Early Christmas Gift
My homie Ryan sent this to me.
He knows exactly what I need for Christmas!
Thanks Ryan!
Steady Tension
Do you hear that creaking noise?
That’s my neck, my back, my neck and my back.
I am so freaking tense I feel like I’m about to snap. I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t know where I’m going or who I can trust. Why do I know I have so much to give to this world yet I am unable to find a medium to give?
Everyday I catalogue all of the things that I know need improving within myself. I’m not talking about big things like selfishness, greed or pride. I’m talking about the things that seem insignificant to most, things like countenance, tone and keeping my heart pure.
I place way too much pressure on myself. I just never meet my own expectations and that causes me to feel like a failure. Why can’t I be successful at anything? I want to be. I just feel like I never fit. I have began to become more withdrawn. I cringe at the thought of interacting socially because I’m afraid I will say or do something wrong.
I’m a smart chick. I know that. I just don’t know how to check myself. I need to see if my heart is coming across appropriately to others. I’m so…rigid and direct when I deal with people. People look at me like, “Damn Lil Mama…you’re too cute to be so abrasive.”
I don’t know if it’s because I’m only 5’1″ or what. Maybe I have the Napoleon complex. Maybe all of my dreams of success are to compensate for knowing that I was/will never experience true acceptance/love with the exception of my friends. I even fear that my sons will grow to be disgusted by me. One day they will be men too. I want so badly for them to be proud of me that I will die if I have to settle for a regular life.
Ya’ll don’t understand, wherever I go, people love me. It’s been like that all my life. I’m a natural leader because I have confidence and intelligence and I’m creative. I just feel like it’s all so false. I don’t understand why they love me like that. I don’t feel like I deserve it because I haven’t done anything great yet.
I don’t want to hurt anyone because I can’t control my emotions. I also don’t like to lay down and be a patsy for people to walk over either. Where’s the balance in that?
oh Lord, if I don’t get it together I’m gonna develop an ulcer because I worry so much about being a good person and being a good example to others and I never measure up to where I feel I should be.
Lately, my emotions are taking me all over the place. I spent the first couple of weeks after I was let go from my job, all excited and happy about my future. I was so sure that everything was going to be fine. In the back of my mind I feel like that now but…I just don’t see any evidence. I feel like I’m always the one people are worried about. I’m always the one floating. I’m always the one dangling.
As grown as I am-As much as I fuck-As much as I walk around looking jazzy with my makeup on, turning heads and breaking hearts— Right now all I really want is to be held and told it’s going to be alright.
Me sitting here on this floor, typing away hoping to release some of this angst- Me sitting here with all the vision in the world- Me sitting here sincerely wanting to be a blessing to everyone who comes into contact with me- Man I just never measure up to what I should be or what I could be.
I think it’s getting to me that both of my bestfriends are getting married next year and I’m nowhere near that. I don’t know Anna’s fiance that well but we have talked on the phone once or twice and I have told him that I want to love him too and I hope we get a chance to know each other. I just want to trust him to take care of her.
She’s so happy! You should have heard her on the phone with me yesterday squealing, “I got my ring girl!” She texted me a picture of it and I forwarded it to Tamara who said, “That looks just like my engagement ring.”
I ain’t no punk. I know how to delight in the happiness of my friends. I just…don’t know what’s wrong with me right now.
I’m just a fucking square motherfucking peg. I want what they have— with a man. Kim is like my boyfriend now but eventually she’s going to get a man too. She’s too beautiful not to.
Then what will I do? It’s just gonna be me and my stacks of money, book deals and promotional activities.
That will not satisfy me.
Maybe I’ll get a cat.
I would say that I need sex but I just had some with this fine ass tenderoni and it didn’t make me feel any better. It made me feel worse knowing that this tenderoni is going to become a fine ass, successful ass man one day and he will marry a woman similar to his mom who is beautiful, petite and just…womanly –and here I am…just a quick fuck.
What the fuck am I?
Am I just a cute face?
You should see Tamara and her fiance together. Sometimes I want to beat them up. They are just so cool together. He like, takes his time with her. He makes sure to show appreciation for her. He makes sure to tell her she looks good when we go out. He makes sure to remind her that he thinks she is so fine. He recognizes her insecurities and works through them with her.
