The difference between 20 and 30

Sylvia came over tonight.

With a bottle of vodka and a sad ass movie that was a complete waste of time. It was called Closer. Don’t see this movie. You will be very pissed off at the end. I promise. ~rolls eyes~

Funny thing is, I couldn’t even drink. We usually watch a movie and have a few drinks but I just couldn’t. It may have something to do with the fact that I haven’t had any hard liquor since my birthday almost a month ago. I don’t know, I just…don’t have the taste for it anymore. Oh yeah and I haven’t smoked at all either. ~shrugs~

Last weekend was so crazy. Cuz usually when my sons are gone I get loose! I look forward to it. I love to do it, but..this time, I didn’t do anything. No seriously, I only went to the wine tasting, had a great time BY MYSELF and came straight home. I then spent the rest of the night watching TV by myself. I can’t believe it either.

And the next day, I woke up around 10 am and got out of bed and I, now sit down or you’ll probably spill your drink, I cleaned up my house. ~cringing~ I really did. It smelled like pine sol and bleach around this piece. I was so proud of myself! I even did laundry! I’m so confused. I don’t know who I am anymore.

The rest of the day was spent talking on the phone with Kim as she prepares to move to Atlanta next week for her new job. After we were done, I went to the bookstore aka pure heaven.

I love the bookstore. It’s like, the most perfect place in the world. When I go to the bookstore I have no worries. I am truly happy and carefree. I have no agenda. I just, browse the titles and read the synopsis. I pick one and find a quiet spot and then I lie down and read for hours. Right there, on the floor. No one bothers me. It’s the most amazing feeling. It feels like complete freedom.

I went in to the store for one book. Confessions of a Video Vixen. I got it. I took it home and read it straight through. I finished in 3 hours. I liked it. I found 3 little mistakes a copy editor should have found but overall it was just a very moving and personal story. It is going to make a good movie.

I invited Sylvia to go with me to South Beach tomorrow night. She’s so excited. She has been asking me to go out with her for WEEKS. I’m not really up to it, but one of my absolute favorite bloggers is in town and I want to meet him. Him. Yes, he’s a man. So that puts a damper of things a bit. But I’m trying not to think about his being a man and just go and have some guaranteed fun with someone who seems to be guaranteed fun. I hope I get to go out there and relax and stop being so damn uptight about everything. Will this pain in my upper back ever go away?

What am I dealing with lately? Well, what do you do when you have a man in your world who is saying all the right things but he is someone that you know you would NEVER EVER in a million years be with? Why does shit happen like that?

You never love the one who loves you. And vice versa. Why is love so mismatched like that? And why do we even desire love anyway? I mean, its really just a FEELING. An emotion. And we all know emotions are ever changing.

I don’t rememeber if it was a movie or a book or whatever but someone said, “Everyone in their 20’s is looking to get married and everyone in their 30’s is looking to get a divorce.”

Now ain’t that some mess?

I remember writing a song before but I don’t remember the words. I just remember this beautiful melody in my head and my voice, sounding strong and clear and wonderful singing this magnificent tune. I just can’t hear it anymore.

That is how I feel right now. There’s a tune my heart used to sing. I remember the feeling associated with it. But I just can’t hear it anymore.

But I want to, because I’m so tired ya’ll.

I’m so tired of not feeling free.