A Message

This message may not be for you. Or it just might be.

I believe I’m going through this rough patch for a reason. Lately I’ve been battling those old demons that tell me to believe what the men in my life have told me versus what God says about me. I hear their harsh words over and over in my mind and I have to FIGHT to get my affirmations through.

See, because I can’t physically fight and I constantly questioned my worth I always considered myself to be weak. I considered my successes to be a fluke and I knew that one day, everyone would be able to see the REAL me and then they would disappointed. The reason I am open like I am is because I don’t want to hide who I really am. I’m hoping that you will see me for who I am in and out of the spotlight. I’m secretly hoping that you will hate me too which will mean that the people closest to me who have always criticized and demeaned me were right about me. Then everything would make sense. Then I wouldn’t be in conflict because the me I know is a good person with good intentions who sometimes makes bad choices BUT I’m nowhere near the dispensible woman that they say I am.

You won’t let me believe them.

Because I have so many people who love me and are affected by my words I am in a constant battle with their definition of who I am versus my own. Some say I’m weak, insecure and worthless but I see something that they don’t see.

What weak person could stand under the pressure of YEARS of abuse and still smile, still be an amazing parent, still hope and dream? A weak person would choose death before enduring another day when the men who mattered most constantly predicted a bleak future for me. It is very important what we feed our children. The words we speak to them now will affect them for the rest of their lives. If you are constantly screaming and telling them that they are bad, they will be.

If you continually brush them off as annoyances, they will become an annoyance to society. Because I was constantly told that I wasn’t shit, I grew up to believe it. I hid it as best I could but as fate would have it, right now, this very day I am faced with a decision.

Do I give up or grow up?

No one is going to come to my rescue.

I don’t have a man to come stand with me and guide me through this. I have to make a choice.

Life or death.

Sit down and shut up or stand up and live.

There’s no sense in rehashing the past if it will not bring any closure to the future. Yes, I have been told time and time again that no one will ever love me and I am pathetic but there’s a voice inside me, however tiny, which screams that these are assholes sent to destroy my mission on this earth.

For my kids I will stand. For you I will stand. For every e-mail I get from emotional readers who have gone through what I am going through or has a bestfriend who is going through it now. I will stand, I will fight. For you. For my sons.

I am going to figure this shit out. I am going to get to the bottom of why some days I can’t eat or sleep with a constant recording of all the negative words spoken to me over the years, all the criticisms, playing in my mind over and over again.

This is not a joke. Just because you may have never experienced this doesn’t make it less important or silly.

I will come through this. I will share what it takes to get past this.

I refuse to lie down. I refuse to give up. I refuse to believe their words over God’s words. I wish I didn’t have this battle but it is mine. And I am open to the struggle. These arms are held strong by God’s promises. They are for ME. He meant ME too!

I will get up from this declaring victory.

Even if I can’t see how, I will still claim it everyday. This is not the end for me.

This is not the end for you.