Author: TPatterson

It’s a Spirit Thang

I have to be careful because if I don’t catch myself I’ll end up losing focus.

I don’t watch much TV but when I get stuck on E!, VH1, MTV2 or anything celebrity related I feel like I’m being hypnotized.

I’m definately one of the millions of regular folks who are all caught up in the lives of celebrities. I don’t really have a favorite blog anymore but it’s a rare day that I don’t make the time to click on Crunk & Disorderly to see what kind of comments she makes about urban celebrities.

Did ya’ll read when she wrote that Ashanti was the “broke man’s Beyonce”? LMAO! HELL NAW!!! That was too funny!

My own little sister visits my blog everyday but she doesn’t read a word I have to say. She only comes to click the link to visit Fresh. ~smirk~ No support, I tell ya!

I had to force myself to turn the TV off just now. If I watch the Grammy ‘Green’ Carpet special one more time I’ll be able to recite all of the celebrity responses. Ofcourse I half-watched the Grammy’s. Ofcourse I was disappointed that Kanye didn’t win all of them but no one who is expected to win, ever wins. It’s always like that.

I did catch him on the ‘Green’ Carpet with his ~cough~ girlfriend Brooke. Hmmm.. She aiight.

Ok, she’s beautiful. As my friend Ernest put it when he called me immediately afterwards, “She’s fine as hell!” Ok, damn! She looks good! So?!

Anyway. Did ya’ll catch the fact that when asked, “When did you two meet?” She answered, “2004” Hollup. That wasn’t even 15 months ago. Ya’ll just met. I’m pretty sure I remember seeing her when they came to Miami for his concert. She was on the same row as his Mama. But that chick got up in the middle of the show and walked out while he was performing.

I wouldn’t do you like that Kanye. I’d support you. ~smile~

It’s so funny because most people hear me talk about Kanye and think I’m a fanatic. I don’t really know how to respond to that except, fanatics know EVERYTHING about their object of adoration. I decided I liked Kanye before I even heard Late Registration. I hadn’t even heard all of his first CD either. I was so drawn to Kanye because of his spirit. I think the thing that draws anyone to someone else is more than physical, it’s spiritual.

But ofcourse those who would dare to even make a negative comment about the fact that I admire someone may be a weeee bit jealous because I don’t look at them in the same way.

Hmm? Maybe.

Otherwise why would you even try to tear down a positive image in my life? How does it hurt me to think he’s great? Why is it a bad thing that he inspires me to actually GO for my goals? Is it damaging to my relationship with God? Is it causing me not to take care of my children? If not, then if you’re truly a friend, celebrate with me and send me those Kanye alerts I’ve been asking for, (and receiving- THANKS!!!)

If I can be allowed any small amount of pleasure, wouldn’t you want to be involved in that? Why ruin it for me by trying to tear him down in my eyes? Would that give you pleasure to have me realize that he’s not all I thought he was? Would that make you smile? Just a thought.

My fantasy for Kanye is much more spectacular than anyone could predict.

Imagine me as a bug in Kanye’s ear, Whispering the words to incite him to a greatness he has never even thought to imagine. He says his goal is to make “good music” but I could be the driving force behind him to help him become even much more than that. He has all of the tools and so much potential, I think he needs a little direction and someone who genuinely sees something in him and could paint the picture and help develop a strategy. It’s not all about being famous or making millions. If there was ever any hope to improve our everyday lives and restructure misguided thought patterns we need a medium to help guide us toward that. The ministry of music has proven itself to a be a powerful one.

The words we sing resonate in our souls. The lyrics of our favorite songs become our mantras. Imagine what the song, ‘Touch the Sky’ has done to my spirit. Imagine how you feel when you hear a good gospel song. It’s no longer a voice and words over a few instruments. Our hopes are aligned with the music we love. Using music as a segway to affect thought, Kanye could possibly plant positive seeds of hope and prosperity into the lives of millions. I wonder if he has any idea where he could be?

