Today was actually a good day.
Most of my days are like that, really, but today I actually gave myself a pat on the back because even though there are so many things that I want and needs, I realize that I am always okay.
I am.
I trained today at Denny’s and it was so wild looking at myself in my Denny’s uniform shirt with my name on the tag. Wow. But it really felt good to train behind another server and get to interact with the customers.
I wasn’t even serving, just assisting, and this woman walks up to me and says, “Hi Ms. Tee. Thank you.” She then hands me a 5 dollar bill! I was so shocked and happy! I had no money for lunch that day and we don’t eat free.
I put that bill in my pocket and skipped a little. When I went to pay for my meal, the manager said, “Don’t worry. We got it this time.”
So now I still have my money!
And..I’m even more blessed because my sister came down to visit and she brought me an “I Love New York” t-shirt. She even filled up my gas tank for me and took me out to eat.
I love my life!
Yet…I am nervous about my sons coming home from their summer vacation because now that I don’t live with my parents I have no place for them to come visit me. Their Dad texted me yesterday asking if I wanted to keep them for the week before they go back to school.
All I could reply was, “I can’t.”
I can’t. I have to work. Umm..Don’t you need the child support? Well, that affects my ability to see them because before I was struggling to be able to buy food when we see each other but now I’m in an even tighter spot because I have this child support bill to pay PLUS try to spend time with them, which costs money.
Even though all of this is going on, I have a strange sense of peace. Sometimes I think I must be crazy to still be happy through all of this
My sons love me and they know I love them. I really, really look forward to the day when I can stop laying the foundation for my success and actually see the benefits of my sacrifices and dedication.
I met this guy the other day and as he told me a little bit about his life story he quoted Frederick Douglas: Without struggle, there is no progress.
Hmmm…
Well, I know I’ve been progressing if that is true.
I really believe in my imagined end. It’s one of happiness, success and triumph. I see myself so clearly autographing books, traveling with my children, teaching workshops and inspiring millions with my affirmations.
I see all of that, yet I still struggle through many issues myself. But each time I face an issue I ask myself, “What is this teaching me?”
I think lately my struggle has been living with the couple and watching them be all cuddled up and kissy faced all the time. I feel like an intruder. But that has nothing to do with them really.
I always feel like that, no matter where I am. I somehow feel like an outsider, an alien..different from everyone else. The things that are important to me: spirituality, inspiring others, creating a legacy for my children, well, they aren’t so important to everyone else that I know.
I don’t know…
But what I do know is..there’s something that has changed in me. Inside me. I no longer allow the fear, anger or depression to hang around my heart. I truly am…like..peaceful most days. I feel like I’m on this roller coaster ride and God has the controls.
I trust.
I’m okay.