Hey Everybody!

~yawn~

Im sleepy. But i had to get my daily writing fix in. I always have a story in my mind that Im just bursting to tell. Sometimes I walk around all day looking forward to coming home and writing about something that has happened. I re-tell the story to myself over and over, using different words, different approaches, feening for the chance to sit down and share.

But alas, after I made the boys dinner, gave them a bath and put them to bed. I had to work on these projects and now that Im done im pooped. Instead of sharing my heart, Im gonna snatch the Fudge Brownie Icecream out of the fridge and call my mama so she can make me laugh until I fall asleep.

Things are going so much better at work though, yall. You know Im not that friendly, but Im really enjoying what Im doing now. Its very emotional though, knowing that the subjects we are studying are REAL PEOPLE with diseases and ailments and some of them have died or about to die.

I cried so much at work today. My doctor Neale came up to me and asked me if I was okay. “Neale,” I cried, blowing my nose. “He’s dead.” I said pointing to the data that i was entering into the computer. “It’s like Im reading his journal of his last days. He’s dying before my eyes.” I sobbed.

Neale walked away and came back. “I dont want to seem cold-hearted but this is a study. I realize that our patients are REAL but you have to seperate yourself from that emotion, which I know is harder said than done.”

And just think, I dont even have any contact with the patients. All Im doing is helping out a little by entering data. I usually just edit the results of the study. Imagine if I had to actually interview the patients like Charlene does or call them like Erica. And then in this particular study that we’re working on now, everyone has Cancer. So they have to be interviewed right after they get their chemotherapy.

I feel so sad, knowing that every patient in our study is about to die. And they know it and they still want to help us by letting us study them.