Today I went to look for a costume for a party I was invited to. Here’s the video:
The store I went to was near my son’s home so I called them to come meet me so we could have a treat before I took the bus back to where I live.
Something weird happened. When i saw my boys I went to give them kisses and hugs and cuddles and they were looking at me like I was crazy.
“Mommy we just saw you this weekend,” my younger son said.
“But I still want hugs and kisses, I missed you.”
Then I remembered that I told my sons that I have a night off this weekend. “What are you going to do?” my older son asked, seeming to be curious.
“Well, I was hoping to spend it with you.”
He was quiet.
I know that I get ALL of my affection from them, but they’re getting older and they’re not interested in that anymore. They no longer want to sit in my lap and let me cradle them. They don’t want hugs and cuddles in public.
I have to let go and let them grow up and stop trying to get all my love from them. I know that they love me but I have to have my own life too.
I have that, I have my projects and writing and studying and learning and research, but all my love- ALL OF IT- gets poured out on them, I guess because they’re the only ones who won’t or can’t back away like everyone else has.
I don’t want to smother them.
I have to come up with some kind of outlet for all this love I have.
I think I poured it out on Tamara too. Maybe I smothered her too. Maybe my expectations for our friendship were unrealistic. I mean, we’re FRIENDS, but when you fall in love, like she did, that always comes first. Why didn’t I realize that? Maybe because I’ve never been in love.
How can I be mad at her for being in love and trying to sustain that relationship? Maybe it’s because I wanted all the attention on ME.
I AM selfish.
Wow.
And I have all this pent up anger and frustration and love that I never get to share, except through my creative projects.
One day my little sister was angry with me for telling her to stop venting about her man and she said, “Maybe you need to START venting.”
Maybe that’s what she meant.
But how?
I don’t want to crush anyone with my love. It’s not meant to hurt. Honestly, it’s not.
I care too much about everyone and every little thing but I have another side to me that doesn’t care at all.
I’m very good at remaining detached from people.
Like, with work relationships, I can share my heart with people there and when I stop working there I have no desire to continue a relationship with them at all. I am completely unattached to sustaining relationships.
I can say goodbye easily and wish you well, but never pick up the phone and call. I don’t like that feeling- that feeling of wanting something from someone and them having the power not to give it to me so I make sure that I don’t desire anything from anyone and when I find myself desiring someone’s time or attention I end the relationship or back away so that when they leave or refuse to give me what I want I won’t care.
Is there a name for what I’m doing? How can I fix this?
I need to get a life or something like it or I’ll end up pushing everyone away.