Just a Fantasy?

I just got in from work. I know it’s late but when you work in fundraising, many of the events proceed well into the evening. This event was an annual Bazaar organized by the Parents Association at my school. I’m sure there’s a lot of drama behind the event. How could you avoid that when you have a large group of women planning events? But I manage to stay away from it so I get to see the big picture.

The women in the PA are mostly stay at home Moms, the only difference is, their husbands are worth millions. But honestly you couldn’t tell by the way they interact with everyone. Every so often I glance down at the rings on the middle finger of their left hands and it reminds me of exactly who I’m dealing with. I love watching them work. Many of them are in my office BEFORE I get there, making signs, making phone calls and doing other busy work just like they worked for our school full-time. They really put their hearts into raising money for our school. This year alone, our PA pledged to give $25,000 to the Annual Fund. I have no doubt that they will work extra hard to make sure every cent is paid in full.

Even though my boys are asleep and I’ve had a nice warm shower, my Direct TV is back on ~HALLELUJAH!~ for the first time since the storm hit, so now I have TV once again. But I can’t sit still and watch it. I’m still so tense. ~frowns~

All I think about, everyday, all day, is becoming successful by doing what I love to do; speak, write and encourage. I dream about having my own show, writing my books and not having to persuade myself for 15 minutes just to buy myself lunch. You deserve it. I tell myself. You work every day. Your kids have food, you should have it too. Man, a pedicure is a distant memory for me. I used to be able to get those on the regular. ~sigh~

All day long I’m around these women who never have to think twice about a meal or a pedicure. But I know a brighter day is coming soon. People wonder why some people want to get rich or die trying. When you come from nothing and nothing is all you know, you just want a taste of the good life- JUST ONCE! I can understand why all of those new rappers go bling crazy when they get a deal. It’s like only being given bananas your whole life and suddenly someone takes you to a buffet. You want it all!

I want it all. ~singing~brand new socks and draws

For myself. For my children. And I really don’t want a man to give it to me. I want to get it myself.

I’m no different from any of the other women who fantasize about having a man show up and resuce them, except when the thought comes, I push it WAYYYY back in the dark recesses of my mind. I don’t allow myself to dwell on it too long because I have no control over that.

But I still allow myself to have romantic fantasizes sometimes. It’s so much fun to fantasize about a man that you know you will never be with. Right now, my fantasy man is a co-worker. I met him some time ago but for the first time last week we had a conversation.

Since public schools were out last Friday, I had to take my sons to school with me. When we were leaving I ran into him and he stopped me and we chatted for a while. It was a weird feeling standing and talking with a man. I try not to even look them in the face when I’m out running errands and I notice a cutie noticing me. But this time, I let my boys run around the PE field while he and I chatted about my dislike for football, his son, and a bunch of craziness in between.

I felt like…like…a woman.

Like an attractive, witty woman.

And I am attracted to him, even though he looks like me. The last time I dated a light skinned man with green eyes I was sooo uncomfortable. When we would go out, people looked at us like we were aliens. I didn’t like that feeling. I didn’t know if they were staring at me or him and I’m used to being the star in my relationships.

But this guy…well, even though he’s lite bright, he’s very masculine with it. He has a deep, DEEP voice and the cutest little belly I’ve ever seen.

No, no, noooo… You can keep your abs and muscle men. I like’em on the chubby side. Heavy-set with a lil’ belly on’em. ~drink your beer baby~ Nice and thick. I couldn’t see myself with a man who was skinner than I am. Yuck.

But oh well. This dude is off limits simply because he already has a girl (or a baby mama- he didn’t really say).

But yeah, it felt so nice to smile and joke with a man again. I had been pushing them away since the beginning of summer to protect myself from getting too close. I can’t help but be nice to men, too nice I think. So I figured that as long as I stayed away from them, no one would be able to take my kindness for granted.

And it’s worked. Except…Except…

I still have the desire to be sweet to a man.

And it won’t go away.

Last night I remembered a prayer I prayed when I was still in college. I said, “Lord, I am so tired of feeling unnappreciated by men. If the man is not for me, then I don’t even want his attention. Keep all those men away from me if they’re not for me. The next man I give my heart to, I want to be my husband.”

You know, I think God has honored that prayer.

I keep wondering what is so wrong with me that I can’t meet ONE guy that likes me for me. The problem is, there is no problem; God is protecting me until the day he sends His choice my way.

So in the meantime I can enjoy my make believe flings and keep focused on pursuing what it is that God made me to do.