I read something today that caused me to feel a little uneasy. Well, a lot.

A friend of mine is having success in an area that I tried and tried and TRIED my BEST to be successful in.

I have never been the jealous type. In my whole life I have only met one girl who I thought was all-around tighter than I am and then I got to know her- my feelings changed immediately.

But my friend, who has some of the same talents and passions that I have, is enjoying success in the place that I envisioned myself being successful but never could- Her new church.

She wrote to me telling me how much she loves the church and how she has already joined a ministry and she is meeting so many young people who are so on fire for God and she is so HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY! She gets to hang out and meet other young adults who share her interests and I’m sure she’ll contribute a lot to their vision.

The kicker is- She now goes to the church I just left in Gainesville.

If you go back through my archives you may be able to read that all I wanted to do was serve in my church and use my gift to glorify God. I never got a chance to do that and I’m sure it was God’s will. But I can’t stop thinking that something is wrong with ME, because I could not make it work. Like everyone else has got it but I never got it.

My girl Mimi says that I wasn’t meant to be at the church and that’s why things didnt work out, but since I’m such a self-blamer I always anaylyze why it is MY FAULT things don’t work in my favor, or the way I want them to.

~sigh

Child please I’m tripping because these are the facts:

1) I am way happier now than I was when I was in Gainesville.

2) I have more peace now and less pressure.

3) Good things are happening in my life and I can not go back and fix things that went wrong in the past. I can only move forward.

4) I trust God to settle in my heart those things that still cause pain when it comes to my old church.

I am letting go of Gainesville and the negative experiences that sneak and try to rob me of my joy today. I am letting go of the painful relationships associated with my old church. I am also letting go of the belief that my husband is in Gainesville a.k.a. My Golden Boy.

This one is the toughest one to let go of because it will mean that I have to admit that I was wrong when I TRULY believed I had heard from God. I was wrong about hearing from God when I thought he had showed me my husband. I was wrong. I was wrong.

And that’s okay. Yep, 100%. Why would I think that God would have someone for me? I’ve only messed up, um, a million times since I’ve been saved.

I’m here to serve, to encourage and to raise good sons. I’ll get my reward in heaven. I’m just gonna focus on the work I have before me. And I have plenty of work to do.

Gotta go…