Ever since I’ve moved into my new place I’ve been…sleeping at night..
Except for the night before last when i was filled with anxiety after giving that girl a ride home. Won’t do that again. But last night I fell asleep and woke up when the sun came up. It was soo nice…
I am so grateful for my new place. It’s a newly remodeled home that someone bought and flipped into a community of renters with all new large studios and its so private! I feel safe here.
I haven’t felt safe all summer long. In both places that I lived I hated going home and it was so hard so hard to relax. I just couldn’t. But that’s all over and as soon as get back in the groove of things mentally, I’ll be alright.
I mean, I think this summer affected me in a bad way. Not only because I lost my car but because i was in a situation for 4 whole months where there was nowhere I went that I felt safe. I didnt feel safe at work or at the places I was renting. It was so hard always being on guard at every moment, never having the chance to relax. It’s really about control. My lack of it in the past, and my desire for it now. Its really defensiveness. I want to CHOOSE the people I have in my life. if you choose me I say NO.
For the past couple of weeks I’ve had a peaceful experience at work. I hope it lasts.
Today I contacted the girl I met a while ago. Ive been meaning to ask her out since I heard she broke up with her girlfriend. She’s so adorable to me and I’m not like…OOH WEE about her but she’s a sweetheart and I would love to be nice to her. I’d let her into my life because she doesn’t demand that i do. She just placed herself there and waited. When i think of her I smile. Im not expecting a girlfriend..but at least someone to hang out with who is SINGLE and can flirt with me and tell me I’m cute will be a welcome addition to my life.
I havent had a hug in a while… I’m glad I’m going to go out with her and I feel no pressure. She said YES she was hoping I’d contact her.
I’m getting better at asking girls out. Confidence is increasing and now that I have my own safe, beautiful space to live in, I think things are going to get better and better….