I went back there.

I went down to the foodstamp office today and re-applied. I visited my archives and saw that just 4 months ago I said gooddbye to my last government issued source of money.

I went down there after realizing that I don’t have money for food and I didn’t want to hear my baby daddy mouth if I had to ask him for more money. I thought I would feel like a loser. I thought I would feel dumb, but I didn’t. I felt something else…

While I sat there watching other women with families come in to apply for benefits, my heart went out to them. When I was in college it was The THING to have foodstamps. Everyone was doing it. We used to eat LOVELY off of the government, which is a perk that college students can take advantage of if they work part-time. I remember sitting in the foodstamp office back then thinking, “Wow, these ppl really need this help. I’m so glad I’m only doing this for now. I’m so glad that I will graduate and never have to come back in here again.”

Well, I’m back.

I started thinking about my first job out of college. Remember when I started working at the VA Hospital back in January? I hated it. Hated it. Hated it. But I didn’t quit because my former Pastor told me that quitting a job while I had a family to support is selfish. So I was miserable and I stayed. And I cried and I stayed and I looked for other jobs and I stayed until I got heartburn everytime I even passed by the street that the hospital was located on.

But the point is… I stayed. I stayed because my children come before my happiness. Why didn’t I do that this time? The entire time I was at the foodstamp office I thought about my situation. I wasn’t there becuase I was unemployable and desperate; I was there because I did not feel appreciated at my job and I felt very disrespected. Appreciation and Respect; two emotions. My kids are back on government assistance because I was emotional.

I’m emotional and I can’t afford to take my sons to the barber shop and I have to give them messed up home haircuts with broke down clippers. I’m emotional and I have to get my son’s grandmother to buy their school uniforms.

I’m emotional and selfish as hell. Lots of ppl work jobs they hate because they have to. Why do I think I’m better than anyone else? I don’t care if my publisher told me to kiss her ass. She can do that, she’s handing out the checks. I did have to kiss her ass if I wanted to get paid. Look at lil ol me thinking I’m so bad that I can just go and tell that woman that I deserve more money. I NEEDED that job. Now I have nothing. Nothing.

All over my pride. I should have just sucked it up and smiled. Ppl get beat down everyday but they don’t just walk away and let their families suffer. Naw, but me, I’m too good for that. I’m almight Tee. All my life I have thought that there was something special about me. On the real, I always received special treatment. But today, standing in that foodstamp office, I realized, I am just like everyone else.

Just a woman on a mission trying to take care of her family. Just a woman with hope in her heart and too foolish to let go. Just a woman with a vision and the drive to achieve it. Just a woman who wants to be loved and to love unconditionally. I’m just a woman…like a lot of others. I make mistakes too.

I’m sorry kids.