Today was such a beautiful day!
I woke up smiling and laughing. Then I did my favorite thing: I opened my laptop to start writing. I wrote two new articles that I’ve been meaning to write and they came out well.
I called my friend Tonya to chat about her date she had last week. Things didn’t turn out the way she hoped they would which inspired me to draft the outline for my 3rd article for the day.
As I sat cross legged on my bed, running my mouth, telling her stories about my eventful week last week, I stopped mid sentence when I realized, “Tonya, don’t I sound different when I talk about dating women than I do when I talk about men?”
“VERY different,” she said.
My heart kinda sank. What if I really do like girls more? What if I am gay for real? When I meet men I feel a sense of dread, like, “What is HE going to try to do to hurt me?” When I flirt with a woman I feel excitement in my body and my spirit. It’s not like I have had a great love with a woman yet and I KNOW from experience that women can be just as shady as men but I just have a soft spot for them and I like interacting with them. With men, I always try to convince them they won’t love me when they get to know me and I don’t take any of them seriously or treat them with respect because I don’t care, they won’t be in my life long anyway.
I sighed as I hung up the phone with her but then shook off that vibe of confusion.
Then I stood up, stretched and looked out the window. Wow. Today is a total beach day. I imagined myself putting on my bathing suit and taking the bus to the beach. I looked toward my closet and said – NOT.
But I didn’t want to miss the chance to allow the sun to kiss my face so I took a shower, put on my favorite yellow sundress with no underwear and no bra and I slid my feet into my flip flops.
I walked outside, basking in the late afternoon sunlight. My phone rang and I smiled- it’s my boys!
We chatted and chatted about everything.
“Mama, did you know we went to our football banquet and got trophies!”
“That’s awesome! How many do you have in total now?”
“Do medals we wear around our necks count?” my younger son asked.
“Sure do!” I said.
“Well then we have four each. 8 in total.”
“Aww man! I got a lot of catching up to do. I only have two! I’m gonna beatcha!”
They laughed and told me, “We’re at the park right now by ourselves.”
“By yourselves?! Why?!!!”
“Daddy dropped us off. We brought the football so we’re playing and hanging out.”
“By yourselves?!!!”
“Yes Mama. This isn’t the first time.”
“But who’s going to watch you to make sure no one bothers you?”
“Mama. We’re in (insert name of neighborhood) it’s not like this is Liberty City,” my older son quipped.
“Smart aleck!”
He laughed. I can’t believe my boys are so independent. I still hold their hands when we cross the street and I still lotion them down when they get out of the shower. I still cradle them in my arms and rock them like babies because they like it when I do that. Their Daddy is allowing them to grow up and it hurts. I try to remind myself that I have two football playing boys but I just love my sugarpops and want to cuddle them and give them treats so they will smile. They’re my Coo Coo bears. My love buttons.
“Look, I want to tell you something. Mommy is studying palm reading.”
“What’s that?”
“Look at the lines on your palms, they tell a story. You can learn a lot about your life path by looking at the way the lines are shaped and curved.”
“For real?”
“Yes, baby. I’m studying it so next time I see you I will be able to read your future.”
“Um, ok Mama.”
I laughed. My son began to sing the opening lines from my latest poem,
She’s beautiful She’s sexy I want her Get next to me
She’s bossy She’s messy Anxiety Bad breath too
I laughed and finished the poem, reciting it as I continued to walk to the grocery store.
“Mama, is that poem about you?” my son asked.
“Yes.”
“Well, you ARE messy,” he noted.
“I know it and I love it!”
We hung up soon after and I walked home feeling the breeze flow through my sundress directly on my bare booty.
A man walked by smiling a BRIGHT smile and I returned it. “Do you mind if I walk with you?” he asked.
“Not at all. What kind of pizza do you have there?” I asked inhaling the strong scent.
“Green peppers and onions,” he told me. He then told me about a homeless person who asked for a slice.
“I felt bad about not giving him one but my friend and I went half on this pizza and I don’t like the idea of giving her the box and a slice is missing so I just gave the man $2. Then he asked for some change.”
“Don’t give them money,” I warned them remember my last encounter with a homeless woman who I see all the time and usually give money to. “Cuz the moment you don’t have any cash to give they are going to go off and cause a scene.”
Just before we parted ways he said to me, “You look perfect today.”
I smiled. I love it when I get compliments, especially when I’m not wearing makeup.
“Thank you,” I blushed.
“God wasn’t PLAYIN when he made you!”
Awww…
“But he did one thing wrong,” the man began.
“What?” I asked.
“If I were him I would have kept you to myself.”
Awww…………..
I said goodbye and walked home SMILING so bright and so big. When I got home I snatched off that dress and walked around naked for a little while before choosing a t shirt to wear. I sat on my bed and opened my laptop to write and then I paused as I realized-
Today is such a beautiful day.
I feel so happy inside.
I haven’t had anxiety ALL DAY!
I feel so good, so peaceful. It feels euphoric.
I think leaving grad school and my internship has something to do with it. I love living like this, total freedom to create, write inspirational articles and learn. It’s hard trying to explain to people why finishing grad school wasn’t the best idea for me and I understand their frustration. They know I have talent and they want the world to see me shine and they feel like if I keep walking away from things before I can be noticed for what I do I will never get the chance to shine.
But I don’t know how to change that. All I know is that when I don’t like doing something I don’t want to do it. I feel like I’m being led and every decision I make is a set up for my greatest future. I feel like I do make the best choices for my life. I feel like this is what I was supposed to do.
I remember in December how I “felt” that I should quit one of my jobs. My friend Anna tried to talk me out of it but I didn’t listen because I only do what I think I should do and I respect no one’s opinion above my own because no one can guide me toward my best future but ME.
I’m glad i didn’t listen. I resigned as soon as I felt that nudge and then days later my restaurant fired me. I was surprised but look how it worked out. The day job I had was only temporary. I knew i had to quit that job before school started. If I had not resigned on the DAY I resigned and then I had gotten fired from my restaurant I would not have been eligible for unemployment once I had to quit my day job so I could intern. My intuition was leading me. I trusted it and now I’m okay.
Everything is divine and in order and I am well connected to my highest self. I know it looks crazy and scary, especially to people who follow the beaten path but I’m always ok. I go through things, like I’m going through something right now, but I’m okay most days.
I can handle this life. I mean, maybe it wasn’t meant for me to be in the public eye. I’d like to be able to take care of myself and my sons and drive a car and have a nice home and somehow I know it’s going to happen.
But for now, I just want to continue to live in this euphoria. Many would disagree but that’s okay. I feel like life should be about JOY. I have that now, at least today. I hope I can make it through the night because when the night falls, I tend to get a little scared and start thinking about things that don’t make me feel good like focusing on other people’s fears for me.
I know I’m different and a little weird and crazy, like most people say but shit, that’s Tee. If I’m wrong for being ME then why did God make me this way?
There’s got to be a place out there for me. A career situation that I will want to stay in and prosper. An arrangement that will bring joy to my spirit and allow me to feel free and alive like I feel right now.
It’s coming.