi today. We had to have a quick conversation, as all my convos with her are because she’s so busy and so am I.
She helped me put things into perspective and I needed that because I am putting so much pressure on myself to get the 30 businesses that I was beginning to equate my worth with this goal.
I tried my best. The job fair will go on. I’ll move on to the next phase of my project and I’ll pat myself on the back no matter what.
And maybe when I’m gone, these words will linger on. I hope they mean something to someone at some point but for now this blog is just my way for me to release how I’m feeling so that I can understand myself.
I don’t know what I’m doing in this life experience. I have no guide and I’m fumbling through trying to do my best to give my gifts and be happy everyday.
I don't understand your passion for helping others when you're not helping your sons.
There are so many experiences (education, broadening travel, etc.) that you could give them if you would at least pause your dream-chasing until they are adults. From the outside looking in it appears that you are either; 1) trying to fix your life by fixing somebody else's or, 2) providing entertainment for the internet (performing).
There are hundreds of organizations and individuals out there doing what you are attempting to do. You could work for one, run one, or even establish your own (while using your education to support your kids). I don't understand why you think what you're doing is so novel or why you see it as more important than your children.
It's great that they have a dad who will step up and care for them, but I'm willing to bet they would enjoy having their Mom as well. I don't really see many people taking your quest to "bless others" seriously until you embrace your responsibility to your boys. Heck. That might even be their fantasy.
The beautiful thing about my sons is, they support what I am doing and I have their blessing. =)