Lately I cant sleep at night.

The hours seem to drag by like I’m waiting for a pot of water to boil. Its so weird I never felt the time like this. Being in school I was up late every night, probably just as I am now. But then I was busy, busy, busy. I worked on papers, I worked on my website, I had to be creative, I had to meet deadlines. Now, all that is finished but my body doesnt know it, so here I am its after 2 am and Im wide awake.

I used to chat a lot. Id meet random ppl on Black Planet or College Club and we’d spend hours sharing our heart, our daily lives, our goals and fears. The computer has a way of stripping you naked if you allow it. Since these ppl knew that we would probably never meet, we could be real, be open and fearless.

During these late nights, with nothing to do, I find myself analyzing everything in my life. From my past relationships to what kind of clothes I want to buy for myself whenever I get a real job.

I realize that I am extremely critical of myself. I want to change that. For some reason I have these amazing friends who love me and I always ask myself why. Like I feel like I dont deserve their friendship. Thats crazy cuz Im not some horrible person. Im a bit dramatic, I guess and a bit forceful, maybe bossy sometimes and extremely flamboyant. Did I spell that right?

Im a nut. In a hut. I stole a apple from the tree. So what?

I remember when I was younger everyone always gave me my way. In elementary school I could walk into my principal’s office and tell him i wanted to do something and he would tell me to go ahead. I started all kinds of competitions, all kinds of clubs.

Once, I made all the girls in the fifth grade form these clubs, like little cliques. Then I convinced the prinicipal that it would be beneficial to the students to learn about the voting process by having us have a campaign that would decide who had the most popular club. We had a full out campaign, with posters and announcements made over the loudspeaker and a voting booth.

Ofcourse I won.

I was always like that. Coming up with something totally unthinkable and always expecting that I could do anything. I am still that way today.