Finally Updated

Man….I saw these pics yesterday and it made me feel kinda sad. I always felt like my man should be someone super special and talented and uber successful and instead…well, ya know.

I kinda wish I hadn’t been introduced to Kanye because now no other man compares. And I haven’t even met his ass. I just feel like I want the best and none of these dudes around me compare to that kind of drive and talent. I still love Kanye and if I nev

er meet someone equally successful and brilliant…I guess I always will.

In other news, my guyfriend, who I never named, will remain nameless. LOL! I don’t know what the hell happened with him, but once again, I feel like I’m facing someone completely new. Everything we based our friendship around was just…a lie.

Once again, I’m relieved. I can’t help it. I SAY that I want a relationship but I’m so much more calm and happy when I’m not in one and I’m just sitting on the side

lines rooting for my friends as they go through their relationship drama.

I’m still working at Red Lobster and I do like it. I miss Denny’s so much though. The raggedy people coming in wearing their pajamas. The teenagers coming in after their dates. I miss the pancakes too. All my co workers miss me and I went back for a visit after the club one night and everyone there told me how much they missed me and how customers still come in asking for me…and leave when they find out I’m no longer there.

Red Lobster is a trip though. The managers are super serious about being the best of the best of the best. I laugh at them when they trip about my check being open too long. I know they’re just trying to do their job so how can I be mad about that?

My relationship with DEEP has changed so much. I see him maybe once a month and we speak on the phone once a week. Talk about a cut back in hours. He’s so funny. He called and went off on me for ignoring him and trying to act funny with him. I thought it was cute. I apologized. I just…like how things are right now. When I do get to speak to him, I smile. We don’t fight anymore. He doesn’t get on my nerves anymore. I am still rooting for him, just as a fan instead of making the pursuit of his success my obligation.

I always do that. If someone is around me and they want to do something I will dig right in and do everything I can to help them do it. Then I start to feel like I’

m obligated to do for them and the moment the favor is not returned I get upset. That’s not cool. I’m learning to say No. I said NO yesterday and the day before. Now I see why my Mama says NO to everything. It’s liberating.

JUST SAY NO!

School is about to start back in a couple of weeks for me. I only have lik

e..6 classes to go before I move on to my year long practicum and then I’m done with my masters in Marriage/Family/Couples Counseling. Geesh! In the meantime, I’m hoping that somehow I can figure out how to really help couples to heal their relationships…which boggles me right now cuz I can’t maintain a relationship to save my life. But I don’t want to really. I never meet anyone who makes me WANT To stick it through. I always want to run away and I stay around for a minute just because I feel like the person needs me but they don’t. They just have me around because they can and because they know I will do whatever to make them happy.

Tamara and I were talking about attraction the other night. You know that feeling you get when you first see someone and your body gets that OOOOHWEEEE feeling and you don’t even know their name? Man!

I remember the last time that happened to me. I was on South Beach at the album release party for this rap group and as I interviewed the members of the group, one of them just caught my gaze and held it. I wanted to jump the hell on him right then and there. It was like…a magnet. His fine ass was pitch black dark, with dreads and golds and he was so fresh. I wanted to have his baby right then and there! But I just smiled and walked away. LOL!

But I read an article recently that said that we intellectualize our relationships too much. It suggested that instead of creating a “Must have” list for a potential mate, try going with the feeling of attraction that pulls you toward a person. Forget about what other people will say or think about your attraction. That attraction will outlast any physical features that the person may hold.

When both Tamara and I analyzed our past relationships, we have always been with someone who we weren’t initially attracted to, but grew to like or even love. Now Tamara is with someone that she is crazy about. Why? I Don’t know. LOL! Let me stop playin…I guess I could see why she likes him but I still don’t like him. Maybe I won’t like anyone

she is with. Maybe I’ll be jealous forever and not want to share my bestfriend with anyone. Or maybe I’ll give in when I see a man who is crazy about her and she is crazy about him too.

