Hoping Maybe You Will Be There

I had a dream last night that was breath taking.

After not being able to sleep the entire night, I actually saw the sun rise. I turned off the TV and covered my face with the blanket. I had spent the entire night crying and worrying about if I was going to die because of whatever is going on with my body and my recent hopelessness concerning my situation.

Before I knew it, I guess I was dreaming because I was walking through the halls of this elementary/high school. The halls were very narrow and I kept bumping into people but they all gave me annoyed looks as if it were my fault. Everytime I tried to speak to someone to ask them where I should go, they gave me this look that said, “We don’t want you here.”

I remember seeing myself in a mirror. I looked like me except I had a long, long Rapunzel type ponytail. It was jetblack. I passed a group of men and as men do, they started cat calling and one even grabbed me. I jerked away and screamed at him, “If you ever do that again I will f— you up!”

As I walked on and tried to smile at people, they all turned away from me. Eventually, no one would even look me in my face. At one point as I tried to walk through a field in the school, one girl ran the other way rather than walk next to me. I decided to leave the school and go home but someone stopped me and asked me for a pass.

“I don’t work here,” I replied and kept strolling.

Another woman stopped me and rolled her eyes. “Ms. Tee, you don’t work here? Yes you do. You are our intern.” She rushed away as if I disgusted her.

I kept on trucking home but before I could navigate the maze of the school I saw my bestfriends Tamara and Anna in the parking lot. They were both laughing and crying. They were wearing graduation gowns and caps and when I looked down, I was wearing one too.

Tamara’s family was there laughing with her and she called me over to take a picture. I did. Anna did the same then told me she had to run to meet her boyfriend.

I realized that no one was there with me to take pictures so I decided to walk home. Tamara stopped me and came over to hug me and my ponytail began to unravel. Row after row of fake hair fell from my head and I asked Tamara to help me fix it.

“Just wear your own hair,” she suggested. “Brush it.”

I took a brush and brushed out my own hair, which was very curly, into a chin length bob. Everyone looked at me and smiled. Then I walked away, trying to go home.

I passed by a bank and there were people standing in the parking lot. At first glance I didn’t think I knew any of them but then I saw him: T from my old church in Gainesville. He was standing behind a video camera and setting it up to record himself.

As I watched him, he ran over to his wife and hugged her. They were joined by a little girl and an even smaller little girl with lots of curly hair. Then T started to cry and praise God. His wife kneeled on the ground and cried too.

He looked over at me and saw me. He pointed to me and came over to me crying. “This is what God can do, Tee! This is what God gave me! A family! I thought I had a family before Tee but THIS is a REAL family! They love me Tee! They are flesh of my flesh! God is gooood! This is what God can do! He can give you a family!”

He continued to praise God as I caught his wife’s eye. She was crying uncontrollably and holding both of her beautiful daughters. She looked over at me and as if I could read her mind I mouthed the words, “I’m okay.”

She and I have a history together. We were both single mothers back in college and she was very sweet to me until a manipulative woman came into our lives and caused craziness to ensue. But even after that, we were cool. She eventually married T and her daughter became his. I often wonder how they are doing and from the looks of things they are prospering.

I knew she was worried about me. I knew she wondered if I was okay that I was the last single mom standing. “I’m okay,” I mouthed again as T continued to praise God for his wife and daughters.

I kneeled down and began to cry. Not regular tears. Soul wrenching tears from deep within my gut that moved my entire body and arrested my breathing. I watched him praising God for his family and I cried and cried, kneeling on the pavement. I couldn’t breathe.

When I thought my heart couldn’t take it anymore, a voice said, “That’s okay. You will win too.” Suddenly a limo appeared and I took a look at it as it stopped in front of me.

That’s all I saw before my eyes went black and I woke up gasping for air. I ran into the kitchen and grabbed my inhaler and took a breath.

I took another one.

As my lungs opened the tears began to fall. I cried for their happiness and my loneliness. I cried for Tamara and her unconditional love for me. I cried because I never seem to fit in. I cried because the promise of success seems so far away.

Then I did the only thing I could do to make the pain go away. I made myself a cup of tea and I sat down to write…