He reminds me of Tupac. I loved Tupac. I always thought Tupac would be someone who would one day change the way the world thinks and affect the lives of Blacks everywhere. I was devastated when his life was cut short and I am one of the ghetto ones who believes, ~whispering~ He’s not dead.

Even when Tupac was being, ‘bad’ we all knew that he was rebelling against the fiber inside of him that was destined to become a voice for the masses. When he spoke, we listened. When he spit, we rhymed along.

Yeah, it’s fun to see the people who seem to be perfect walk through the crowds, smile and pose. We love to hear about what designers they are wearing as they show off their perfect bodies. I love what The Heiress wrote on her blog a while back saying something like, Celebrities are just people like us who have more of a drive to be rich.

People like us.

Yes, people like you and me. But somewhere along the line they stopped believing what others said about them and saw themselves as wonderful. They ignored their cousin or brother who told them it couldn’t happen and they decided to try for themselves and see.

And look what happened.

And look what happened.

Everyone should be so in love with themselves that they believe they can have exactly the lifestyle they want.

They should believe they can have exactly the kind of mate they want.

They should believe they can have exactly the type of future you want.

Why not?

What are dreams except a subconcious desire for our unmanifested destiny.

For some reason you keep dreaming of a certain type of house. You look at your check stub and think, “ain’t no way.” But the dream won’t go away. The dream won’t go away because the house is yours. You’re seeing into your future but most of us are too lazy to do what we need to do to touch that dream and make it a reality.

If you can dream it, it’s yours.

If it’s apart of your imagination, then it’s tangible.

Really. It really is.

Why can’t you have the FINE but humble, affectionate and successful man of God that you desire? Why should you settle for less when people tell you you’re setting your sights too high or that God won’t give you exactly what you desire so you should be happy with what you get.

“Girl, he on drugs but, he say he love the Lord and he sholl do treat me good. I know God blessed me with him and just wants us to struggle a little at first. He’ll get a job one day. God will make a way.”

~raises eyebrow~ Chick, leave that dude alone until he gets himself together. Ain’t no way the God I love is gonna set me up with some dude I have to take care of. Why would He do that?

“It doesn’t matter what you THINK you want, God knows best, Ms. Tee. Be open to accept whatever God has, even if it’s not the kind of man you think you want. Besides, I think the greatest gift is LOVE not all the other credentials you’re hoping for.”

~raises eyebrow~Tell me something, why does it make you upset that I would want more from a man than just a back rub and a warm Sunday dinner? If that’s what will make you happy- SO BE IT. Love is important but it’s not all I need. If you can’t provide, your ass can RIDE! I want more than that and I don’t see anything wrong with asking MY FATHER GOD for it. Why do we feel we have to be bashful when we approach God with a request?

I go boldy before His throne and ask for healing, a good relationship with my sons, wisdom to use the gift He gave me for His glory and one day, a helluva man!

“Girl, you’re asking for too much.”

Do I have to remind you that people who say things like that are not really your friends? What friend wants you to settle for mediocrity just because they did and WILL continue to do so for the rest of their lives?

Child please! I tell you I do not have ONE close friend near me that would EVER tell me I’m dreaming too big. I have some friends who believe IN me, but my closest, BESTEST homegirls are dreaming WITH me. We’re all trying to figure out a way that we can work together towards lavish lifestyles while being in right standing with God and maintaining (or pursuing) our integrity.

Those are the type of people I have around me.

What kind of friends do you have?

Well, I’ve been sick for the past two days and I this is the first thing I’ve written in all that time so excuse my jumbled thoughts.

A word of caution. Be careful of those who speak into your life. Everyone who smiles and laughs with you ain’t really your friend.

She’s A Weirdo

I want to go to sleep but I can’t.

Which is pretty wild since I did not take a nap today and I’ve been on my feet all day long getting my house together and my self together for my new job which starts on Monday.

I’ll admit I’m a little nervous. Not because I don’t think I’ll do well. But because I have noticed this pattern that takes place on every job I take. I’m trying to figure out how to be different without compromising who I am too much.

