I have been submissive. EXTREMELY submissive. I’ve always been that way because I want to find someone who will be satisfied with me. BUT I think that my submission is only to please my Pastors. I worry more about what they will think than I worry about what God will think. It’s become a fact that I don’t fear God’s opinion of me, I fear my Pastor’s. I am out of balance. My submissivness only leads to more criticism and strict guidance. When ppl see I am eager to please, they take the reins and don’t let go.
Youre right I don’t absolutely love everyone in my church. BuT I don’t hate them either. I’m just not interested. I don’t feel bonded. I don’t feel like family like they all say I should. My Pastor says that is a sin. That if I reject them then I reject God. This causes further bondage because I can’t get my feelings to line up with how he wants me to feel. And again I feel like I am disappointing him. I always disappoint him anyway. See, it’s not about what God wants me to do, all I worry about is what my pastor wants me to do, and I feel like I never measure up because he’s constantly challenging me in some area.
I feel so much bondage and hurt when I am there. I don’t know. What does it take for a person to know when it’s time to go? Am I automatically doomed to hell the minute I leave Gainesville? Is my church the only place God can train me up? Will my life be totally ruined because I choose to go and be with my family? I am trusting that I will get a clear word from the Lord. I dont have peace. I want that peace that surpasses…. I want the peace of God and an excitement about staying in His will for my life. I don’t want to cry every 15 minutes like I have been doing since I decided to stay to try to make friends like he wants me to. I don’t want to have to pull over on the side of the road and have to duck into the ladies room because I can’t control my tears.
I’m looking for a peace. I’m looking for a peace. And when I find it, I will know. I am standing firm that God’s will for my life will lead to peace, not bondage and heightened misery like I am shackled.