You know what I hear when I share my insecurities with a man? “Um..I’m not gonna invite you over anymore because if you feel like this then what the hell are you doing here?”
Am I crazy? Yeah.. probably.
Man I’ll be alright. I’m going to see my boys this weekend. I need to see them so badly. At least for right now… I know they won’t care about Mommy’s inconsistencies.
I’m so tired.
I’m going to take a nap. Maybe the knots in my body will go away.
Written While Watching Grey’s Anatomy
(I’m bored)
It’s amazing what 24 hours can do for you. Last night I fixed myself a drink and relaxed while listening to The Quiet Storm channel on yahoo music through my computer. Me sitting cross legged on the berber carpet in a sweatshirt and some scrubs, white socks snugly warm my feet- all the while breathing in and out, exhaling the madness and the mess. It all made sense.
I am not a failure.
I am still young, full of vibrancy and vigor.
God has gifted me.
I will use my gift to help others.
I am a trip.
I’m always going overboard with things.
I know my friends must think I’m crazy.
Maybe I am.
Who was that man in the mirror? Michael Jackson.
Ok. I’ll clear my head and allow only positive vibes to flow from my heart to the rest of my being. I’l sit and sway…. Sit and sway. Flow away bad vibes, flow away bad heart.
You are a star. Even if it’s in your own mind. You have achieved and you will achieve more than you ever dreamed possible. It will manifest. It was not a vision it was a glimpse into the future.
You can rejoice.
I’m at peace now. Whatever will be will be. I am strategically positioned for a miracle and I am expecting one.
All Shiny And New
Guess what I got for Christmas?
I got to wake up in the morning with my sons and watch them open Christmas presents. They’re getting so big. Their spirits were happy. I could tell that they are well taken care of. We were all over the place. We stayed with Tonya and went to see Mimi and her new baby. It was so beautiful sitting there with Mimi and her son. Me and my sons. She and her son. What a very special bond we have. Mimi is no ordinary friend. She’s not one of my “girls”. She ain’t a homie or even a mentor. Mimi is an extraordinary example of what womanhood should be. She doesn’t have a negative quality about her and all that I am, the heart I have to serve and be good, she had a large impact on that. She strives for righteousness in a way that is endearing while I have to constantly remind myself, “Uh..that’s not a good idea girl, get yo mind right.”
So yeah. I love Mimi. We hung out with our boys and talked about how great it is to be a Mom. I made my sons perform their Christmas skits frpm their school plays for her. We all practiced doing the Heisman on dat ho and my boys loved it! They let me cuddle with them. I kissed them 100 times and told them about 400 times that I loved them. Again, those little darlings had me blushing when I came out of the bedroom after getting dressed. Both of my Boo Boo’s stopped in their playing, looked up and smiled when they saw me, “You look so pretty Mama.” I couldn’t believe it! They made me blush. They are always saying sweet things like that to me.
On of our many long rides I had “the talk” with them. I turned my Kanye CD down and all I could hear was the sound of my son’s gameboy buzzing in the backseat as I navigated the highway.
“Boys, I want to talk to you. I want to tell you that Mommy is making another move to be able to take good care of you like I want to. Mommy wants to find the right place to raise you in and I’m thinking about moving to Texas.”
“Texas?”
“Yeah.”
“With the cowboys?”
“That’s what I think they have, but I don’t know I’ve never been there,” I say and laugh. “Houston is the city, Texas is the state.”
“Houston is the city?”
“Texas is the state. Ask your Daddy to show it to you on a map,” I say and sigh. “Just a little while longer boys. Always know that I love you and I’m so happy that your Daddy is taking such good care of you. I love you. You hear me?”
“Yes, Ma’am.”
One thing I must admit is their Daddy did it the smart way. Whereas I was not accepting of the help offered to me, he takes full advantage of his being a single parent and to my understanding he has a full team of support including his girlfriend who lives nearby, my parents who take the kids every few weekends, his Mom who travels down to Miami often and a group of babysitters who rotate so he can go out with his girl or he has to go out of town. He is running that very well.
I’m impressed.
One time I called my boys to chat and a girl answered the phone. I could hear my boys in the background.
“Hello,” She said.
