His First Crush
My 5 year old has a girlfriend.
Yeah, it surprised me too. I was kinda relieved to be honest, cuz lil dude is very emotional and overly dramatic just like me so I was prepared if he were to go either way.
I had decided that if he were gay I’d love him just the same. I wouldn’t disown him or make him feel bad about it. In most cases I don’t believe that being gay is a choice. I believe it is a spirit that is not of God and the person it inhabits has no control over it without the power of Jesus Christ. Ofcourse there are those people who are so unlucky at love that they choose to be with someone of the same sex. I have seen this happen myself which is the only reason I mention it.
But I found out about this little girl in the most interesting way.
My boys and I were in my bed just hanging out when my 3 year old says, “Sugarbear has a girlfriend.”
“Nuh, uh!” Sugarbear denies the claim.
I remain quiet.
“Yes you do! You TOLD me when we were in my room!”
Sugarbear is quiet. Then he sits up and looks at me.
“Her name is B-R-N-D-Y.” he says and smiles.
“Brandy?” I ask nonchalantly.
“Yep. She sat in my lap.”
“WHAT?”
“When we went to Ms. Smith’s class to listen to a story I went in and I sat down and she came over and sat in my lap.”
“And what did you do?”
“I told her to get off me.”
“Did she get up?”
“Yep.”
“Was she mad you told her to get off?”
“No, she smiled. Mama can Brandy come to my house?”
“For what?”
“To, um, play?”
“I don’t think Brandy’s mom would like that. You can play at school.”
“She’s not in my class.”
“Oh well.”
This evening I am on the phone with my little sister and I begin to tell her about Brandy when she interrupts me. “You ain’t know about Brandy?”
“No, how did you know?”
“He told me last week.”
I laugh and shrug my shoulders.
“Did he tell you she was white?” she asks.
Silence.
Silence.
“Tee? Tee? Tee?”
I’m numb.
I thought this was going to be another cute story to tell about first crushes. In my rational mind, first crushes shape your view on relationships and gives you a glimpse into what you will like in the future.
But if that is true then, am I destined to entertain Becky’s until he meets his wife?
Now I’m trying not to pass on my prejudices and outlook on life so my son will NEVER know how Mommy feels about men. I don’t take my anger at men out on him. In my mind, the only way he’ll see that something is not quite right is the fact that he doesn’t see me interact with men AT ALL. He has asked me before, “Why don’t you have a boyfriend?” I just told him it wasn’t time and that having a boyfriend isn’t anything special, marriage is what matters.
I’m trying to do the right thing and THINK the right way but it makes me mad when I think of what a good pair of boys I hope to raise. Men who respect themselves and women and love God. I would be really sad to see them marry white women because good Black men are far and few between.
I’m not talking about successful Black men. I’m talking about smart, good hearted, ethical, love their mama, love and fear God and love their families- those kind of men. Imagine if my dreams come true and I raise two boys like that and they give all of that goodness away to white chicks. ~shakes head~
I would be so hurt. But I know I wouldn’t let them know that.
I would be hurt and I would be jealous because in some way it would make me feel like something was wrong with me where I couldn’t get a Black man to behave and love me. I would be hurt for all the other Black women coming up who will have to deal with their Black men dishonoring them and turning to the white woman when they want to do right.
You love me enough to have babies but you have the white chick on your arm. Nigga I’m your backbone, I take care of home. I understand your plight. I understand your pain. In the heat of the night, you wake up screaming and call out MY name. I watch you walk away and STILL hold shit down. You call me weak, nigga please, I know who wears the crown. And the funny thing is, you see my strength too. That’s why it’s doesn’t phase you to cum and go as you do, treat me like Boo Boo, cry for me boo-hoo, you don’t care. Cuz under there, under the despair, you can tell that I…will be just fine. Handle mine, raise your seed and change the world too. Not too bad for some chick you were eager to fuck and toss to the moon. Black man I see you. Hiding under the guise of success like a fool. From these breasts you were nurtured and to mother Earth you return. I pray your safe travel and wise lessons learned. From the cradle to the grave I shed tears for you. That one day you see yourself and love will come through. Until then, it’s not a sin to get caught up in the cycle, insides lookin like Michael. Jackson but ain’t nothing happenin…until…you…learn to love God as God loves you.
*****
Ms. Tee gets real DEEP when discussing Discovering Sexuality. Check me out on my AUDIOBLOG.