It’s February 2nd and I want to remember this day forever. Let me tell a story.
One day you decide you want to take a trip to a place you’ve never been so you find out which bus to take and you stand on the bus stop and then hop on the bus. As you ride the bumpy ride you look out the window, noticing the change in the scenario wandering what comes next. You watch as different people enter the bus and their personalities fill the narrow space. You enjoy some and you are annoyed by others but for the most part you are still interested in seeing how the personalities and the scenery changes and eager to get to really experience your destination.
Once you are about 20 miles outside of your destination, your driver takes a break. You’re allowed to get out and walk around and he says, “This is very similar to where you’re headed, enjoy.”
You walk around, talk to people and get a feel for this strange new place.
When time comes to get back on the bus, you hesitate.
You don’t want to go with these people where they are headed. You did not enjoy the resting place. You know you would be miserable if you got back on that bus with them. This does not feel exciting or interesting to you anymore. You know you won’t prosper with this crowd.
But what about the fact that everyone you know is expecting you to go there? They asked for pictures. They’re waiting to hear the stories. How could you disappoint them?
You don’t care.
You wish them well on their journey and watch the bus doors close and you sit on the side of the road, waiting for another bus.
Which is basically what I did today.
I withdrew from grad school. I am not going to become a counselor after all. I do not belong with those people sitting in those offices, doing the things they were doing, oh no. And I don’t want to continue a journey to somewhere I know I do not belong. That’s a dumb idea.
So what will I do next?
I don’t know.
Maybe this bus will take me to a place where I feel more comfortable and more free to be me and where I will flourish creatively. If not, I’ll find another one.
It’s my journey.
Let’s see where this choice leads.
Bold, daring, confident, strong…I look up to you Tee. You inspire me to go for the unknown.
Tee. Whether you wanted to do this for the rest of your life or not, why didn't you finish the program? You were so close to finishing.
This reminds me of a discovery I made about my mom once. My mom has always been late. When I was a little girl, we were late to school almost every day. We would sit and make up a funny story about why I was late this time: "I'll tell them that a lion dropped out of a tree and jumped on our car," and we would laugh.
As I grew up, I accepted the various reasons for my mom's constant tardiness: single motherhood, the stress of life, having 2 jobs, etc., etc., etc.
One day I was home visiting my mom and we were supposed to be at a family dinner at 4. I watched as mom mom walked around the house in her pj's, doing little or nothing all.day.long. Meanwhile, I showered, got dressed, left the house and came back. Still nothing. Each time I would plead for her to get ready, she'd reply, "I am! I'm getting ready!"
Finally it dawned on me: "You LIKE being late. You like the adrenaline rush of being late. If you have the choice of not being late and being late, you'll choose being late every time." Unbelievable!! This is absolutely unfathomable to most people but for her it was the absolute truth.
For all your suffering and misfortune, you still have all the tools you need to achieve everything you talk about in your dreams. You *could have* all of that. You are extremely bright, you're a great writer, you know how to engage with people when you want to, you're insightful, articulate, etc. The house for you and your sons? The nice car with a sunroof? The fancy counseling clients? The book deal?
I don't say this lightly – you.could.have.all.of.that, Tee. You just don't want to. Given the choice between having all of that and dreaming about all of that, you choose dreaming about all of that. Perhaps unfathomable to most people, but true nonetheless.
Ain't nothing wrong with that or wrong with you – but if you do believe it to be true, and you do want to change, try to turn that energy around and make it work for you.
Use your power to dream big as motivation and fuel not as something to lift you so far up in the clouds that your feet never touch the ground. XOXO
I love you guys!
Thanks for sharing your comments! The truth is, there's a part of the story that I am leaving out which affects this decision but the other truth is, the thought of sitting in that internship for 7 months makes me ill. I know for a fact that i would NEVER want to do this as a profession. Sitting in an office, in a room, oh no. I was miserable and instead of whining and complaining as I moved toward the completion of a goal I no longer value, I decided to walk away. Everyone benefits, especially the clients who will have someone who actually wants to be there.
You ever got service from someone who hated their job? I don't want to be one of those people taking out my frustrations on people who don't deserve it.
~hugs~
@Monicac2: Wow, that's definitely a perspective I can relate to and I agree with you. Sometimes we are so afraid of our true greatness that we run from it…
@Tee: Do you ever feel like in you are in a cycle? From what I've been reading of you over the years, you are constantly starting and dropping out right at the point of success. Why not try something different – break the cycle for a change? Why not go ahead and achieve the success THEN see how you feel afterwards, rather than deciding to QUIT right before the success materializes?
Success is defined differently. Everyone can decide what it means to them. Yes, you are right, it seems that I am in a cycle of starting something, doing GREAT at it and then walking on to something new. Maybe its a character trait as i do get bored with repetitive work.
For me, sticking it out at something I hated would not be fair to my life which I treasure or the clients I will have to work with. That is not success, that is just doing what others want me to do. If no one ever considers me a success I am cool with that. I'll know for myself that I did EVERYTHING i ever wanted to in life and i experienced the joy of doing it ALL.Thats so awesome to me! Sometimes, success isn't about longevity. If I had stayed in that it would have generated only MORE of the same and I did not like doing it. Just because I'm good at something doesnt mean I have to do it. I do not choose misery. And again, other circumstances affected this decision greatly, which I havent written about YET.
Follow along and please don't be too mad at me for my choices. I often wonder why I am led to make the decisions I make and then later I see how they benefit me. I know this is one of those times yet I don't see how yet. But I'll let you know.
~hugs~