I didn’t sleep at all last night.
Well, simply because I’m not used to sleeping because I’m supposed to work. But, when I went to work yesterday I saw that all my weekend night shifts had been given to someone else, which gave me a whole WEEK off from work. Thank God, I’m a good saver or I’d freak out but really, I told myself, “This was supposed to happen. Maybe you’re not supposed to be there. Let them have the shifts, you are ALWAYS more than okay. This job is going to be a memory one day. Do not sweat it at all.”
So I felt better.
It’s weird how I can look someone in the face and in that moment I KNOW that they are not going to be a part of my future. It totally changes the dynamic of the relationship when I realize that. Things they say and do don’t bother me because I know they’re going to be just a memory one day soon.
And then all night long I was plotting and planning my next moves. I am so excited about my plans but very nervous because as usual, no one I ever met would ever try to do the things I am about to do so I have no one to go to for guidance at all. It’s like venturing off into the wilderness with no map- all I have is my intuition. I sure wish I had more intellectually sound entrepreneurs around me. ~sigh~
I also had an awesome surprise. T
he older guy I met during my project came by today with my favorite foods. It was weird to see him again after more than a month of not hearing from him. My feelings aren’t the same for him. I don’t feel that THING that I had, that hopeful, happy feeling anymore. I think when I didn’t hear from him for so long, it really hurt me, and now my feeling for him is tainted. When he came, he brought me my favorite foods. Like, literally, he had snow crab legs, steamed shrimp and my favorite chocolate cookies. If he had brought some buffalo wings with blue cheese, I would have probably molested his ass. OMG!
I don’t know what it is about food but it turns me on. Well, you know, food turns me on, gay men turn me on, learning turns me on, entrepreneurs turn me on, (some) women with natural hair and bright smiles turn me on.
Anyway, as he walked up to the door I studied his face. He’s definitely my type. I always tend to be attracted to men who look like him but he’s older. He hugged me. This was the very first time our bodies have ever touched. Besides a kiss on the cheek I have never kissed him either.
He hugged me a BUNCH of times, telling me, “Since it’s Friday, you can one more hug and I won’t charge you.” I smiled and took a step toward him and he squeezed me and whispered in my ear, “Stay strong.”
I hate it when he says that because the last time he said that- right after I got into that INCIDENT and then I was arrested. I think he’s psychic and he can see the future or somethng so I’m a little scared.
He’s very much complimentary to me. He always tells me how special I am and how he believes in me. I don’t get it though. I haven’t done much of anything and no one in this town even respects the work I do or acknowledges it except him. My paranoia tells me that he doesn’t really care either. It tells me that he’s a charmer who wants to hurt me too. He’s trying to get close so he can hurt me like all the rest. Since he already has by disappearing for over a month, I am not at ease with him anymore.
But he did bring me my favorite foods and he did give me a hug so I don’t know. I just really wish I had that feeling back- the feeling I had when I first met him. I felt so much like a woman when I was with him. I felt desired and pretty and respected and safe. Now I just feel like I’m something to do in his spare time. That’s not a good feeling.
BUT- I still have some shrimp left so that nervous energy from seeing him again will go away once I finish that bowl! That really made me happy. Whatever his motives are- at least I got to eat and be happy all day!