Author: TPatterson

Peace

I am transformed by the beauty of today.

The temperature is just right. The breeze feels nice. As it tickles my neck I feel shivers. I walk outside and I am embraced by clear blue skies. The palm trees wave hello to me. The cars zooming by mirror my racing heart as I give thanks to God for this season.

The peace of today is a replica of the peace in my soul. I am elated to see my sons growing into wonderful little boys who love each other and their mother. I am grateful for the opportunities that have presented themselves and the excitement of opportunities to come.

I am blessed by each person I am fortunate enough to encounter. Each spirit leaves behind a gift for my heart. God is joining me to those individuals He has predestined to play a role in my success. And my success plays a role in their success. We need each other. We heal each other. I thank Him for showing people in their true light so that I can step away from those with ill intentions and cling to those of pure heart.

Thank you Lord, for this beautiful day. The peace it brings replenishes me. Now I can move forward and give more. I can be more of a blessing to others because I have rested and found peace.

Peace.

Rejection

Lately my thoughts have been quite predictable.

I’m either celebrating my impending success or grabbing hold of a new opportunity to bring success closer.

It’s like an animal that has overtaken me. The burning desire moves my mind and shakes my heart and everyday I wonder, “Is today the day?”

I must get on people’s nerves by now. I can’t have a decent conversation without bringing up goal setting and visions. I sometimes annoy myself. When can I rest and just…be?

But I can’t. I feel as though my success is only a breath away. I dream about it more than single women dream of their wedding day. Sometimes I wonder if something is wrong with me. Why do I believe such a weighted vision to be mine? Why am I praising God right now for things that don’t even seem to be happening anytime soon? Why do I wake up excited and happy as I remind myself and my sons of the goals I have set which will become a reality?

I keep hearing snippets from Kanye’s Late Registration during my thought process. “If I could just get one hit off Hova, we could get up off this cheap ass sofa!” That’s how I FEEL! If I could just get one damn book deal, I could take myself to lunch!

I was excited last week because my stalking paid off and I was given the email address of the editor of AOL Black Voices. I sent him a note introducing myself and he wrote back:

Ms. Tee: We have a roster of established writers from which we select, and as such we don’t regular entertain unknown talent. But if you want to, you can send me a resume and a couple of writing samples. Thanks.

So you know I jumped on it and sent them to him within HOURS of his request. I gave him two days before I called to follow up on my email and introduce myself by phone. He answered his phone! I almost dropped mine! He promised to look at my samples and get back with me the following week.

I was antsy all day today. My plan was to call him at 2pm and seal the deal. All weekend I had outlined the many feature stories I would write for BlackVoices. I came up with so many outstanding ideas on ways I could blow his mind and educate and empower the Black readership!

But after speaking to him, my heart had lost it’s excitement.

“We’re not looking to hire anyone right now.”

“Is there anything I can do?”

“No, there isn’t.”

“Thank you for your time.”

Rejected.

Oh well, I laughed to myself. I guess I got my Kanye testimony down…

“A&R looking like damn we messed up…”
He’s gonna regret not giving me a chance.

You know what? That’s okay.

It just wasn’t a part of the plan.

Love Feels Like

Sylvia emailed me today.

She was gushing about how much she loved her boyfriend Chris.

I replied with a request.

Tell me how it feels to be loved…Describe it.

She wrote back:

It’s hard to describe. It’s really a whole lot of little things that add up to me feeling the love. For instance, when I’m at work, I really want to go home to just hang out with him. Or when we’re lying in the bed, watching tv, sometimes I get an urge to hug him or cuddle because I remember that he’s right there & he always responds back with the same emotions. Or when we were in the drive-thru at Wendy’s & I told him how the last time I came here by myself, the guy behind the counter was really rude to me & he says “He better not try my girl with that f**** s*** or else I’ll kick his a**!” Or like last night, we can’t afford to eat out, but I got stuck in traffic for an hour & didn’t feel like cooking so he says without me asking “I’ll cook the pork chops for you.” He’s affectionate, he wants me to have his baby, he cleans & cooks, he’s considerate of my feelings, he works overtime to try to compensate for his mistakes & I trust him with my life. To me, all that shows the love between us.

I could feel the warmth from this reply and it nearly brought me to tears. Sylvia’s description of love was joyous to her and just what she needed. For as long as I’ve known her she has emphatically hoped for one thing; a family.

She’s well on her way. God has truly blessed.

See, He DOES give you the desires of your heart.

He’s Taken

I was talking to my friend tonight and she mentioned that she was about to go out to dinner.

“Who are you going with?”

~giggle~ “You know…”

“THAT MARRIED MAN?”

“Girl, he is NOT married!”