I know I may never be the chick who advances up the corporate ranks because honestly that’s not a desire of mine. I don’t plan to retire from anyone’s job. I don’t plan to become a senior executive or run the company one day. I really don’t desire to stay in any job too long that I become bored with it. I want to move and learn more and grow. If one company has the opportunity for me to do that then I’ll stay but being in a position that requires a repetitive chore will not be enough for me at any time in my life.

I hope this company will teach me a lot. I hope this company has brilliant professionals who won’t be threatened by my eagerness to learn and excel. See, that’s my problem. Whenever I start a new job the people there are often threatened by me.

I’m not making this up. It’s not in my mind. I’ve had two co-workers on two different jobs talk to me about how they weren’t “threatened” by my presence because they know that they are good workers. This pretty much let me know that it had crossed their minds even though I tried to assure them that all I want to do is be a good servant and learn as much as I can.

But if you walk into any situation with confidence and you are well spoken and talented, you’d better believe that there will be people there who will dislike you immediately. Let’s not even mention the fact that I’m attractive. Shake your heads if you want to. Laugh if you must, but this doesn’t always work in my favor. Sure studies have shown that attractive people get jobs more easily than unattractive people but when it comes to dealing with co-workers, the insecure ones always want to double hate on you. ESPECIALLY when you do something well.

I rememeber when I worked customer service for that company last year. While I was still in training I would get customers who asked to speak to my supervisor to tell them what a great job I did. Usually when a rep gets a praise report from a caller the supervisor stands up and announces it to the whole office and everyone claps. When I got mine all you heard was *crickets*.

At the newspaper after I pulled off organizing and hosting the job fair I was so proud. How about one of my co-workers stood up and announced to everyone, (towards the end of the fair with applicants still in the lobby), “She think she doing something but she ain’t been here but a hot minute and nobody don’t listen to her!”

I was stunned.

If all I do is be my cheerful, fun, hard working self why does that make you so angry?

I’m told at my new job there are incentives offered for good work. ~shakes head~ I know I’m gonna win. How sad that I kinda feel like I should try not to win.

I really hate that I can’t just be myself because people take that as being a show off and being a kiss up. I like to compete. I like to win even more. But if you win too much no one likes you. They start being rude to you. If you dress too nicely people start to talk shit about you. Because I try to look nice and I’m vibrant and positive, people look at me like something is wrong with me.

Ugh. Why is she so happy?!

When I try to tone my personality down and not be so… me, I feel like I’m cheating myself. I don’t know why God made me so loud and rowdy and boisterous. I don’t know why I’m so encouraging and inspirational and confident. I don’t know why I’m so bubbly and excited by small things. Little things inspire me. Little things make me happy. I appreciate every little thing someone does for me.

What’s so wrong with that?

Lord, let me stop worrying so much about how other people will react to my personality. If they can’t handle me I can’t do anything about that. I just hope that this made-for-TV personality will end up where it belongs.

Chin Check

This is exactly what I’m gonna look like if I don’t get some damn electrolisis!

These damn chin hairs just won’t go away!

It’s so frustrating every morning having to pluck and tweeze and snip these black ass wires. Why is this hair so tough?! It never stops growing.

I’m too light skinned for this mess.

It lowers my stock by about 10 points man.

This is ridiculous.

Damn.

First Day At Work

If you wanna hear about my first day at work, you have to check my audioblog. I’m so happy! I’ll give all the details in writing later but I’m too busy telling the same story over and over again to the JILLION people calling me to find out how my day went.

I feel so LOVED!

Happy Valentines Day Everyone!!!

Livin Off The Wall

On Monday morning I began my day by reading this message:

Excel and Propel
The dawn of a new era is upon us! We’re setting sail and off on an incredible journey for God’s glory. Do join us- in spirit and in truth- and let’s experience the difference of a lifetime filled with adventure and joy! It’s time to excel in all we do and propel to the next level with God’s grace, power and might leading us along the way. As you celebrate Valentine’s, let your heartfelt appreciation and gratitude be not only to each other, but to God for His favor and unselfish love to us. Thanks and enjoy your week. With Happy Hugs and Warm Hearts, B.M.

