Dear God,
I feel like Celie from the movie Color Purple. LOL
But anyway… Dear God.
I am filled with so much bliss right now. My sons just fell asleep after we watched a movie called Big. I’ve been having so much fun with them since I lost both my jobs that I can not do anything but hold back the tears cuz I am so grateful that happened. Everything has just been working out for me. It seems kinda scary at first. Like last week my landlord came to my door asking me to leave cuz I was a month behind on my rent. I looked at her like she was crazy and then I just..waited.
I tried to freak out a bit but it wouldn’t come out full force because I know everything always works out for me. Ok, Ok, just ONE night I sat in a daze wondering how I’d pull through but just like always everything worked out.
Like, whatever direction life pushes you in, it always works out.
And now, watching my boys sleep I feel like the luckiest woman alive. They are so smart and full of color and full of life and so eager to learn and explore.
Yesterday we walked downtown and a woman invited us into an art gallery and we went and found out that they were having an art walk where all the galleries were open showcasing their art and offering food to the participants. My boys were elated as we strolled through each gallery, me sampling the art, them sampling the snacks.
We were exposed to a new type of art we had never seen before called Mixed Media. The artists took original photographs and painted over them in some parts creating this weird cool awesome type of paintings and I was in awe for real as I chatted with the artists about their inspiration.
“I’m living the dream,” one artist said as a crowd gathered around her studio.
I wanted to cry.
Today was also a crazy day for me because my sons finally said, “Mom, please tell us what is going on with you and why you keep saying ‘I’m Sorry’ and ‘XYZ’ (the name of a guy I admire).”
I gulped. I paused but I went ahead and told them. “I have anxiety. It’s where I feel afraid but really there’s nothing to be afraid of but I still feel afraid in my heart.”
“So you say ‘I’m sorry’ to calm you down?” My son asked.
“Yes. I do.”
“Well, why do you say XYZ when you’re feeling anxiety?” they asked.
I gulped. “Well, XYZ is the name of a man who treated me very well and I liked him a lot and not too many men have treated me well so for some reason, when I’m feeling scared I say his name without trying to.”
“Yeah, I get it,” my older son said. “It’s like a relief for you to remind you that all men aren’t bad.”
I smiled my biggest smile. It felt so good to be understood.
“Yeah, you got it!”
“But Mama. Do you think if one day you get married you won’t have to say XYZ anymore?”
“Good question. I hope not. I hope if I ever get married, the person I’m with will make me feel safe so I won’t have to think back to that other guy.”
“Yeah, you’ll be going home to him everyday so you won’t be scared anymore,” my younger son said.
I smiled a half smile.
Yeah. If that ever happens.
I am so glad they understood about my anxiety. I can’t hide it anymore. It just comes out and that’s part of the reason why I don’t like to get to know people because I just blurt out random phrases when I’m feeling anxious and its so embarrassing.
My friends are used to it by now and I guess my kids are becoming understanding.
I was invited to a poetry reading tonight and I took my sons. It was different from the open mic nights I have attended because no one performed, everyone, mostly older people in their 40’s and up just sat there and read poetry. When my turn came I performed as usual. You know I can’t sit down. It felt good to perform in front of a new crowd. I performed a piece I had never performed before. Listen…
Afterwards my boys and I walked home holding hands and talking about our day. They had forgotten that we got an early start by going to the laundromat. Since I don’t have a car anymore we had to walk, but they were so helpful and we got things done in about 2 hours.
Clean sheets! YES!
Clean underwear! DOuble yeah!
I am so grateful for this weekend, this time to spend laughing with them and talking to them and sharing wisdom. We talk like we are friends. We tease each other. We each have this “thing” we do when we get frustrated so we imitate each other all the time.
“Do ya’ll cuss yet?” I asked them.
“Well, not really. Every once in a while he’ll say the D word if he hits his foot or I’m making him mad but we don’t like to say bad words all the time.”
We talk about girls and I try to remind them that if they don’t worry about it, the girls will come. My older son seems stressed about it because the boys in his class are getting girlfriends and he hasn’t had one yet.
“Those hoes gonna be on you before you know it,” I told him. “In fact, I guarantee at least 20 girls will like you before you graduate highschool!”
His eyes grew wide and he started off into space. “20 girls?”
“At least,” I assured him. “You’re gonna have fun getting to know them and seeing what girls are like but don’t stress over one cuz there are a LOT of girls out there and someday someone is gonna love you.”
I know I say this everytime but when I’m with them I feel like my BEST me. I feel like I’m magic and I wish I could feel like this all the time.
I was talking to Tamara the other day and I told her that I want my boys to come live with me before they graduate highschool and she said she doesn’t know how that will happen with me going into the creative field like I want to.
I know. Working as a counselor is not my plan at all. I just really want to get through this internship unscathed and learn as much as I can so i can bust the doors open in journalism again.
I wish! I wish! I wish!
And maybe I’ll be able to take care of my boys again.
Oh yeah, my boys said their Dad is now co managing partner for his new law firm. Go head! He’s doing really well. He’s taking great care of my boys too. He’s got a cute new girl who is NOT insecure like the last one and he has a beautiful home he owns. I hope he’s happy.
One day I’m going to get there too, if I can just get through these last two semesters and they’re already starting off dramatically. ~sigh~
I feel like Miss Sophia from the Color Purple, “All my life i had to fight!”
And fight alone at that, but if I don’t fight for me, who will?
So, let me go ahead and handle this to the best of my ability, trusting that the outcome, whatever it is, will be for my best interest. It always is! That is why I am NEVER afraid to lose cuz when I lose, i actually win.