Whew!
I’m back. I finished my research paper, presentation and genogram on Falling In Love. Thank God Tamara allowed me to share so much of her personal relationship history with my professor and classmates for my final project.
I used pictures and all as I described what the process is like for falling in love, well, in Tamara’s case. I did so much research and learned so much about how different attitudes can block the ability to be loved.
There’s one theory called The Imago Theory… ~shakes head~
I almost cried after reading it.
There is an unconcious repetitive need to seek partners who pffer- for good or for bad- the familiar love of childhood. The attempt to change a partner from one who offers the negative aspects to one who offers affirming love is an attempt to reverse the trauma of unattached love in childhood. Consciousness of the pattern is the requirement to begin its reversal. (Love 246-249)
So… The study included a case study of a woman who was in therapy complaining that all of the men she attracted were needy and boring and how she wanted to meet more independent minded men, a REAL man. The therapist shook her head and asked how she would go about doing that.
The woman said that she would wear business suits and wear her hair up and wear black heels and stockings. The therapist told her to go ahead and try it. The woman came back excitedly for her next session. She told the therapist that her plan worked. A man in a business suit approached her and told her that she looked like a woman who could take care of herself. He invited her to accompany him to a business trip in San Diego.
The woman goes on the business trip and during the night she’s in bed with the guy and she has an awful stomache ache. She creeps out of the bed and takes a cab to the emergency room in this strange city that she has never visited. The doctor tells her she is just fine, but seems to be under a lot of stress. When she returns to the hotel the guy asks her where she has been. When she tells him the story he says, “Good for you. I like a woman who can take care of herself.”
She went back to her therapist and she was so hurt. The therapist asks her to describe her relationship with her parents and she said, ‘They were preoccupied and unavailable.’
“And how did you respond to this frustration as a child?” the therapist asked.
“I trusted no one and took care of myself,” the lady answered.
“BINGO!” said the therapist.
The text reads: Caution is the strategy when you meet a potential partner and the attraction is intense. It can mean you have found someone who fits your imago and will reactivate the early hurts from childhood. She must realize that they are simply a replication of her early hurts from childhood. They feel familiar and fit her imago- her unconcious image of love. Her journey is to have the courage to accept the love of a man who is available and realize the boredom she feels with him is a defense against true love. The love she believes she does not deserve.
DAMN!!!!!!!
I almost fell out!
But it makes so much sense! Why am I only attracted to men who don’t like me? Why am I constantly fantasizing about men who are unavailable to me? The men who DO like me, i push away as soon as I can. Why? Because the type of love they offer isn’t what I subconciously believe love is- the type of love I learned in childhood, which means being dissatisfied and critical of me and my efforts.
That is exactly the type of love I got from my children’s father, Salisu A. Richardson. He was never satisfied with my looks, my efforts, my dreams or who I was. But I guess I hoped that he would change his mind one day. If this theory is correct then that means I hoped he would change his mind about me, one day valuing me, which would help to repair the pain I felt as a child when my own parents did not ever show approval for who I was.
Wow!
So..it goes without saying that if someone who you are trying to show love to, won’t accept it, it may be because they don’t believe they deserve the kind of love you are offering. The more they return hatred for love, the more they are fighting against the belief that the love you have to offer is genuine. They don’t believe they deserve it.
There’s nothing you can do to change their minds either. They will keep allowing themselves to be in the painful, critical relationships that remind them of their parents love for them and all the goodwill in the world won’t change that. It’s really up to them.
Don’t fight with them about it. Step back and be a friend if you can.
I..I’m looking at the world and my relationships in a whole new light. In fact, last night I allowed a man to hang out with me. I swore I wouldn’t do that again after learning Taylor, the white guy, was really an asshole in disguise. But that’s really his problem, not mine. I was nothing but friendly and encouraging to him. He has his own issues to bear I guess.
But last night, I had a great time with this young man I met a while ago. It didn’t feel like pressure. There was no attraction and we just talked and talked and laughed.
After cursing out this other man last week because he came to see me and spent the entire hour I was with him, telling me what I needed to change, I realized that I push men away very quickly if they even mention that there is one aspect of who I am that needs improvement.
I don’t need to hear that shit from anyone. I am well aware of who I am and my choices are my choices. I think the fact that I never ask anyone to be anything other than who they really irritates me because others walk into my life and are critical of how I live my life. I make choices everyday and I am okay with each and every one of them.
“I’m not your daughter or your client,” I told him. “Don’t even call me again.”
This chick I mentioned before who called me lame because i told her I like to read, write and study success for fun, she STILL emails me talking about let’s go out for lunch or something. I’m like, “Huh? For what? You go on and hang out with the cool people you know and I’ll continue to focus on the shit I love to do.”
You know what? I do not apologize for being into what I’m into. I’m into personal development, writing, blogging, inspiration, success. Anything outside of that- yawn- not really interested. If it doesn’t push me towards one of my goals, I don’t consider doing it. It’s like..
It’s like..when I’m not doing what I love to do…
I feel like I’m doing something wrong.
I don’t like to do wrong. So..I’ll keep striving…