No, this message didn’t come from one of my inspirational books or an email forward. This message was at the top of our weekly production schedule at work. The president of our company wrote this to us.

I was just as shocked as you are. It made my heart smile to read this. I was even more blowed by the fact that before we started our weekly staff meeting she led us in prayer. She being a beautiful, successful, Black woman of God who has turned a simple dream into a multi-level business that is cutting edge. Her reputation in the community and the nation is as sweet as a freshly picked mango.

I’ll admit, I had my reservations about her. It seemed to be deja vu all over again when i walked in to her office for the first time. Here I was again meeting with the head of a Black owned company. The female owner was promising me that if I proved myself after the first 3 months I could choose any position I liked and I could negotiate a better salary. Hmm. I had heard that before. Remember the Miami Times? Yeah. She never delivered on her promise and cussed me out after I had just worked my ass off planning and executing a job fair for the company.

But I had to let that go. I can’t expect to receive a full blessing if I’m still holding on to the past.

This week has been remarkable. Guess what? I write and create for a living.

For real. That’s what I do. When clients sign the contract we take care of their marketing needs. This week I wrote copy (wording) for a client who has a consulting business but she doesn’t have any literature to give to potential clients. She doesn’t have business cards or letterhead either. In 45 minutes I wrote her a brochure explaining her business and by the end of the day my copy was sent to Creative Services to be laid out onto an originally designed brochure with original artwork and logo.

I also wrote a media advisory for the National Traffic and Safety something or other. I basically had to encourage African Americans to buckle up for safety. We handle local and national marketing accounts, but our niche is targeting the Black community.

It’s a big beautiful building. It has been newly renovated with state of the art equipment. The first floor is a big open space with cubicles. My cubicle is about 6 feet wide and 8 feet long. The walls are about 5 feet high, and I’m 5’1″ so I can’t really see over them.

There’s a mixed crowd in the Communications Department where I work. There are whites, Blacks and Hispanic people and we all have different talents. The thing we all seem to have in common is a pleasant attitude. I’ve never seen so many people who just, are cool with each other.

Everyone pretty much works on their own. The projects are divided up with everyone taking a part. I may do the letter to the editor and the media advisory. Someone else does the PSA and the faith based letter, while others take their part.

The key word around our office is accountability. Every morning by 10am we all have to email our daily to-do list to the President of the company so she has a record of the projects we are working on. At the end of the day, we have to log on to our intranet system and log in all of our activities for the day. We have to account for EVERY MINUTE we were there and type in what projects we were working on and how long it took us.

We do this because at the end of the month, the computer adds up all the hours worked on the various projects and then it bills the client who pays an hourly fee for our services.

If I was allowed to go to work in my draws and a t-shirt, I wouldn’t feel more at home. But even in stockings and a form fitting dress skirt I am deliriously happy every morning I go in there because I know that I’ll be brainstorming all day and writing copy for various clients. All I do is think and write.

Ofcourse my first assignment went sour. She sent it back to me saying that I missed my mark completely. I was shocked. ~smile~ But it challenged me to step my game up and by the time I turned in my next copy she was congralulating me on a job well done. And then I did it again. And again.

I’m consistent with my work because I LOVE what I’m doing. How can I effectively communicate your message? You have something to say but don’t know how to say it? I can take care of that for you. I was BORN to communicate. Words are my heartstrings.

I know you won’t believe me when I tell you that opportunities are presenting themselves to me left and right. I almost cried at work today. Ok, I did cry. but I made sure to go to the bathroom so no one saw me. Honestly I’m so grateful. I’m so grateful to be able to work in Marketing.

I know it’s not a big deal but this is really FUN to me. It’s stuff I would do for my friends for free if they had businesses. It’s my PLEASURE. Not only is it PLEASURE, I’m getting paid. And I’m making more money than I’ve ever made in my life.

