Today was such a hectic day.
I didn’t get half of my to-do list accomplished. But instead of being frustrated about it I decided to take a nap to clear my mind.
I dreamt of going to a party where all of these people I hadn’t seen in so long were laughing and and enjoying each other. I went around the room and looked at everyone, trying to capture their faces in my memory because…I knew it was all a dream.
I sat down on the couch and relaxed, enjoying the comfort of a nice big sofa. My boys ran in and started playing on the floor. I looked at my oldest son and said, “Come sit with me.”
He smiled and joined me on the couch and I gave him a great big hug.
Then next thing you know, my family showed up, all of my cousins, aunts and uncles from Miami. It reminded me of the family parties we used to have where the everyone used to drink as much as they could handle and dance, dance, dance.
My goddaddy walked through the door and I greeted him. Then my uncle showed up. The one who died last year. He was wearing a white tee and some white dress pants and a white belt. He had a cigarette dangling from his lips as always and a white cup of some kind of brown drink. He danced over to me and gave me a hug. I hugged him snugly, lingering for a moment, just for old times sake and we danced some more.
I woke up smiling and remembering my boys.
I took for granted being a Mom back then. I was so hard on myself about my shortcomings. I wish I had just..enjoyed life more and enjoyed being with them.
We used to have fun. We’d go outside in the backyard and set up the tent. Then all 3 of us would climb in and pretend to take a nap. We used to go for walks around the block and I’d teach them about being in the streets and how you had to always watch your back, front and sides and notice everyone. We’d practice crossing the street. “Look left, right, then left again. Now run!”
I remember when my son first started kindergarten and he cried and cried and I cried too. That big ol’school. That book bag he wore was bigger than he was.
I used to get up early and take him to school everyday. All 3 of us would walk into the cafeteria and get breakfast. I taught him how to open his milk.
One day, I was getting out of the car to walk him in and he told me that he could do it himself.
“Are you sure?” I asked him.
“Yes, Mama.”
“Do you know what to do?”
“Yes, Mama.”
And I watched him walk away into the big school.
I cried in the car.
I miss those times. I miss those days.
I miss being a Mama.
Even though the days flow like molasses and I have no idea what tomorrow will bring. I know this situation is temporary and I know that my sons will be with me again.
Never take for granted the role of motherhood. It’s the sweetest, most precious thing.
I never fantasized about being a mother when I was younger, all I wanted to do was become a leader and help people.
But Motherhood was God’s greatest gift to me so far. The best surprise I could ever receive.
I want to be a Mama again, to my boys and to my future children.
I want to hold my baby in my arms, change diapers and breastfeed.
I want to watch him (or her) take first steps and laugh.
My oldest son didn’t need coaxing for potty training. One day he woke up and snatched off his diaper. “I want to wear underwear,” he said.
I laughed at him.
I’ll never take for granted having friends and having fun. I miss those times of laughing with my cousins and their kids.
One day Anna brought her daughter over and we put the kids in the room and got loose off some vodka and orange juice while they played.
I don’t know when I’m gonna be a Mom again, but I’m grateful everyday for their father because he’s taking such good care of them.
I’m grateful that I am single too. No man drama in my life.
I am grateful for the relationship that I have developed with God. All my trust is in Him. No one is taking care of me but Him. No one cares more than He does.
My friends are so good to me. I laugh when I think about how their phone calls mean so much to me. They have no idea that their kind words mean the world to me. I am uplifted by their voices, IM’s and text messages.
I miss my friends.
I miss my old life but I’m setting the stage for a new one, right here in Dallas.
Dallas?
I never even thought about visiting Texas before I got here. I used to see the state on the map and think, “That’s where the cowboys live.”
I know that living in the past is a failure method and I don’t want to do that it’s just…my days are spent all alone, such a new experience for me.
Soon I’ll be surrounded by love and laughter, I’m sure of that. Soon I’ll be secure in my income and working in my passion. I’ll have my boys with me and they’ll be glad to be back with their Mama.
I can’t wait.