Colorful Images

There was a hush over the city of Miami last night.

A collective gasp that turned into multiple heads shaking under the Miami moonlight.

One of our longtime Black politicians who had been crucified for MONTHS in the local media for his involvement in money laundering and a host of other political crimes, walked into The Miami Herald (our local newspaper), asked for a particular journalist who had been following his criminal investigation and subsequent indictment, and shot himself in front of him.

A Black politician.

Within the hour, every television station broadcast color photos of this man’s dead body soaked with blood during the early evening news. It turns out that a Herald staff member took the pictures and passed them on to the media.

This morning the radio stations were buzzing with irate callers expressing sympathy for the politician’s family. One 99 Jamz caller said, “I can’t imagine being one of his relatives and turning on my television and seeing that after my evening meal. They have no respect for the dead. It doesn’t matter what he did, they should have kept those images to themselves.”

My heart sank when I heard the news. Yeah, he was guilty of those crimes. Yeah, he deserved the lofty sentence that awaited him, but what was really behind the mounting accusations and slander? Better question: who? Could he have acted alone? Or was he the fall guy? Was the media responsible for his actions that evening? Was their relentless pursuit of scandal the reason he felt he could no longer go on?

There are so many questions that need to be considered here, but the main question is, why?

Suicide.

Is that really the answer?

I know that I have thought about this method of solving my problems. I used to think, “Since everyone is so critical of me, maybe they would be happier if I was gone.” I don’t think that way anymore.

Yes, suicide is an option, but it should not be a realistic one. Don’t you know what that voice is that is telling you to do it? It’s not God. It’s not your rational mind. It’s a force trying to rob you of all God has for you. I battled with this voice who had me convinced that everyone was against me and I don’t deserve life. But thank God for divine intervention, because if I had not called Mimi one drama filled night, I may not be here today to encourage you through this.

I too, considered suicide. Back when I was pregnant with my first son. I was at my lowest point. I had no money. I wasn’t in school. And my Baby Daddy hated me. And I was to blame for it all. One night we had a fight and he left with one of his girlfriends. I was so devastated. So upset that I dissappointed him yet again. I took a cup and a bottle of bleach and I sat down on the green couches in our living room. I tore a piece of paper out of a journal I had been keeping and divided it into two sides. On one side I wrote: Reasons to live. On the other side I wrote: Reasons to die.

I easily filled the ‘reasons to die’ list with things like; I can’t make my boyfriend happy. I’m horrible at school. He hates that I don’t clean. I’m really a bother to my friends and they really don’t like me. I’m a burden to everyone and they just put up with me because they feel sorry for me.

I couldn’t think of a single thing to put on my ‘reasons to live’ list.

Before I downed the cup, a moment flashed through my mind. I remembered meeting one of my sorority sisters and her whispering in my ear one night after a sorority meeting, “Hey, if you ever need to talk, you can call me.” I remembered her at that moment although I had never spoken to her before. I called around until I found her number and I asked her to come over. She did, with no hesitation even we were not friends and I had never spoken to her before.

I showed her the lists. She took me to her house and I cried and I screamed and I kicked wondering why I wasn’t good enough for him. I wondered why he wasn’t EVER satisfied with me even though I accepted his ashy ass and he wasn’t even attractive. I cried and I cried and she held me. And then…she began to pray.

She prayed so much that I could not stand to listen anymore. I was all cried out. As I opened my mouth to tell her to stop, no words came out. Only sounds. A jumble of words and phrases unlike anything I had ever heard before. It was as if my words were being spoken for me in one long howling breath.

That night I knew that things were about to change. I went home, picked up the broken glass from the window I had broken in my rage and fell asleep on the couch. Two weeks later, God saved me from myself.

Since then I have had rough times. I still battle them now but I will never again consider suicide simply because my life was a gift from God and you don’t return a gift from God. As bad as it may get. As low as you may feel. As much as you may hate yourself, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I promise. The weight may feel like it’s too heavy to bear. I know. I’ve been there, but if you give up now you may NEVER get to experience those things that you were too afraid to hope for. You’ve always wanted a family? Well, how do you know that your desire was not just moments away? School got you stressed? It’s just school. You will pass. I NEVER thought that I would graduate. I was the WORST student. But I have a degree from a premiere University. I got it! Just barely, but it’s mine.

If I had given up that night I would have never been the first person in my family to receive a college degree. If I had given up that night I would never know the joy of motherhood. If I had given up that night I would have never seen healing in my relationship with my mother or seen my sister get saved. Look at all I almost missed out on! All because I was focused on a person who did not value me. Don’t focus on that one negative aspect of your life. Are you lookin good? Smellin good? Eatin good? Well, AMEN!

Some people don’t have that. You are in this world for a reason. You were created to be a blessing to SOMEONE. Someone needs you. Yes, YOU! Someone needs you to show them love. Someone needs you to listen to them. You are someone’s soulmate. Don’t block someone else’s blessing.

Don’t allow a temporary situation to get you to make a mistake you can’t repent for. There’s no way to ask for forgiveness once you’re gone.

Even on my worst day, when I’m stank and hot and my kitchen is a mess and I have to scrounge around for quarters for gas, I manage to thank God. I call my friends and complain and then I thank God because at least He decided to wake me up today. And each day he blessed me with the gift of life, is another day I can work towards making my existence a little better to cope with.

If you haven’t heard it today; I love you. I really do. I may not be perfect but I am so good at showing love. Drop me a line if you ever want to talk.

Sincerely,

Ms. Tee