I’m kinda in shock about this week’s activities. I don’t believe I am this blessed and this happy.

A friend of mine called me last night to lecture me about how “crazy” I am in regards to Kanye saying, “Sometimes you take it too far. You see things in people that aren’t even there. You give people too much credit.”

What’s so wrong with that? I see people in a way that they don’t even see themselves. I see visions for them on a grand scale and I believe bigger and harder than most. Does that hurt anyone?

It almost blew my natural high but I realized that everyone doesn’t have my heart to uplift. I still don’t understand why my girl was telling me that, it was neither uplifting nor inspiring, but then again, she was high so who knows what was going on in her world.

All I know is that when the time comes for me to fully walk into my destiny, I’ll know who the chicks are who can see my vision and won’t try to stall my faith and my uniqueness. I know I don’t think like most people. I know I see things differently than the average person.

And that’s why I’m me, Ms. Tee.

Just as off the wall as I wanna be.

Heart Changes

It seems like writing this blog affects my life.

When I get up the nerve to admit one of my faults publicly I am forced to confront it and make a change. Last week I admitted to being a slutty whore who uses guys for sex and discards them afterwards because I’m afraid they’ll discard me if I don’t.

After I wrote that something happened.

So weird.

Something changed.

I don’t want to be like that anymore.

And so.. I’m not. It’s as easy as embracing a new attitude.

When I think about my past sexual encounters I realize that I was hunching men that I would NEVER consider being in a relationship with. EVERY MAN that I’ve had sex with for the past 5 years does not meet the criteria I have in my mind for my dream man. They don’t even meet HALF the criteria for my dream man yet I’m giving my body to them so freely.

Was I that desperate for a nut? Maybe I was. But the sad part is, I rarely got one. So I was allowing these men to use me for a quick body shiver and I got nothing in return.

I don’t want that anymore. I don’t want to have to convince myself to like someone or make excuses for them just so I can have some attention. If he ain’t all that then he ain’t all that. And I KNOW I want a man that is ALL THAT! I’m not gonna settle for less anymore.

I’m not gonna be anyone’s number 2 chick anymore. It is not exciting or cute to be the woman on the side. It’s not cute to be called at 1am for a quickie.

I am a lady. I am intelligent, pretty and personable. How could I have allowed so many idiots in my bed and between my legs.

I’m half way disgusted with myself.

Ughhhh…

I can’t believe that I thought I didn’t deserve better than that. I can have more than that. I am worth more than that.

This is some good p**** and any man that is lucky enough to partake will have earned his piece. I’m not short changing myself anymore. No man I’ve ever met is worth it. I have yet to meet a man who is up to par. If I have to be single for the rest of my life so be it.

I don’t want some regular dude. I want a man with a vision to change the world. I want a man who could appreciate me being by his side and in his ear propelling him toward greatness in every facet of his life.

Is that too much to ask?

It can’t be, otherwise God would not have given me the desire for it.

My heart was tested recently. One of the music biz guys half way flirted with me while we were doing business. I was a little confused, wondering if he was flirting or not. We spent time together and I played it cool. I looked at him as he told me, “You’re beautiful.”

I felt nothing.

No inclination to see how big he was or if he could handle a chick like me. I just smiled, thanked him and kept it moving.

I’m not interested in being a buffet anymore.

There’s a long selection process to get up in this piece.

~shrugs~

I can’t believe it myself.

He Inspires Me

Look what my baby drew for me!

He really blesses me…

Sit, Sip, Discuss

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These Are The Breaks

Tomorrow is a holiday and my kids are out of school. Since I no longer work in the school system I have to go to work.

Dilemma.

No one is available to babysit.

I’m not on salary.

Which means: pay cut.

Excuse me while I wring my hands in frustration as I fight this feeling of embarrassment/helplessness because I don’t have help with my kids.

I only started this job a week ago and I’m already calling off because of my kids.

Damn.

The Good Life

Life has been going pretty much GREAT!

My sons are a handful but that is to be expected, after all they’re boys and they have ME for a Mama. I’m a handful myself so what else can I expect?