“Hi. I’m Sugarbear and Boo Boo’s Mom, Ms. Tee. How are you?”
“I’m fine.”
“Are you the babysitter?”
“Yes.”
“Are they driving you crazy?”
“Yes! They are just running all around and pushing each other all the time. They won’t sit down!”
I stifle a laugh. My boys wildin! “They can be a handful. Let me speak to Sugarbear.”
“Which one of you is Sugarbear?” She asks loudly and I hear a mad dash for the phone.
On Christmas Day I also got to see my little brother and his family, including my niece. I am an auntie butit doesn’t feel like it. I never get to see her. I wish I could. When they told me her name I almost choked. I couldn’t believe it. They had chosen the name I had all picked out for my little girl; They named her Taryn. That is such a beautiful name. Fit for any female child lucky enough to come out of my body. She’s gonna be so spunky and so good hearted. That name says it all.
Ahh…But they took the name already and I will never allow my child to be a duplicate of anyone I know so it’s back to the drawing board. Wait. Why am I even thinking about any of this? I’m not having anyone’s baby anytime soon. In fact. My mindframe is changing when it comes to men. I’ve done all that, let me show you who I am so that you will love me for me- mess. Now I think it’s time to pour on a little bit of “I don’t give a fuck”. Cuz personally, I don’t give a fuck about none of these men. You come and you go. Let’s have fun while you’re around because I’m not trying to get attached and neither should you.
Point blank. I don’t need you. I don’t want you. You’re here as an accessory to my life only. I ain’t trying to get married. I’ve had my kids already so I’m not yankering to do that. The only thing I haven’t done is PUSH IT TO THE LIMIT.
Let’s see what happens in these final days of preperation for the one way trip.
Getting Ready For Something New
I can’t believe I’m really doing this. I start my part-time job in Houston on January 8th. I’m still looking at other roommates…just in case something better comes along. The whole idea of finding a roommate to live with is smart because I don’t want to get bogged down in a lease in an area I know nothing about. If I rent month to month I can get to know the city better before I make a decision like that.
What do I have to say about Atlanta? You can make money here, if that’s what you want. It’s a great place to raise your family if you already have one. The neighborhoods are beautiful and the people are friendly. People move here in droves and find jobs immediately just like I did. Black people are entrepreneurs here and the vibe is contagious!
The only thing that detracts from the magic of this city is the fact that there are too many gay men living here. For a single, black, heterosexual woman hoping to make a love connection, it’s not a good city to be in. You’re sharing your selection of men with other women AND with other men. Tamara calls me paranoid but maybe this city has made me this way. I really hope it’s not the same way in Houston.
As I get ready to say Goodbye to Atlanta it still doesn’t feel real. I still don’t know how I’m going to make it to Houston but I have nothing to stand on but faith. In one week I’ll be making that drive.
I need all of the love, the hugs and the encouragement I can get before I leave so I invite all of my blog readers and friends in the Atlanta area to join me for dinner on January 3rd. If you are available on that evening and want to wish me well before I move on, I would love to receive your blessing. Please email me and I will send you an e-vite.
Thanks for all of your prayers and positivity as I fumble and try again.
I hope to see you on January 3rd.
Happy New Year to everyone!
New Year’s Toast
It’s about 20 minutes until we ring in the new year and I’m in the guest bedroom at Tamara’s house waiting for the countdown.
Why am I on the computer?
I don’t know. Although there are a nice group of people mingling and drinking in the basement, it feels so…empty for me.
I could have never imagined my life would become the way it is right now. I’m not sure if I’m happy or sad about it. I’m mostly scared. Afraid of the unknown.
I won’t let my fear paralyze me though. I guess I have no other choice in the matter. I have to move forward.
In about a half hour I will make the 25 minute drive back to my shared condo in Vinings and then relax and imagine what my future will become.
It’s been a crazy ass year but it’s been a progressive one.
So here’s a New Year’s toast to progression.
Cheers!
Old Habits
The first day of the new year went off without a hitch. I decided that I would busy myself with showing appreciation to the people who were nice to me while I was here.
