Dark Skin and Strong Hands

I haven’t had secks in quite a while.

Hey, I can’t help it. It’s on my mind a lot. Especially on rainy days like today. Last week at this time I was hanging out with the barbeque guy and having a good time. A few hours later when things got heated I was in a state of confusion because even though he was well within my scope of men I would call ‘fine’ I didn’t want to do anything with him.

I have had other opportunities to get some, but again, I didn’t want to. Which begs the question: Am I celibate?

What is celibacy anyway? Is it simply abstaining from secks? Does celibacy have to be voluntary? Do you have to go a certain amount of time without it in order to be ‘official’?

Am I choosing celibacy or just not meeting the right guy?

I know that I do not want a booty call. I want someone who is emotionally available for me as well. And it took me long enough to get Dude to take an HIV test with me, I don’t wanna have to go through that again. If I am having secks with any man on a regular basis, we have to get tested together. Condoms or not, I begin to feel icky and I stay up late nights worrying about my status until I see that paper.

And I guess I want to meet someone that I admire. I want him to admire me too. I want him to be a fan of my writing and in general, a fan of my success.

I spoke with B the other day. Remember I met him at the beginning of this year. He’s the closest thing to perfect from where I sit, except, he doesn’t see me as anything but a friend. And it’s not like I’m a special friend. He makes friends wherever he goes because he is a very special man. He has the one quality that makes me go crazy; extreme ambition.

He just started a new job at Deloitte and he is so hungry to learn and exceed his counterparts. “I can’t wait to go to training,” he told me. “I’m gonna learn EVERYTHING I can so I can come out on top.”

“Get it Daddy!” I squealed, my passion fueled by his excitement to win.

It only saddens me that he’s fine as hell too. How nice. He wants to be friends. How nice is that?

Anyway…I’m sitting here trying to rationalize why I haven’t felt the embrace of a man in so long. Some days I feel like I’m going to die. When I’m at work I think about it. I look around at all the men there and think, “Does anyone wanna come home with me and cuddle?”

But I never say anything to them. I try not to have too deep of a conversation with the men there because I would be sadly disappointed if any of them tried to befriend me only to get some ‘icecream’.

I miss Dude.

I ain’t gonna lie. I do. I miss his companionship. I miss his smile. I miss him. He would give me the world’s best back massages. After he was done I felt like someone had untied all of the knots in my back and I could breathe better. I could behave like a brat and whine and complain and get upset and he’d just lay there and watch me rant. Then when I paused he’d ask, “Are you done yet?” and then we’d just relax and talk to each other. He didn’t take me being ME personally. Everyone who knows me knows I am a very tense person. All the time.

I need to lighten up.

I need to relax.

I’ve been telling myself these things for years and I have made no progress with that part of my personality. I’m still an uptight bitch.

I think I wanna cry tonight.

I love to cry because it allows me to show my weakness which is something I try never to do.

So thats it.

I’m celibate.

Do I have to sign a pledge card or something?

I will not have secks until I meet someone very special and he has traits (other than dark skin and strong hands) that are worthy of admiration. He has to excite the same way a well written poem excites me.

So…like Tonya said when I told her that it was hard being alone every day and night, “You’ll get used to it.”

I’ll get used to it eventually.

In the meantime, I think I’ll get another job to take my mind off of my lack of love and affection.

So it’s back to the couch for me!

Lata…