Just a Fantasy?

I just got in from work. I know it’s late but when you work in fundraising, many of the events proceed well into the evening. This event was an annual Bazaar organized by the Parents Association at my school. I’m sure there’s a lot of drama behind the event. How could you avoid that when you have a large group of women planning events? But I manage to stay away from it so I get to see the big picture.

The women in the PA are mostly stay at home Moms, the only difference is, their husbands are worth millions. But honestly you couldn’t tell by the way they interact with everyone. Every so often I glance down at the rings on the middle finger of their left hands and it reminds me of exactly who I’m dealing with. I love watching them work. Many of them are in my office BEFORE I get there, making signs, making phone calls and doing other busy work just like they worked for our school full-time. They really put their hearts into raising money for our school. This year alone, our PA pledged to give $25,000 to the Annual Fund. I have no doubt that they will work extra hard to make sure every cent is paid in full.

Even though my boys are asleep and I’ve had a nice warm shower, my Direct TV is back on ~HALLELUJAH!~ for the first time since the storm hit, so now I have TV once again. But I can’t sit still and watch it. I’m still so tense. ~frowns~

All I think about, everyday, all day, is becoming successful by doing what I love to do; speak, write and encourage. I dream about having my own show, writing my books and not having to persuade myself for 15 minutes just to buy myself lunch. You deserve it. I tell myself. You work every day. Your kids have food, you should have it too. Man, a pedicure is a distant memory for me. I used to be able to get those on the regular. ~sigh~

All day long I’m around these women who never have to think twice about a meal or a pedicure. But I know a brighter day is coming soon. People wonder why some people want to get rich or die trying. When you come from nothing and nothing is all you know, you just want a taste of the good life- JUST ONCE! I can understand why all of those new rappers go bling crazy when they get a deal. It’s like only being given bananas your whole life and suddenly someone takes you to a buffet. You want it all!

I want it all. ~singing~brand new socks and draws

For myself. For my children. And I really don’t want a man to give it to me. I want to get it myself.

I’m no different from any of the other women who fantasize about having a man show up and resuce them, except when the thought comes, I push it WAYYYY back in the dark recesses of my mind. I don’t allow myself to dwell on it too long because I have no control over that.

But I still allow myself to have romantic fantasizes sometimes. It’s so much fun to fantasize about a man that you know you will never be with. Right now, my fantasy man is a co-worker. I met him some time ago but for the first time last week we had a conversation.

Since public schools were out last Friday, I had to take my sons to school with me. When we were leaving I ran into him and he stopped me and we chatted for a while. It was a weird feeling standing and talking with a man. I try not to even look them in the face when I’m out running errands and I notice a cutie noticing me. But this time, I let my boys run around the PE field while he and I chatted about my dislike for football, his son, and a bunch of craziness in between.

I felt like…like…a woman.

Like an attractive, witty woman.

And I am attracted to him, even though he looks like me. The last time I dated a light skinned man with green eyes I was sooo uncomfortable. When we would go out, people looked at us like we were aliens. I didn’t like that feeling. I didn’t know if they were staring at me or him and I’m used to being the star in my relationships.

But this guy…well, even though he’s lite bright, he’s very masculine with it. He has a deep, DEEP voice and the cutest little belly I’ve ever seen.

No, no, noooo… You can keep your abs and muscle men. I like’em on the chubby side. Heavy-set with a lil’ belly on’em. ~drink your beer baby~ Nice and thick. I couldn’t see myself with a man who was skinner than I am. Yuck.

But oh well. This dude is off limits simply because he already has a girl (or a baby mama- he didn’t really say).

But yeah, it felt so nice to smile and joke with a man again. I had been pushing them away since the beginning of summer to protect myself from getting too close. I can’t help but be nice to men, too nice I think. So I figured that as long as I stayed away from them, no one would be able to take my kindness for granted.

And it’s worked. Except…Except…

I still have the desire to be sweet to a man.

And it won’t go away.

Last night I remembered a prayer I prayed when I was still in college. I said, “Lord, I am so tired of feeling unnappreciated by men. If the man is not for me, then I don’t even want his attention. Keep all those men away from me if they’re not for me. The next man I give my heart to, I want to be my husband.”

You know, I think God has honored that prayer.

I keep wondering what is so wrong with me that I can’t meet ONE guy that likes me for me. The problem is, there is no problem; God is protecting me until the day he sends His choice my way.

So in the meantime I can enjoy my make believe flings and keep focused on pursuing what it is that God made me to do.

Just Another Day

I had so much fun reading blogs tonight.

After stumbling through the door with dinner in one hand and an arm full of groceries on the other, I set the kids up at their table, filled their juice cups, got the rest of the groceries from the car, put away the groceries, gave them seconds, swept the floor, put another load of laundry in the washing machine, forced my boys away from the table and into the bathtub, bathed them, put them in their night clothes, called my Mama so they could chat with her, put the clothes in the dryer, wiped the counters, took a scrub brush to the tiled floor, mopped the floor, took the phone away from the boys, took them to the potty, made them brush their teeth, put them in the bed, kissed them goodnight, grabbed a piece of the fried chicken I bought, warmed it in the microwave, ate it and…I sat down…to relax and read my blogroll, as always, from the bottom-up.

I’m all done now, feeling soooo happy and satisfied.

~Claps~

You guys are really entertaining!

Thanks!

Phat Asses

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Sometimes when I see a woman with a wide ass all of these questions run through my mind.