As soon as I woke up I went to visit Kym and her boyfriend. We watched movies and hung out for most of the day. When I’m around them I feel so relaxed as though it’s not about anything, not about trying to figure life out, not about the future, not about anything but relaxing. It was a treat to witness the power of their love manifested in a warm smile, soft kisses and a sense of security that even I could feel.
That was nice.
As soon as I left their house I met up with an old co worker of mine in Marietta. She was hanging out with some guys she knew. We all chit chatted and laughed for a couple of hours before I decided to go home. But not before I placed a call to the only man I couldn’t quite figure out during the time I was at the magazine, JB.
Of everyone there, he and I had the most tumultuous relationship. He hated my leadership style and I hated when he would mouth off to me, but at the end of the day I respected his writing skills and that’s what mattered most to me. And..well…there was just something special about him.
And everyone knew it.
“He’s going to be a great husband and father,” someone once told me.
“He’s the most stable one on the writing team,” someone else said.
“JB is the only one in this company that you can really trust,” another co worker told me.
And I believed them because his countenance confirmed it. He was not loud or arrogant or even pushy. And I NEVER caught him checking me out. Not once. That’s impressive in a room full of imaginative, horny men.
I guess his mysteriousness intrigued me coupled with the fact that he was just my type, lean, dark skinned and intelligent.
I know he was surprised to hear from me. I could also tell that he was just as curious to see me as I was to see him. I invited him over but he declined politely saying he would come to my dinner because he had an early morning meeting. I shook it off. At least I tried to make peace with him, even if he didn’t accept it. By the time I reached home and changed into my sweats and a sweat shirt, I got a text message from him: Send me the directions to your place.
Oh, I see he changed his mind.
I texted him the directions and redressed myself. When I saw his name on my caller ID I picked up and he told me that he was pulling up. I went outside to meet him and when he stepped out of his car, my heart stopped.
JB was even more beautiful, more masculine, more tasty than I remembered. He walked toward me with a sly grin. His derby hat tilted slightly to the left.
We walked to my apartment and he showcased his offering: a 6 pack of apple cider. We sat next to each other on the couch in amazement as the TV blasted old jams on the Smooth R&B music channel.
“Does this feel surreal?” he asked me.
“Yes, I feel it too.”
I knew he was referring to the fact that two months ago I was his boss and now we were hanging out together all cozy on the couch. What a change in dynamic especially when we never exchanged words beyond my giving him his assignments. His words broke the ice and we chatted late into the night.
My original plan was to have secks with him, just to prove that I could since he had always seemed so oblivious to my majesty. But…But…I couldn’t. I respected him too much for that. I admired him too much to make him another one of my “fuck him and leave him” conquests.
As I walked him to the door I felt this sick feeling in my heart. I didn’t want him to go.
“Are you going to dissappear on me?” he asked sincerely.
I shook my head.
I said goodbye and sank into the soft pillows of the couch reliving our conversation, our vibe, our first time being real with each other.
I didn’t like the feeling I was experiencing. It felt too much like…like…like some bullshit I didn’t want to deal with. Stop being stupid girl. He’s still one of THEM.
But he’s so…ughhhh…So fine and so nice. Maybe. I don’t know. Maybe he would be nice to me too.
The next day I texted him to say Hi and I asked him if we would see each other before my dinner party.
He texted me back: How about I take you to Sugar Hill tonight to make up for the time I didn’t escort you.
I spent the day going through my clothes, folding them up to be packed away in my car.
My hand reached for a blue sweat shirt and when I picked it up I realized that it was a size 5T. My son’s shirt.
I looked at it and held it to my chest as if somehow it would make me feel closer to him. The tears fell as I slipped the sweat shirt into the pile of clothes to keep. I had packed up some of their clothes when I first made the trip to Atlanta because I thought that they would be coming with me and we would make a new home together. I was wrong.
It’s a good thing they didn’t come with me, right? Imagine me and my boys in this crazy situation. I’m glad they have a father who has stability and can take good care of them.
By nightfall I had developed the sniffles and I took some sinus medicine to clear it up as I pushed piles of sorted clothes to the side and curled up on my blanket on the floor for a quick nap.
My ringing phone woke me and I spoke with young CEO from Houston who was calling to check up on me.
My text chimed: I’ll be there in 10 minutes. It was time for my date with JB.
