It feels so good to be home and writing…
I’ve been on the go this past week, hanging out with guys and taking care of other business that I’ll share soon.
For the past two nights I’ve been going over to see my friend Kendrick. I met him a couple of years ago and we’ve been cool ever since. On Monday morning he texted me: “A new episode of The Big Bang Theory is coming on tonight. Why don’t you come over. I’ll make dinner. All you have to do is bring an appetite and a smile.”
That text made me laugh. He’s really sweet. “Sure, what time?” I texted him back and went on with my day.
When I got there I smiled and gave him a hug, handing him the strawberry shortcake that I brought for dessert. “I already bought cake,” he told me and I shrugged.
We talked and talked until 8pm rolled around. Then we settled down to watch the show. During a commercial, he brought out the food and glasses of wine on dinner trays. We ate and laughed at the 4 nerds arguing over whose part in the experiment was more important.
You know I love nerds, so that’s why I love this show. These guys are beyond geeky and that is so sexy to me. We then watched the next show, How I Met Your Mother. That show is hilarious, featuring my other favorite nerd, Dougie Howser.
After that we sat and talked well into the night. I like Kendrick. He’s a lot like Steve. He has the glasses, the corny jokes, the creative side, the gentleness. He’s a writer too, working on his first book. Or shall I say, almost done with his first book, he based the lead character’s looks on me, well, initially. She grows her hair out from a low cut to dreads by the end of the book which he says symobolizes her transformation and growth. It’s like an action based book, which he loves. I think the characters are heroes or something. I love hearing him talk about writing it.
Last week he took a day off and rode his bike to the beach. He sat down with his laptop and finished off a chapter. He said he did that because that’s how he always wanted his life to go. He pictured himself sitting on the beach writing…forever.
I thought that was an interesting idea. I think I’ll try it sometime. I’ll take a day and turn it into my dream come true, even though my dreams haven’t come true yet.
The next night he invited me over again and I went to hang out and eat. The conversation turned to “Us” and I began to get nervous. It’s crazy that even though he’s very close to the type of man I want, I’m still not attracted to him.
Then I remembered Tamara telling me, “You’re never attracted to men you KNOW. I wonder if that could happen.”
Yep, I’m always attracted to men who are unavailable to me in some way. When I met with my therapist today I told him about that and asked if there was something wrong with me.
“You mean, you’re NEVER attracted to men you meet?” he asked me.
“Well, I guess you’re right. I can’t say NEVER. But the men I’ve had the most intense feelings for, were unavailable to me.”
“Maybe that’s what excites you. Knowing that you can’t have them.”
“But that’s not good. I know what it feels like to be attracted to someone. I had that feeling with this man I met who lives in Dallas. I want to have that feeling again, with someone who is available to me. Why doesn’t it happen like that? Maybe I’m asexual or something.”
My therapist shook his head and hid a smile. “Only you know the answer to that,” he said.
“Well, I’m probably not asexual but I do think this is a problem.”
“Well, what about your ex husband? Were you attracted to him?”
Husband? Oh, he means my Baby Daddy.
“At first I wasn’t attracted to him. But after I got to know him better, I liked him. And it tripped me out because I wasn’t attracted to him phsyically yet I had this pain in my heart when he wasn’t around or I didn’t hear from him. That’s when I knew I ‘liked’ him– when I missed him when he wasn’t there.”
“But you just said that you had to give it time for the attraction to grow. Maybe that’s what you need to do with the men you meet, give it time.”
“But I can tell off jump that I don’t like them. I never meet anyone I really like. I want to fix that.”
“Well, look at this way. Instead of saying that you never meet anyone that you really like, just say to yourself that it hasn’t happened yet.”
“It hasn’t happened yet? Hmm..That’s a good perspective. Just because it hasn’t happened, doesn’t mean it’s always going to be like this.”
“Yes, and you can look at all of your goals in this way. Instead of saying, ‘I never get it right’ just say ‘It hasn’t happened yet.'”
That’s the crazy thing about attraction. You can’t control when it happens. You like who you like and there’s nothing you can do about it.
I wonder if most women have this ideal man in mind, but somehow they deduce that they can’t really have that type of man, so they settle. What if you meet a man who is almost what you want, but physically, he’s unnappealing to you?
Do you go ahead and be with him because he’s nice to you, he’d make a good father and he’s stable financially even though your heart is kinda like..blah when you see him?
I wonder if anyone actually met and married the person who made their hearts go OoooWeee!!!
I hope it’s possible because if it’s not, then I’ve let a few good men slip right through my fingers.