“Basically he is. He LIVES with his girlfriend. DANG! How you gonna be like that?”

“Oh girl, stop it! You know we are not doing anything. I just haven’t seen him in a long time. Since February.”

“I don’t give a DAMMNN! He got a lady!”

“Like you never did it? What about Joe?”

“HEY! Joe is with his girl, he has a brand new baby and I have let that go. I don’t call him. I don’t disturb his family. Besides I’ve known Joe since I was 12, you just met this dude. He can’t be THAT important where you would be the slimy chick on the side.”

“I’m not the chick on the side. We’re just friends. We vibe like that.”

“Whatever! You trifling. Think about his girl, she at home thinking her man out running to Walmart and he is meeting up with you buying you meals telling you how much he like you and blah blah blah… Damn. I feel her pain already. Come on chick! Ask yourself, ‘Would you want your man to do that with someone else?'”

“Girl….”

“Damn. That’s messed up. You doing wrong and you KNOW it. Do me a favor, if you want to talk about this subject, do it with someone else, because that really lessens your integrity. If you gotta sneak to do it, it’s wrong. I don’t know why that doesn’t mean anything to people these days.”

“Aww here you go!”

“Shut up! I have confessed and repented and turned away from my wicked ways. I’m trying to do things the right way. All that craziness in my past didn’t do me any good. I want to see what’s going to happen if I do right.”

~sadly~ “Girl, let me call him and tell him not to come…”

“Naw, don’t do that. Do your thang, Ma. If you don’t believe you are doing wrong, don’t let me sway you. But you know.. I think we are too old for this….”

Now I have definately had my fun, FUN time as the chick on the side. ~sigh~ I’ll never forget him. Dude was pretty damn tight and all I needed was a friend. I just had my first son. I was ready to get over my Baby Daddy and I needed someone new.

I ran into him at a friend’s house and as soon as we peeped each other, I knew it was gonna be on. He walked me home and we exchanged numbers. A week later he was back, looking nervous but sexy as hell.

I smiled and laughed at him as we sat together on my living room floor. He bit his lip and moved closer to me, looking deep into my eyes. I leaned forward too and smiled.

“So tell me something,” I asked him in a whisperm then I paused for effect. “You got a girlfriend?”

He shot straight up, standing on his feet, straightening his clothes. He looked sooo uncomfortable.

“Well, uh… Well.. I… uh… well… something like that.”

I laughed a little bit and motioned for him to sit down. “Look, I just wanted you to know that I know what I’m getting into.”

Things went on for quite a while. As expected I started to like him so I had to let our relationship dwindle away. How could I ever be attracted to someone who so blatantly disrespects his girlfriend, no matter how sweet he was to me?

After all this time I still think about him with fond memories but I know that I am past that point of confusion.

Little girls play the role of chick on the side
Grown women sleep alone until their time
I need not share someone else’s man
Snatching up leftovers whenever I can
What makes me so much worse than the main chick?
She’s standing by your side
I’m being your bitch
Yeah I can flip it and act like I’m getting mine
But the truth I can’t hide
I’m really dieing inside
Cuz what kind of woman
Seperates her body from her heart
Physically it’s impossible
Not just anatomical
God made it implausible
Heart, body and soul
Inseperable
They need protection so
Guard them with your life
They are your lifeline
You don’t have to be #2
When God made you divine
Support your sister
Check her motives
Don’t hurt each other
We’re not in competition
These men are our brothers
Don’t give them the opportunity
To step outside
If we say No, then they’ll have to walk the straight line
We’re pulling them on leashes
And then calling them dogs
We’re the trainers
They’re sniffing at us
But they’re not a lost cause
You never know
It could be you sending your man to Walmart
And he’s off sipping sodas
With some chick in the park
He tells you he loves you
But he gave her his heart
He comes home
Smiling
With a faint aroma
You frown and ask
What’s her name?
And he answers
Karma

Without the Make Up

Sometimes I get nervous because I’m not the most rigid Christian, quoting scriptures and trying to lay a guilt trip on people so that they will serve Christ. I don’t have a church home (yet) and I’ve never even served on the usher board.

I know that society will not look at me as a MODEL of Christianity. But honestly, I am not interested in presenting a certain image. I am more interested in defining my own relationship with God and learning to be happy with the woman He made.

This sometimes scares me because I believe that most people need structure and guidelines to go by in order to gauge their success and satisfaction in life. Sadly, when they follow all the rules people have set before them they still feel empty inside.

Somehow I am led to create my own guidelines in my relationship with God. I leave all of their expectations on the outside of my door.

It scares me to have these kind of thoughts because it would be so much easier, like it was at my old church, to let someone else tell me what I should think and how I should act in order to please God. It’s easier to follow the crowd.