I quickly hopped up and showered, unable to locate my favorite jeans until moments before he knocked on the door.
I was hella nervous. I mean…it’s one thing to enjoy a night of secks with a man, it is entirely something different to have to sit in public and talk to him knowing that within 24 hours he will have said or done something that will force you to never speak to him again.
I tried to be my usual self but I couldn’t. I kept waiting for the shoe to drop. When is he going to criticize me and tell me how I need to improve? When is he going to look at me in disgust or annoyance the way the other men in my past have?
I managed to shake the fear off for most of the evening and I think we had a good time at Sugar Hill. Sugar Hill is a club in the Underground that showcases live musicians on Tuesday nights and the place was filled with the type of women I liked to be around. Women with creative dress codes and natural hair. Men with long dreads and limber fingers. Creative types. I enjoyed myself immensely and I enjoyed being on his arm. The warmth of his hand gently guiding me as we walked felt…right.
We ended up at the Landmark Diner in Downtown Atlanta and after a nice meal of fried fish and grits, we zoomed back to my side of town.
During a moment of silence I made a decision. I would have to end this quickly. So I prepared to do what I usually do when I want to stop speaking to a man. Sleep with him.
That routine works because I feel empowered. I know that secks is what they want. Shit..I want it too. I know that there is nothing more after that but insults so after I sleep with a man I don’t speak to his ass anymore.
If I have secks with him, I will be justified in my notion that he’s just like everyone else, after one thing. I will give him what he wants so that he will walk away feeling like he conquered me but he didn’t. I pushed him away. We both win in the end.
“Why don’t you put it on that channel that we were listening to last night, the smooth R&B,” he suggested.
I looked at him and sighed, silently wishing that things could be different.
Just one time.
Share My World – Atlanta
I canceled my dinner party.
There we stood in the lobby at Pappadeux, everyone looking cute and happy when the questions started flowing: What are you gonna do in Houston? What are your plans? Where will you live? You don’t have a place yet? What are you going to DO?
These may seem to be ordinary questions to ask someone who is about to move away but my friends should know better. At various moments I have given them detailed updates about that fact that I DONT KNOW WHAT THE FUCK I’M GOING TO DO.
I don’t have a place to live when I get to Houston.
I don’t have money to make the drive there.
I have to be out of my current apartment by 9am tomorrow morning which means I have to find a place to sleep tomorrow night here in Atlanta before I make the mystical drive to Lousiana on Friday.
I have $24.95 in my account right now.
I pretty much need a miracle.
The worst part is.. I’ve been beating myself up time and time again over the uncertainty of the situation but I have made up my mind that I will sleep in my car if necessary.
What else will I do? What else can I do?
I have no home to run back to?
I have no place to go if I fail?
I have failed here in Atlanta and there’s nowhere for me to return to and sulk. I have no choice but to move forward because my past has been washed away.
This is my last post on Share My World-Atlanta. I’m about to pack up my computer along with the rest of my clothes and I’ll literally be living out of my car.
Why?
Some might say it’s because I’m so hot headed and so bold that I can’t keep a job. Some might say I’m too much of a dreamer and I need to sit my ass down and face reality and just…live. Others might say that my dreams are unrealistic and unfitting for a young mother.
But I say… Fuck that.
All I know is that I was destined to help people succeed. It’s all I dream about and all I ever wanted. Just because I can’t seem to grasp success on any job that I hold (or any relationship) doesn’t mean my time isn’t coming. When I get to Houston, I will just do what ever I have to do to take care of myself. I am not afraid of struggle. I don’t anticipate it but I acknowledge it is a strong possibility.
So many others would fall by, shrinking under the criticism and the doubt. I can’t do that. I’m striving to be a champion. I am going to do what I have to do.
I have to say that over and over again because I have to make myself believe it.
Whatever happens, happens, but I have to say that it was really nice sharing with all of you.
As soon as I can touch the internet again, I’ll be back with an update.
If God is willing, I’m going to Houston.
If not, who knows.
For those who have my phone number, it will be turning off next week so I’ll be unreachable until I can get another phone. I’m scared and I’m hurting. I’m feeling unsuccessful and unworthy of God’s help but…I can’t stay here so I have to go…somewhere.
