Dirty Little Secrets

I have some confessions to make that I’ve been holding back for fear of shame. Here goes…

Almost Kissed

I almost kissed a man recently. Well, he almost kissed me. I was dumbfounded when he went for it. I didn’t know what to do so I jetted out of there as quickly as I could. Since we were in a public place I didn’t think about having to watch out for him making a move on me. Ever since that day I cringe when I think about it.

I feel bad. Not because of my future husband. (His behind is getting on my nerves ALREADY with all this hiding out crap. Come out of hiding, whoever you are, because we have work to do!)

And…Not because I dissappointed God, because I didn’t really.

I feel bad because it seems that men just see me as sex objects or something they want to possess. If I don’t give them what they want, they get pissed and move on. I feel bad because I can’t believe I didn’t know that he was trying to come on to me. I was being naiive thinking he thought I was cool.

I’m thinking of becoming a nun.

It’s been on my mind a lot lately. I spend so much time in communication with God that I figured, “This must be what nuns do.” I like it.

I want to hide God inside of me. I want to horde him and have him all to myself. I don’t know if I want to be a part of this crazy world. I already feel like I’m not. I love the way He loves and takes care of me. I want Him to live in me, continuing to encourage me and guide me in a most loving way.

Maybe I don’t have to be a nun to have all of that, but if I were a nun, my only job would be to seek His face.

I don’t know how this new vision lines up with my old vision of being a swinger. I’ll have to pray about that.

I still think about my BBDD sexually.

I still think he’s attractive and sometimes I sit and remember how we used to be “friends”. He was my number one hanging partner in college. Even though he will probably say he never loved me and he never respected me and so on…He’s lieing. We loved each other once upon a time.

I feel like one of those butch lesbians because I’m so dominating.

If it were my choice, I would be one. That’s how I know you don’t choose your sexuality. I think it’s a spirit and a natural preference just like your preferences for certain foods. The only thing is…the thought of seeing a vagina up close disgusts me.

I sure do appreciate the beauty and sexiness of a woman. There’s nothing like it!

I want to be submissive.

But I haven’t found anyone strong enough to submit to. It’s really about trust. I don’t trust anyone enough to listen to them completely and honor them in that way. But I’d like to. I’m tired of being the driver and telling everyone what to do and making all of the demands for what I know I deserve.

I’d like to sit back and stop being the MAN eventually. I want to be a lady. A prissy, can’t even touch the doorknob, “my baby is too precious to walk in the rain” type of lady. And I want to sit down and serve my king like I’m his number one lady in waiting. I love to serve!

I’ll wear anything you like. Booty shorts and a halter top? The pink ones or the blue ones, babe? A maid’s outfit? Sure…as long as I don’t really have to clean. I’m sooo into role playing honey. As long as you take good care of me, I want your happiness and pleasure to be a top priority in my life. Anything you ask will be replied with, “Whatever pleases you sir.” LOL! It’s funny but I am being so serious. I don’t want control all the time.

Ahh… My secret desires…served nice and hot with a soda on the side.