Speaking of crazy…

I’m not gonna mention her ex. Oh, I just did. That dude loves him some Tamara. He showed up at her house and he had a goatee. He grew it because she told him she liked it. Isn’t that sweet? Too bad she is still ain’t attracted to him. And he is still georgeous! I don’t know… She thinks he stalks her. Like…she is paranoid about it. Like…she calls me in a pan

ic some nights as she is walking to her car because she swears she sees him driving behind her and he lives 5 hours away. I try to make fun of it by saying, “He’s already in your car.” She’ll laugh and we’ll talk until she gets home safely. I hate that shes going through this. Everytime she sees a Lexus symbol in her rear view mirror she panics.

I can’t imagine what she’s going through. To love someone and then fear them at the same time.

Man…

My boys are starting 4th grade and 2nd grade next week. I’m so proud of them. Their Daddy is doing such a good job of taking care of them. I saw his girlfriend last week when I picked my boys up to take them to dinner. She has a big afro on her head and it was bangin! She looked nice! Found out my Baby Daddy’s mom lives down here again. She’s looking for a job now.

My Mama doing okay. She crazy.

Yesterday it was so freaking hot that I went to my cousin’s house to swim in his pool and when I was done I gave him a ride to one of his friend’s houses. I don’t know how I got turned around somehow but when I blinked again I was driving by my biological father’s house. I saw a few guys sitting on the porch so I immediately turned my car around and parked.

I have never seen a man so happy to see me. It was two of m

y big brothers, who I haven’t seen since 2007. They hugged me so tightly and my brother who is my same age said, “Dad’s in the hospital. I’m about to go see him. Come ride with me.”

So i hopped in his car and we sped downtown. I was all emotional about seeing him because…I don’t really like to think of him at all. He’s 63 years old. He sorta looks like me. The thought of me makes me wanna hurl for some reason. He’s alrite.

I cried on the way back home and my brother tried to comfort me.

“I just feel like I have a Daddy but I don’t. I don’t have any man in my life who will look out for me, protect me and make sure I’m straight. Then I go and meet men who LIE and say they will but they don’t. They use me too.”

“I love you. I’m here for you,” my brother said.

I didn’t believe him. He got his own shit going on. I’m still out here by myself. All by myself. It feels like me against the world and then I remember that the God in the world is the same God in me. And I’m not really alone, just on a journey, a personal journey that can not and will not ever match anyone else’s.

Why should it? I’m Ms. Tee.

Still doing my show on Krib.TV. My guests are getting more interesting

. I’m working on this book project, editng a book for this chick. It’s not as bad as the last book I TRIED to edit but I already know I don’t want to work with her again. The mistakes she makes are elementary and it HURTS my heart to see writing like that. But I do applaud her efforts because I still haven’t finished any fiction book project that I have begun. ~sigh~

Still haven’t found an agent for my book yet. Still haven’t book

ed any PAID hosting gigs. STILL waiting for this record label to get back with me about working on their site. STILL wishing and hoping for my Covergirl Cosmetics contract. I wanna be like Queen Latifah with my own line…

Yeah…as I sweep up discarded crab legs from the floor at work and then rush down to South Beach to host my internet show…I still dream about the big things…wondering when they’ll come to pass and how…how Ill be able to take good care of myself and my sons.

I re read Kanye’s Mom’s book a couple of days ago. I still love that man. I love her too. I’m grateful she wrote that book because…it taught me so much about parenting. It taught me that every parent knows what’s best for their child no matter what anyone else thinks. YOU are the expert for raising your child. You know what’s best.

And so am I.

I want to be a good Mom.

I am the best Mom I can be.

I am exactly where I am supposed to be right now.

~smile~

Someone posted yet another pic of me and my bestfriends Anna and Tamara when we were in highschool.

I look at that little girl and I smile because she’s so wonderful, so full of hope, so full of promise, yet so naiive and she has no idea what is about to happen to her. But honestly…if I could go back in time and whisper in her ear I’d say, “You are going to be a GREAT woman. You are going to fulfill your dreams.”

I wouldn’t tell her to change a thing…Not a thing