Goodbye Atlanta…
Safe & Sound In Louisiana
Out of the angst and uncertainty surrounding my impending move, the clouds parted and the sunlight commenced to shine through.
Whoever said God is an 11:59 God was right because the morning that I woke up to finish packing up my car and return my key, I had no money and nowhere to go. Then it began to rain blessings in the form of strangers who have heard about my journey and want to support me. Through the kindness of others I was able to get my car serviced, buy gas, snacks and a hotel room the night before I left town. I was even offered a place to stay, in their own home. It really blowed me the fact that people feel connected to me so much that they would invite me into their home.
My heart must shine through.
I will never forget the love Atlanta showed me and I’ll admit, I did cry when I left. During my last week in Atlanta I reached out to a few people who I always thought were nice but that I had hesitated on trying to get to know. I found out that I could have had more friends in Atlanta if I had just shown myself a little more friendly. But I’ll keep in touch with all of them.
One person in particular is JB, my old co worker.
I find it difficult to write about him because (1) I know he reads this. (2) I can not accurately describe this clenching feeling in my heart that won’t go away since I met him.
I try to talk to my friends about it, but it’s hard because it sounds so surreal.
Girl..This man is great. He makes me feel so good all the time. Talking to him is like having good sex. I feel safe when I share with him. I know that he has my best interest at heart. He is so beautiful to me. So talented and mature. And he understands me. He doesn’t talk about changing me. He acts like he won the lottery by meeting me just the way I am! Girl, we are on the same maturity level. That is such a relief. I don’t have to raise him up or lead him anywhere although he does value and respect my opinion.
He’s very expressive and honest so our conversations lack the usual game playing and pretense that happens between a man and a woman who are attracted to other. I don’t have to try to figure out what he meant because he just says what he means. He’s very direct and he is just like me in the fact that he looks at the root of people’s behaviors to try to understand it. Though I feel like I love him and yes, I have told him that- It doesn’t feel like an out of control infatuation, it feels like I just met my new bestfriend.
I can not believe I have finally met a man who treats me just like my friends do. But it happened two days before I was about to leave Atlanta which intensified the emotions surrounding meeting someone who is such a good match for a friendship.
Would things change once I left him behind?
Who knows? So, I jumped on I20 West at 1pm and rode the hell out.
Alabama was pretty. As I rode through, honking at the big ass trucks trying to act like they are Kia’s and shit, changing lanes and shit. I was like, “BITCH YOU SEE ME!!!” I hate those damn trucks! Oh, but Alabama was pretty but I kept thinking about Forrest Gump. ~smile~
When I passed through Mippissipi I felt like I was on a civil rights tour. A lot of shit happened up and through here back in the day and the chill of the day reflected its history. I stopped in Summit, Mississippi to get some gas and that’s it.
I took a left turn in Jackson, Mississippi and hopped on I55 South straight to Hammond, Louisiana where Ms. Wildly Sophisticated herself resides while she is in grad school. Seven hours after I left Atlanta I entered the city of Hammond and called Ruby for further directions.
When I turned into her apartment complex the entire street was dark and their were huge trucks with long arms and bright lights up and down the street. My first reaction was, “What the fuck kind of alien invasion is this?”
The tints on my car are already dark so I can’t see anything in the darkness of the neighborhood. Suddenly a smudge darts into the street.
I brake and look closer. The smudge is jumping up and down and shining two flashlights like an air traffic controller. “Park over there!” It screams. I smile.
Ruby.
Rollin With Ruby
I hopped out of my car and gave my girl a hug. I screamed and hugged her boyfriend Donald. We had gotten acquainted when they stayed with me in Atlanta for Memorial Weekend.
Ruby’s trying to explain why her neighborhood looks like it was invaded but I can’t hear her. It looks like Miami did when the hurricane knocked our power out.
I followed Ruby up a rickety spiral staircase to their apartment. It was completely dark so we left the door open and sat down on the couch with our flashlights. It felt good to sit down on a nice couch after all of that riding. My plan was to come through Lousiana and see Ruby and then drive on to Houston from here but Ruby made the plan even better by offering to drive to Houston with me and stay through the end of the week to be there with me while I figure out what I am going to do.
I have such amazing friends!
