Fears In The City

You won’t understand that this feeling I have gotten is overwhelming me. I don’t know what to do. I fear them. To hear their deep voices in my ears makes me cringe. The thought of one of them flirting with me, stirs my heartrate. I tremble at the thought of one of them trying to talk to me. When I go out I don’t smile or look at anyone because I really don’t want any guys to talk to me. Sometimes I feel like this fear is running my life.

I try to be sociable but I’m afraid. I’m so afraid.

I’m afraid of pouring out my heart and giving the essence of me and people not appreciating or seeing it at as annoying or whatever. I’ve experienced that so much. I don’t want to experience that one more time.
So I run. RUN! RUN! When I see them. They still try to talk to me.

SOmetimes when I go out, outside of work, I don’t wear any makeup, clothes dont match and im like whatever. They still bother me. I feel like it’s punishment for me never dealing with the issue.

It’s scaring me that so many men are attracted to me at one time. I haven’t felt like this since I was 19. I’m not used to all of this chivalry and shit. I don’t know who to trust because they all seem so nice to me.

So when I pick one to hang with I’m careful, when I go visit my girls have his name adress and phone number. And when I get there I’m shaking, literally. We’re supposed to be relaxing but it’s very difficult to do when you can’t even think straight because you are so nervous. You’re wondering what is he gonna do to me? How is he gonna hurt me? You know they are attracted to you for your looks and not your heart. Sometimes you just want them to know you before they wanna touch you.

But then sometimes it’s hard because..shit…you want some too. And then you sit and weigh in the pros and cons of if you should actually do it. I mean, you don’t really like him, but he’s aiight. I don’t know man. He’s a damn MAN- capabale of anything, even going slap crazy after you did it.

But in the end you don’t do anything because you find some reason to leave and then you never talk to the guy again. If he calls, you don’t answer. If you see him, you act like he’s invisible. I guess your heart is so caught up in the when that you can’t appreciate the now.

It’s like you are steadily expecting a hard blow from up high. You live in fear of people hurting you.

I don’t know how many times that I have cried when a man has initially touched me? I tremble under his fingertips. But you’re a pretty good actress, you hope. You don’t want everyone to know.

Happens everytime. Over and over again. My body is tense from worrying over it because ultimately i have a lot of love to give and I want to give it to someone who can appreciate a good woman who is on her way to being a superstar journalist. Sometimes I look at these guys and think, “You’re so dumb. Do you see who you’re acting up with? Do you know what my destiny is? Oh I forgot, I met you at the damn mall and you have no idea who I really am?”

That’s why I hate meeting guys on the street or in the mall or whatever. Unless they can see me in action, doing what I love to do most which is writing or speaking or being innovative then they won’t understand what I am going to be or value the eccentric woman that I am now.

They don’t care. They just see a little short woman with a nice face and a nice package. Well lemme tell ya, it’s a mirage. I wear makeup everyday and my package ain’t as slim as these jeans would have you to believe because um…It’s not pretty.

The reality is I’m half crazy with the desire to accomplish my dreams. It’s all I talk about it’s all I breathe. I dont kno wif a lot of people would want to be around someone who is always talking about setting goals and going after your wildest success.It can be quite daunting when you are with someone who just wants to relax and you want to talk about new trends in the media industry and how you got this great idea.

I’m sorry ya’ll. If you don’t believe me I think this is my frst time blogging while drunk. I never thought I could do it. I’m not really drunk but I’m tipsy from a couple of glasses of wine with a friend who is probably never gonna see my face again because he started flirting with me tonight. Things were going really cool at first then he changed his tone and started this whole act, it was so childish.I hate when men flirt with me. Come better than that. Ofcourse begin with a compliment to get my attention but after that no sexual references or innuendo. I mean, not unless you know how to do it right. Make me blush don’t make me cringe in embarrassment.

Id rather be straight up and communiate the truth. Hey, I’m feeling you. I’m feeling you too. Let’s see what’s up. No fears. No holds barred. We can be free to enjoy each other’s company as often as we wish or as little as we like with no expectations that the other person is taking you for granted or trying to hurt you. Just enjoying each other and enjoying giving to each other,focusing on supporting each other’s happiness.

Whatever. ~fold arms~ With men? I don’t know if it will happen.

But anyway I came in here to finish my stories and I realize It’s not gonna happen. Damn. I am going to be so busy tomorrow.

Oh well…when are we not busy.

I just hope that this week runs more smoothly than the last and that I get over these fears before they destroy my destiny. I love people. I sincerely want to see their lives changed. Why am I always afraid that they are going to hurt me? I think I worry even more about whether they would accept me with all of my little crazy quirks. Maybe I’m afraid of being so naiive that I don’t recognize the big bad wolf because I’m trying to be so nice.

Um…I don’t know. I hope I didnt say too much.

I’ll read it tomorrow and see cuz I’m tired. I’m tired and tomorow is another day that I have to face my fears and go deal with these men at work and in the city.

I’m workin on it.