I get it now.
I really do.
I haven’t experienced anxiety in a few days, maybe since last week. Tonight I was taking a shower and I thought to myself, “Wow! It’s been a long time with no anxiety. No paranoia. You must be healing.”
Then I sat down to do more work of preparing articles and reaching out to women when my thoughts shifted to “This isn’t going to work. Who are you to think people will climb on board with you? Remember last time you tried? Look at your past. Look at what people say about you. They think you’re crazy. No one supports you. No one will. They are waiting to laugh at you.”
Then my anxiety came back. Anxiety feels different from the average bout of fear because fear feels tingly while anxiety burns in my chest. It hurts. How I feel right now as I type this is anxiety. I am hurting on the inside because my thoughts and emotions are not in alignment with who I really am and my potential.
This is exactly how I felt when I was interning in grad school. I felt this everyday. This is how I feel when I am with most men. This is how I feel when I am in the wrong place, spiritually.
My anxiety is not a curse to me. It is my inner guidance.
My anxiety shows me through physical pain that I am headed in the wrong direction in thought or in my physical circumstances. I don’t feel ANY anxiety when I am working on my website or interviewing people. I feel nothing but pleasure and inner peace.
Now I know why I was “cursed” with this extreme anxiety and from now on I won’t reject it. I’ll use it to gauge whether or not where I am is where I’m supposed to be.