Being your own person takes a special kind of strength.I’m nervous, but I know I have that. I’m defining my own path and raising my sons to love God, appreciate others and be a blessing to each other. I’m not against anyone loving God how they want to love Him. I won’t condemn you because you don’t believe what I believe. I’d rather love you like God does.

I won’t apologize for how I live and how I relate to God. I won’t allow anyone to try to make me feel like I’m not doing enough or being “Christian” enough.

I am me.

Plain and beautifully.

And I know God appreciates the plain face without all the makeup.

Uhhh! One Mo ‘Gin!

Uh, uh, uh! ~drop~

Uh, uh, uh! ~shake~

Get it on NAH!!! ~pop~

Get it on NAH! ~pop~

GO GET EM! GO GET EM!

GO GATORS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Out of The Boondocks

I watched an episode of the cartoon show Boondocks on Cartoon Network last night. It was my first time seeing the controversial show although I had read so much about it.

I’m not sure if it was the excitement of the night air or the genius of the writers but I was caught up in this show. At one point, Huey’s teacher offered him complete creative control over the production of his school’s Christmas play. Huey couldn’t believe it at first but when he realized that his teacher was serious, he transformed into a man of business as he set out to make his vision plain with NO inhibitions and no limits.

How powerful this part of the episode was to me!

Imagine if someone walked up to me right now and said, “It’s time to make your vision known to the world. You can spare no expense and do all that is in your heart to do. Go ahead. You have complete control.”

I would first stop, drop and do the doo-doo brown! Ugh! GET IT!

Then I’d cry with happiness and call all of my friends.

Then no one would see me for the next few weeks because I would spend all of my time fine tuning my plans in preparation to carry out my vision. My heart would cry out in joy.

I am ready to step out onto center stage. I have planned and pre-planned and prayed. I will not fail. I will not mess up my chance to show the world what I can do.

All I need is one mic. All I need is one chance. All I need is one moment of clarity as I see the green lights stay solid up and down the avenues.

If your chance came today, would you be ready? If you were offered the opportunity TODAY to accomplish all that is in your heart to accomplish, would you shrink away because you are not prepared or would you go forth full steam ahead armed with the years of knowledge you have acquired in preparation for this very moment.

If you’re not ready, GET READY!

Your time may come sooner than you expect.

Never Again
On Wednesday afternoon the 5th of April, at two minutes and three seconds after 1:00 pm, the time and date will be 01:02:03 04/05/06.

Make a wish!

What If?

I tagged myself from DJ Diva.

If you were to be the opposite sex for one day, what would you do?

I would have to see what it feels like to have sex, masterbate and I would see what kind of game I have with the ladies.

If you had to name the most difficult thing about being a teenager today, what would you say?

Accepting and appreciating yourself. Realizing that today is just a tiny part of your destiny and everything is not that serious.

If you had to name the most embarrassing moment of your life, when was it?

I was in the barber shop getting my haircut and all of the men were talking about fine women. They brought up my personal favorite Lisa Raye and I enthusiastically shouted, “Damn she fine!” Everyone stopped and looked at me. I shrunk into the tiniest of rain drops and evaporated.

If you had to name the most overrated actor in Hollywood, who would it be?

None. I respect them all and their ability to go get that money!

If you had to name the one personality trait that you have tried the hardest to change in yourself, what would you say?

I expect everyone to love me as much as I love myself. When it doesn’t happen I am bewildered because I think I’m great! I realized that everyone isn’t for you and those who hate on you are really saying they hate themselves because they know they could never be you.

If you could go back for one minute to the Garden of Eden and give Adam advice, what would you say?

Be a Man! DAMN! Ya’ll let these chicks run ya’ll! ~shakes head~

If you were to name the best “I told you so”you ever got to deliver, what was it?

I never say that. I don’t get pleasure out of other people’s misfortune.

If you were Madonna, what would you do for your next publicity stunt?

Fake my death.

If you could have a lifetime 50 percent discount in any single store at your local mall, which store would it be in?

Target!

If you could have one more pet, what kind would you get, and what would you name it?

I have never had a pet and don’t desire one. I have enough mouths to feed and toys to pick up.

If you could have God perform one miracle today, what would you want it to be?

Fastforward to His perfect paradise and everlasting life with Jesus. That would be magnificent.

If you could spend next New Year’s Eve doing anything, what would you do, and with whom?

I have never celebrated New Years in a special way. I’d love to get engaged on New Years to a handsome, God fearing man who is as ambitious and loving as I am. We’d spend the next hour praising God for blessing us both!

If you were to set your country’s immigration policy, what would it be?