All day long I sit, think and write. Then when I get home I cook, bathe kids, talk a lil bit and put them to sleep. Then I sit, think and write some more. My work mirrors my play. Ain’t that funny?

I found a new website that I’ve fallen in love with. It’s called EmergingMinds. I have decided to contribute to the site and I think Yolanda should too. She has more opinions than anyone I know. ~smile~ The writers on that site are not amateurs which means that only a select few with a distinct style will get published.

I’ve also fallen in love all over again with two of my favorite bloggers, Sometimes Misunderstood and Slightly Chaotic. Of all the blogs I’ve ever read these two are consistent with the type of writing I love to read. They tell STORIES. They don’t try to incite a riot, teach a lesson, prove how intelligent they are or entertain us. They simply tell their life stories as plain as can be for us to enjoy and I do! EVERYDAY!

Regular lives fascinate me.

My regular life fascinates me too. Lately I’ve been feeling so good that I almost dreaded celebrating the feeling for fear something bad would happen and the joy would go away. Then I told myself that I can’t suppress my excitement in anticipation of pain. I have to enjoy every drop of this season of jubilation, so I am!

My job is still going great. Being creative for a living and doing it on the side is a bit much, but hey, I expect to be on the grind for a little while longer then ~poof~ things will slow down for me as I make more money for each writing assignment and have to do less pro bono work.

I saw Tamara and her man tonight. She arrived in town a few hours ago with her boyfriend who is F-I-N-E! I’d sure like to climb his tree! But really, he looks like every other boyfriend she’s had. I guess we never stray far from our ‘type’. I wonder what would happen if we ever did?

I don’t really have a type but I am usually attracted to short, nerdy looking guys with quirky personalities and strong resumes.

But my ideal husband would look like Ice Cube in the movie, Are We There Yet? Damn, he was so fine in that movie! I like a man with some meat on em. Hell, a lil chub on’em. Ok, I like big belly men. That way he’ll never be able to call me fat no matter how much weight I gain. And he’s nice and warm on cold winter nights.

I try to stay away from the subject of men but I’ll be damned if that’s not the only subject my friends want to talk about. I’ll listen for a few minutes then I’ll need to re-direct the conversation back to dreams and goals. These chicks are losing their minds worrying about when they are gonna get married. If they put half the thought they dedicate to men into preparing for their financial futures, they’d all be millionaires right now.

But I realize that everyone has their own priorities and I guess for the late 20 somethings like myself, getting married is on the list. It’s not on my list. Not yet anyway. I have to be very successful before I even consider it because the type of man I want to attract won’t be attracted to me right now. I think I’d have to be more spiritually in tune with God and myself and more established professionally because I’d like the man to have those same characteristics and we all know like spirits attract.

But sadly, for most women, a professional man with stability, financial security and a bright future is too much to hope for, even when they themselves have all those things. So they grab anything that gives them a second look because their biggest fear is being alone. They need that promise of eternal love to feel complete. They need that validation that approval because then they’ll know that they are okay. Someone wants them. They are worthy of love.

And I understand them to an extent.

Until I attain the vision that I have for my life, I will feel incomplete too.

I’m tired but I’m waiting for the clothes to finish spinning so I can throw them in the dryer and go to sleep. I should be writing one of the articles due this weekend but I wrote 2 last night and revised another so I was up pretty late and my body is feelin it.

I got another assignment with the Miami Herald ya’ll. They still haven’t published the first one but she told me she’d let me know when it would go in. I don’t care because it seems like I made the cut and am now a regular freelancer! Which means- MO MONEY, MO MONEY, MO MONEY!!!

See! No child support and I’m still gonna be alright. God always provides. He made a way for me to make more money than I was getting from their daddy and I don’t have to ask THE MONSTER for a thang.

Life is sweet and the cyle just stopped spinning so I’m off to get some rest.

Enjoy the pleasant moments without fear. You deserve happiness. I deserve it.

I’m gonna relish every second.