Inside my head
Round and round and round it goes, where it stops nobody knows.
My Free Flow
So I just got out of bed with two football players. He he. They’re my sons, duh! Their Dad dropped them off after their football game and they brought chicken wings with them. He and I don’t even speak to each other, but it’s not like hatred, at least on my part. In fact, I can remember how my everyday was consumed by thoughts of how he felt about me and how disgusting he thought I was. Now, I don’t care anymore at all. It’s weird how things can change. MY opinion of who I am matters more to me than anyone else’s and I am grateful that I grew up.
He’s an awesome Dad though. The other day I asked my son, “Hey, can you ask your Dad if he’ll be MY Daddy too?” He is so involved, so on point. He is not a dictator. My sons don’t FEAR him. They respect him and they adore him. They feel LOVED by him. Imagine that- Having a father that you feel loves you. Wow.
I still think that there are remnants of our relationship floating around in my brain because for some reason, I expect all men to view me in the way that he did for all those years. Intellectually I understand that most PEOPLE show hatred when they really hate themselves. Any negative comment I see it as them feeling powerless over something in their life and they are releasing the negative vibes onto me, not because they think I deserve it, but because I’m simply- present at the moment. I learned not to take it personally. Growth. So grateful.
I’m a little nervous about my next set of videos. It’s October 2011. I’m officially 10 years single. I have been looking forward to this month for years and years, hoping that by the time it comes, I would not have been hurt by anyone and have completely closed myself off to romantic relationships. I’m VERY good at it too. Men are mostly invisible to me but every once in a while one sneaks under the radar and then surprise- I’m thinking- I like him.
But then that statement is followed by a feeling of utter stupidity. You KNOW what happens when you LIKE a dude. You KNOW how they are when you are nice to them. I hate the fact that when I like a man and I want to be my REAL self, who is sweet and accomodating and loving, they never appreciate that shit. They see it as a sign of weakness. I think I generally attract submissive men and submissive men LOATHE nurturing women. They want to be cursed out. They want to fight. They want to be punished. I don’t want to do any of that. I want to meet someone who KNOWS he is a king and expects me to serve him as such.
I would. Completely. All sexual requests granted. His businesses would take off with me offering encouragement and creative ideas behind the scenes. I’m not a selfish woman either so if I had a true King I’d allow him to partner with me in business so that he could make money off of my talents too. I’m not into the whole ‘I own you’ thing so he could have girlfriends on the side as long as he’s not giving them MY time and as long as he allows me to have a girlfriend on the side too. LOL
Man, there are so many things I want to try- least of all is marriage. I want to be a mistress at some point. That would so turn me on. Ehh, it might be better if the wife knew about me and approved though, I hate the thought of hurting a woman. I saw this one show where the wife of a doctor came home and found her husband in the jacuzzi with another woman. She snuck up on them, kneeled down and said, “I thought we were getting a brunette tonight.”
The woman got out of the jacuzzi, went to a bag and produced a dark haired wig before joining the doctor in the jacuzzi again- all the while smiling up at the wife. As the wife turned to walk away, the lady whispered something in the doctor’s ear and he called out, “Honey.”
His wife turned around with a puzzled expression. “Yes?”
“She wants you to hang around a while and watch.”
The wife sat down with an amused expression as she watched her husband and this random woman ride each other in the jacuzzi.
HOT! HOT! HOT!
OMG! That is like, one of my favorite masturbation fantasies!
Speaking of masturbation. Ever since my period came on I can’t seem to do it anymore. While I’m in the midst of PMS I feel like a BEAST on the prowl for sexual gratification and then when my period comes on, all that sexual hunger goes away. My cycle stays on for 3 days and then I’m done, leaving me exhausted and sexually uninterested. This period was crazier than usual. I have never cramped so hard during my PMS or felt so out of wack emotionally only to have a very light flow. That never happens, I usually go HARD for the entire 3 days of my period and I usually don’t cramp at all during my PMS. Weird.