Be fair about it. If you’re letting the Cubans swim in, give the Haitians the same opprotunity.

If you were given the power to settle the issue of gays in the military, what policy would you set?

What is the issue? Sexual preference should have no affect on job performance. I don’t know why people make a big deal out of it. If the person doesn’t perform, then fire them. Who they sleep with on their personal time is of no concern to me.

Name one person you have lost touch with call you up tonight and invite you to dinner, who would you want it to be?

My bestfriend Anna.

If you could change one thing about your love life, what would it be?

Hmm…I’d have one.

If you could have prevented one book from ever having been written, which book would it be?

None. If you have something to say, I won’t hate, SAY IT!

If you have to name the best music album ever recorded, which would you select?

The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill

I Know That He Exists

That’s because I’ve already met him.

All those years of crafting the ideal man in my mind have surprised me by appearing before my eyes. His name is B. He’s younger of course, an import from New Orleans. I met him over a month ago. I was chillin when I saw him with a silly grin on his face. I walked over and said Hi, he smiled. I smiled too. No attraction, no butterflies just two individuals wasting time before the main event.

He slid me his business card, I didn’t pause just threw it in my bag and rolled on. But on the next business day I shot a quick note so say Hey. How you doing? Nice to meet you. What’s up with you? Did you enjoy the luncheon where I met you?

A quick reply, he said Hi. Nice to meet you too. It was very nice meeting so many professionals, that’s where I’m trying to go. That’s who I’m trying to be. I just graduated from college and I’m trying to make it! I wanna live lovely, sip bubbly by the sea. But first I’m getting my head right, being fed right. From Proverbs to Think & Grow Rich, that’s where my head is right, now I’m moving on to a higher level. I gotta get that paper but the basis is this yo, I know that every good and perfect gift comes from God. I’m trying to live hard, the Christ way, it’s my heart.

Oh, is that so? I got something for ya. I slid him some of my words, you already heard but he ain’t know. Take a look at this line. Peep the scheme of this rhyme. Every positive affirmation is my lifeline. I got dreams and visions of living a lavish life and everyone who knows me knows the basis is Christ. God gave me this gift, this desire to inspire. Everyday I use the written word to try to push others higher. You like Proverbs? Think and Grow Rich? Man, that stuff is so good for you. You’re into the same type of writing that I hope to mass produce. This is nice meeting a guy who is on the same page. Answer this. Have you set your vision for today?

The vision has been set and I’m on the right path. I want to dibble and dabble until my whole life has past. I have so many interests, I’m waiting on God to see what to do. I like to call myself a “ubiquitous businessman”, I know it’s going to come true.

Weeks and weeks past and we’re still emailing solely. He lives right here in Miami. South of US1. I’m just a 20 minute ride away, if he wanted to meet and have some fun. But dude is content with emailing me. We exchanged numbers, a few texts but not a single attempt to call me.

Our hearts are the same. We hope to inspire others and help them change their lives in the best way. We almost had a heart attack when we found out we were born on the same day.

Twin spirits, same direction, same path. It’s so hard not to get emotional when what I’ve been praying for appears at last. But we ain’t going nowhere. He’s not interested in me. At least he doesn’t show it like the rest of those guys. No surprise the first time in life a man meets all of my standards, dude doesn’t think of me, doesn’t see me. All he wants from me is friendship, no booty.

It’s crazy I’ve toyed with cutting him off, gotta protect my heart, but his heart is so brilliant. I’d rather just be his friend than have absolutely nothing at all. Whoever snags him will be one lucky bitch. I hate this shit but I’d rather see him happy than succumb to my wish.

I got this other dude in my ear whispering things that I like. I’m digging you. You’re beautiful. No girlfriend though, if I had one she’d be just like you. I look over at him and smile, he’s a cool ass cat. Cutie, professional, nice booty to match.

But I promise it must be a habit. To much I just can’t handle it. He reminds me so much of my baby daddy, geesh! Sometimes I can’t stand it. All those things I loved about him when we first met. How his eyes used to glaze over when he looked at me. How he would kiss my skin so lovingly. He adored me. And so does this dude. I’m looking close for the signs to let me know he’s an abuser. There are none, yet. Am I being unfair? I’m on guard, super tense, ready to sock it to’em. But we chill some. And I like him, yes. It’s just…

On the back end of laughing, huffing and puffing, my thoughts consistently turn to B who I know ain’t thinking about me.

No dilemma, I’m poised to win. I know it! I won’t settle for 2nd best when God already showed me that there is a man on this earth who matches my drive. Maybe there will be another who will be feeling me this time.

I’m okay. Not sad. Just had to release.

I trust that God has the very best and He will present him to me.