Before I could even snap out of my gratitude fantasy I feel a tap on my left arm. Donald is sitting next to me in the dark, “Here you go,” he says and I see a tiny spark float toward my hand.
“Thanks dawg…”
A half hour later we are hungry as hell and Ruby suggests we go to Nacho Mama’s on North Oak Drive. A bitch ate a burrito and was HAPPY LIKE A MUTHA! For real…I feel like they knew I was gonna write about their shit. I give it 4 stars!
By the time we got home the lights turned back on so we sat and watched TV while I talked on the phone with JB’s fine ass.
It seems unreal but for real. Like a missing puzzle piece has been found. I don’t know about all this. It’s as though whatever is going to happen between me and him has already been settled and I don’t have to change anything about myself or do anything to impress him or worry about who he’s seeing or sleeping with. I just know that no matter what happens between him and I, we are still going to be friends. Just like me and Tamara.
There’s no problem we could ever have that I woudn’t strive to work out.
On Saturday I spent the entire day recovering from my trip. Donald and I surprised Ruby by going to see her at work for lunch and later we all got dressed to spend the evening in New Orleans on Bourbon street. A quick call to a blog friend in the area and we decided to meet up at Cafe Dumond where I tasted my first beignet. I had two actually. Delicious! I also had a cup of the most frothy hot chocolate that I have ever experienced.
The service at Cafe Dumond was interesting to say the least. We actually had to interrupt our waitress as she sat on a chair licking her fingers and counting her money. She was into it. She had her foot up on the chair next to her.
“Excuse me? Do you know who our waitress is?” Donald asked her.
She looked up and rolled her eye, “Ain’t nobody help ya’ll?”
“No, Ma’am.”
She shifted, rose and stretched before walking over to our table and shifting all of her weight on one foot as she asked, “Can I help you?” She then commenced to picking her nails.
We went through our orders pretty quickly; 2 hot chocolates 1 orange juice and 3 orders of beignets. But by the time the last person ordered we all fell silent because we realized that we were intruding on a private moment between our waitress and the roots of her hair.
As this doughboy shaped woman flipped half of her long black braids over to one side and worked her fingers intricately in the roots of her hair to detangle her new growth, we all watched silently as to not disturb the magic of the moment.
When she walked away, my blogger friend said to me, “That’s New Orleans customer service.”
After our beignets we walked down the famous Bourbon street where I was taken to the first bar we saw. “A hand grenade for her,” he told the bartender who handed me a green plastic cup with a grenade shape at the base of a long neck.
I tasted it. It tastes like a lemonade slushy. There was a plastic, red hand grenade sitting on the top of the long, frozen drink.
“They say by the time that red grenade hits the bottom of that cup, you should be fucked up.”
Hmm… Really?
Tastes like a lemonade frosty to me.
Let’s get it!
It was raining for part of the night so the streets weren’t too packed but there were people everywhere hangung out of clubs and on the streets drinking and singing and laughing. I felt like I was in another world. You know how it looks on TV? It looks just like that. It looks like a hang out spot though. Lots of young people there, some tourists like myself. It was foggy so I didn’t get a good look at New Orleans but I did travel the same roads that we saw those people were stuck on after the hurricane.
We ended up at this club called Utopia and we danced until Ruby had to take away my drink. I never saw the grenade hit the bottom. There was this one chick there. Man…She had a nice body. I don’t know why but I just appreciate a woman who has a nice body. So I went up to her and danced with her. She danced with me too. And then I walked away.
~smile~
I remember being on the floor of the bathroom in a bar in the French Quarter holding my head in one hand and my phone in the other. I was talking to JB.
And then we were back in Hammond. The fog is so heavy at night in New Orleans, I hope I get a chance to visit again before I leave here.
Now I’m sitting on Ruby’s new couches with her boyfriend, once again my home girl is at work. Ruby will always keep a job or multiple jobs. She has that strong work ethic. She owns a shirt that says, “daughter of a field negro; the struggle continues” and I believe it is fitting because she is not afraid of work.
I’ve met their friends and family and I’m about to go and meet Serenity23 in Baton Rouge. Serenity has promised to cook a good meal for me and I am so excited because I LOVE to eat and I can’t wait to see what Louisiana foods she is going to prepare as she blesses me.