My friend Ernest hit me up on facebook today. I almost died laughing when I read his message. He said that he thinks he is in love. “For real this time. LOL!” he wrote.
I called him tonight to hear all about it and he said for the first time he actually met a woman who seems to want the same things he wants at the same time.
He asked for updates on my friends and I told him that Tamara was getting married in December and Tonya was seeing some guy but it wasn’t that serious.
“So you haven’t met anybody you liked in Dallas yet?”
I rolled my eyes at him through the phone. I hate when my friends ask me that question because I can’t really say No, but then again, I can’t say I’ve been dating either.
I have a serious problem. I fantasize way too much.
I am so upset with myself. I feel like such an idiot. Everyone else has REAL men issues to deal with and here I am cuddled up with a bunch of fantasies about a man who has no interest in me. It hurts me that I feel so connected to him. It hurts me to think about him all the time. I feel so dumb, like I’m some desperate chick who can’t have the affection of a REAL man. I’m stuck on stupid ya’ll.
I wish I could let it go but I can’t. I promise myself that I won’t think about him any more. Sometimes I ask God to let me leave this city, but I don’t have peace about that. Ughhh…I’m such an idiot sometimes. If I could beat myself up I would. I pray daily that God would help me break this connection. Why am I worrying about his business? Why am I hoping the best for his family’s goals? Why do feel like I should be there to help all of his dreams come true?
I don’t know what’s wrong with me.
I don’t want to be like this. I feel ashamed.
I hope I never see him again. I’m always repeating this same mistake of loving someone who doesn’t love me back.
Laugh if you want to, but this is so serious to me.
I wish he’d get a girlfriend or get engaged or something. Something to help me to know that he will be okay, so that I can let go of wanting to take care of him.
I know I seem like some love addicted fool, and I probably am. Maybe next month I’ll have moved on to a new fantasy love. I’m such a dumb ass sometimes.
Tonight I am going to pray really, really hard that I will wake up in the morning and have forgotten all about him.