Anyway, today I was thinking about my sons and the privilege they have because they have two educated parents. While I don’t have 3 degrees like their father, I’m still no dummy. Think about it though. My sons don’t know what POOR is. All of their Dad’s friends drive luxury cars and own homes. They are all seasoned professionals in their fields and they are all Black men in their early 30’s.
Imagine what kind of person I would have been if I had been exposed to any of that. The things I’ve accomplished in my lifetime have been because I expected to be super successful and I was often confused by the lack of imagination of my peers.
There’s a big world out there- can’t you SEE IT?
My boys see it. They live it. They take trips and go on vacations. The only financial struggle they see is, well, mine.
When I grew up I was super spoiled so alth0ugh I’m from the hood, I never went without. It was really to the point where I would be given a gift and instead of being grateful that I got ANYTHING, if I didn’t like it, I’d give it back.
“I don’t like these shoes.”
“Tee, those cost $90.”
“They’re ugly. I’m not wearing them.”
Wow. I was such a brat. Now that I have nothing, I still feel like I’m the same way. Maybe me being able to give away everything is an atestment to that. I mean, if you REALLY experience lack and struggle, you try to hold on tight to what you have, but when you are a spoiled brat, you give shit away and not think about it again because you know you can get more when you feel like it.
I know that one day I’ll have more than I need, and honestly today I feel rich even without a wardrobe, car or ample bank account. I have quiet time. I have a job that allows me to focus on my creative work when I’m off and STILL pays my bills. I have an awesome bed. I have fun on the internet everyday.
I’m sitting in the living room because my sons are sprawled out on my bed and there’s no room for me in there right now. I’m sitting in the spot that me and the Older Man sat in when he came to visit last week.
Damn. As soon as I typed his “name” the anxiety in my chest rose up. That’s not a good sign.
~sigh~
Honestly. For real, for real. You know as well as I do that I do not know how to play the game with men. I have no clue. I’m usually very honest with them which confuses them. And with him, well, you can be the judge.
He is the only man I’ve ever met who continuously praises me to my face about things that don’t have to do with the firmness of my ass or how pretty my eyes are. For the first time, I felt like someone really SAW me and my potential.
But then, he never makes plans with me. When I want to see him I have to ask. He’ll say yes but then he’ll say, “Let’s play it by ear.” Then I won’t hear from him at all until he can ‘stop by’.
I feel like I’m the mistress but it would be more exciting if he really had someone else instead of telling me he doesn’t have anyone right now which makes me think he just doesn’t give a damn about treating me like a woman should be treated. He doesn’t do it right. No one has yet. I thought because he was older, it would be a different experience but it’s not. I cringe when I find myself wondering, “Does this man even LIKE me? Is he even attracted to me at all?” He shows no signs of it. He only expresses admiration for the work I do. He never touches me. He never wants to show me off in public.
He said to me, “I’m like a butterfly that can’t be caught.” I get it. You don’t want to settle down. Me neither. I have no problem with that but I would like to have some fun. My problem is, secretly I am a faithful person. I can only LIKE one man at a time so while I’m desiring him and being attracted to him and he’s ignoring my calls and texts- I get frustrated and I wish he had never started putting in the effort to get my attention. He did. I was confused by it at first and then I realized- aww, he’s attracted to me. How cute! Then once I felt the same way and told him, he stopped everything.
Yet, when I see him, my body lights up. I want to touch him so badly. We did. I mean, we didn’t do EVERYTHING but we made out a little, touched a little, but it was more like a silent passionate dance and it was oh so beautiful.
I wanted some more. That’s my only problem. I remember my old mentor told me, “You can have the man you want by not sleeping with him. Have someone else to sleep with while you simply date the one you really like.”
Yeah. But, I think she was more marriage minded than I am. I don’t want to fall into that trap, stuck in a house with a man who ignores my needs and doesn’t recognize what a blessing I am to his life. You can have that while I have fun dodging the wedding ring.
Oh. Well I gotta go.
My boys just woke up and asked me to come back to bed with them.
Later.