Faced with the reality of mortality, I would like to present my living will.
I do not wish to be revived in the case of a natural death nor do I wish to remain on life support if I am unable to make decisions for myself. I do wish for my organs to be donated if they are working and useful. I do not wish to have a funeral where my body is on display. I do not wish to be buried. I do ask that people may hold a private gathering in my name and eat food and dance and drink.
I have nothing material to leave to anyone but these words on the screen and my life story for the past 8 years that you’ve followed and I’ve recorded quite emotionally. I am not proud of the past yet it’s mine and I can’t change it.
If I died today, my only regret would be that my sons will never know how much they meant to me. I leave behind nothing on this earth that bears a reward for my efforts but this blog will remain and I want someone to show it to them someday so they’ll be able to go back and read about when we used to live together and all the ways I grew as a woman while still trying to be a mother to them.
I wasn’t the best mom out here and I’m sure they may feel that I am a disappointment because I’m not like all the other moms. I don’t have a perm, I don’t like to socialize, I hate football and I will never be a PTA member. I can’t help who I am or that they chose to come to life through me so I hope I didn’t do too much damage.
If anything I’d want them to know this: You ain’t gotta do shit.
You ain’t gotta do nothing great in your life. You ain’t gotta get married. You ain’t gotta finish college. You ain’t gotta change the world. That shit is irrelevant.
What’s relevant is that you use this time on this physical earth to have as many good experiences as you can. Don’t let anyone tell you that you’re supposed to choose a career, get married, have kids, etc. Don’t give in to that societal pressure because it’s bullshit. You know what makes you happy and following someone else’s prescription for life isn’t going to make you happy.
Life is NOT about climbing the corporate ladder or hurting others so that you can maintain your 5 bedroom house and big shiny car. Life is about discovery. This world is a playground. Go play in it for as long as you can. Ain’t nothing wrong with that.
I wish I had more to leave but I don’t. All I have are these words on the screen and the energy behind them that you should be feeling right now. This energy lets you know that you are more than loved, you were my biggest blessing and you are the loves of my life forever, no matter what anyone says or what you even think.
I may have departed from this body and I’m probably not hovering over you watching you at night but that’s okay because I trust you to make the best decisions for your life and I trust that you will live an authentic life full of fun and enjoyment. I know I did. I tried the hell out of life! I tried everything I ever wanted to do- that was within my power.
I was so stupid to yearn for love when the definition of love slid out of my womb so many years ago. I had it within me all this time and I still thought it was missing.
You are the shit. If no one recognizes it, they are stupid.
You don’t need anyone’s acceptance or approval. Fuck’em. Most of them are blindly following what someone else told them to be anyway and they’re only mad at you because they can’t control you. To hell with them.
By the way, there is no hell. Don’t be afraid of that shit. Just live life in a way that makes you proud to be alive and don’t do anything that you don’t want to see broadcast on the news.
You can do what you wanna do in life as long as it doesn’t hurt others. You can do nothing at all if you want and that doesn’t make you less of a person. The shiny car, the big house- they mean NOTHING in the grand scheme of things. Look at me, did I take anything with me? Nope. If it can’t go with you when you die, it doesn’t matter that much.
Whatever love means to you at this point- I hope you know that your Mama, who fought for your to live when others told me to get rid of you- held you in her heart and ached for you when she wasn’t near. She took a bunch of risks hoping that somehow she could care for you like you deserved without having to go crazy in the process.
Just be real. Be you. Fuck the other side.
Let your real self show. Those who are supposed to connect with you, will be drawn to you, those that don’t, won’t. It’s an automatic weeding out process that you won’t have control over so don’t even try or care.
Do what you like. That’s what life is about. Be grateful and go for what you want. But then, if you don’t get it, just understand that it wasn’t meant for you to have. Make peace with it.
Always,
Mommy