For You I Will

I was trying to hide from you but hiding from you is like hiding from myself.

I feel so much better. I had to face one of the biggest demons in my life today: depression.

It comes on every blue moon now. Not like when I was a teen and everything was so damn serious and life threatening. ~smile~ I used to make lists of reasons why I should continue to live. They were always very short. I know why I’m like this. It’s not because I’m weak or stupid like most people would believe. It’s because I have inherited a spirit from my ancestors that is trying to take over my life. The spirit of depression.

The spirit of depression much like alcoholism and cancer flows freely through bloodlines, ravaging families and devastating lives. My own maternal grandfather killed himself when my mother was just 11 years old. It’s no wonder I have the same thoughts during times of frustration.

Today was one of those days. I reached out for help- again to the wrong person and was berated for my feelings. So I reached out again and got it right. I turned my ringers off, picked my sons up from school early and wallowed in self pity for a bit, fantasizing about taking the easy way out. Then there was a knock on my door and they walked in.

“Mama. Can we have lunch now?”

“Boy, it’s dinner time.” I laughed.

“But we want peanut butter and jelly. You don’t have to cook tonight.”

Is he saying he doesn’t want me to cook? “No, I’m cooking. You need hot food.”

I had to get up. I had to shake it off. I had to stand up and give them big hugs and take care of them. Looking around my beautiful duplex, it’s just me and them. No one else would do it. I had to.

As I watched my sons scamper off into the living room I realized that I can not allow this spirit to touch their lives. My Mama grew up without parents because of depression and my childhood was ruined because I did not know how to fight it. I can’t push my children away to indulge in my own selfish pity party. An afternoon of pouting is enough. I can’t let it last a minute longer.

I made dinner, we ate it and showered and watched a movie together. We laughed and laughed and the world seemed right again. My sons are the best part of me. They are who I am without all the baggage from being hurt and belittled all of my life. They have the compassion and consideration that I have and I am amazed everyday by how thoughtful they are.

I can not kill that. I can not be the ghost of a Mama who they will always remember crying and locked up in her room because things weren’t going her way. I will not give up on them. I will not give up on me.

I will not let this beat me. I will not waste years of my life wondering what’s wrong with me. I KNOW what’s wrong with me. It’s a generational curse. God has already predestined that certain curses will end with me and I believe this is one of them.

I didn’t escape the curse of being on welfare or single parenthood but I’ll be damned if my children don’t understand what it is they are up against. Happiness is a choice. Survival is a choice. It’s easy to give up and freak out. It’s easy to pout and cry.

I don’t choose that for myself or my sons. They will have a Mama who laughs and plays with them. They will grow up with a Mama who cares enough to remind them to make the right choices in life. Along with love, I offer them accountability. Once I make them aware of the spiritual battles that have been fought and lost in our family, I will encourage them to be responsible and to choose life.

Today I realized that although my Mama couldn’t help me because she didn’t know how, I can help my sons. God gave me full authority to speak into their lives and help shape them into the men He has called them to be. I will not be the cause of their unfruitful lives. As much as I want to write and heal and be healed through my words, my greatest gift to this earth will be the two young men I will send off to impact and change lives.

For them, I will rise.

This situation is only temporary, but my sons will remember my reaction to it for the rest of their lives.

I will not teach them to give up.