Because I am a member of the NOASSATALL club, I wonder what it would be like to have a juicy booty.

If you’re out there and you’re not offended by these questions, could you please enlighten a sister.

How does it feel to have a big ass?

Is it heavy?

Do you ever bump into things or knock things off a table?

If a man has a lil penis, can he still hit it from the back?

Do you think you’re all that because you have a big ass?

Do you consider it to be your best feature?

Do you ever make it clap? Is it fun?

Sometimes I wish I had just a little more booty, instead of this tear drop thing I have going on.

~sigh~

Ms. Tee

Sweet Lullaby

Saturday Night

Ring, Ring!!!

Ohh shit. Where is the damn phone? I mutter as I pull back the covers and walk barefoot in the dark, out my room door, through the empty dining room.

My hand sweeps the wall for the switch. BINGO!

As my eyes adjust to the bright light I see the phone light up again. Hmm.. I recognize this number. Oh Lord….

“Hello,” I mutter as I flop onto the couch.

“Hey Sweetie. Long time no see.” a familiar masculine voice speaks confidently into my ear.

I bite my lip and giggle.

“How are yoooouu?” I sing into the phone.

“I’m good. Just haven’t seen you in a while. What’s up with that? You’re long overdue for your monthly check up.”

“Monthly?” I ask flippantly. “Don’t you mean semi-annual?”

“Be funny all you want. You know what’s up. I want to see you.”

“I want to see you too, but my kids are here.”

“That’s okay, we didn’t disturb them last time.”

“Yeah, but that’s why it was so long ago, I never wanted to do that again. I couldn’t be FREE.”

“Come on. You know you had a good time. Didn’t you like it when I ~censored~?”

My face turns red and my heart races as I remember how good that made me feel.

“Yeah, I loved that.” I admit.

“And wouldn’t you like it if I ~censored~?”

“Hell YEAH! Shit- YEAH!” I squeal.

“Well, what’s up? I can be there in 10 minutes.”

I pause and consider. I am long overdue and dude has 100% positive feedback on his record. And…I have this idea that I’ve been wanting to try.

My concious gets the better of me.

My kids are here.

“Maybe tomorrow?” I say hesitantly.

“You promise?” he asks.

“I’ll call you tomorrow,” I say.

“Look, if you happen to wake up in the middle of the night and you change your mind, remember I’m just 10 minutes away.”

“Ok,” I laugh and hang up.

I don’t return to my room immediately. The sound of his voice brings a tear to my eye. I try my best to stay away from him but truth be told, he is probably the best ‘icecream’ I’ve ever had.

He’s nothing like any man I would ever be with. He’s tall. I don’t like tall men. Skinny. When I’m with a skinny man I think to myself, I may as well be with a woman. He does physical labor for a living for goodness sakes. I’d actually prefer a professional. ~sigh~ But he’s also sweet as hell. He treats me like a little sister and I’ve known him since I was 2 years old. Still no long term possibilities here.

Yeah, it’s that old comfortable booty call.

The type of guy you can call up and say, “Hey, I’m stressed right now” and he’ll invite you over and he’ll handle that so well, that you’ll be singing all the way home.

I hug the pillow on my couch and whine into it, “Why can’t he be someone I actually LIKE? Why come the ones with the good ‘icecream’ always be the ones with no damn paperwork (resumes, degrees, portfolios, etc)? But damn he’s good. Long, strong and always on point for me. Damn. I just want to be touched in that way that no one but a man can. Being the good girl is no fun, but it does keep me out of trouble.”

Maybe tomorrow. I think to myself as I head back to my bedroom.

I sigh heavily as I pull the covers back up. Shoot, Mama need to relax too.

Sunday

I get a call from him around 6:30pm.

I answer it and smile to myself because I have already made up my mind.

“What’s up Sweetie” he asks cautiously. “I wanted to finish the conversation we had last night.”

I giggle.

“Yeah, we can do that.” I tell him softly. “Around 9:30. I have a surprise for you.”

“Aight,” he says. “I’ll be there.”

“Later.”

Lord, please don’t let these kids wake up…

My Fabulous Night Out

I’m often inspired by The Heiress to do something fabulous with my life, so a while back when I took my blog vacation I decided to do something I normally wouldn’t do.

I didn’t have my kids and I was ready to go shake my booty but as usual with a group of finicky female friends, no one wanted to go out, so I decided to go out all by myself.

I got dressed in my favorite brown top that makes me look like I have a lot more style than I really do, I paired it with a pair of forest green capris and some bronze sandals with a matching purse. I did my make-up just right and I got a fresh cut and you couldn’t tell me I wasn’t stunning!

So off I went down to Miami Beach to see what was going on. I had Tamara on the phone so I wouldn’t feel so alone as I found FREE parking and sashayed down the strip.

I may be only 5’1″ but when I’m on the stroll, I feel like I’m 7 feet tall. Something happens inside of me where the SUPERSTAR in me comes out and I just KNOW I’m the baddest bitch alive!

I saunter over to Wet Willies and order myself a drink. Every cutie that catches my eye gets a smile and a wink. I sit down on the ground floor so I can watch the people walk by. I’m just a little self concious about being by myself but you couldn’t tell the way I had my head cocked to the side and a smile on my face that said, “I have a secret and I know you want to know what it is!”

My drink is almost done and I’m wondering what I’ll do next. I see two well built guys eyeing me and I smile at them. A few minutes later they both approach me and ask if they can sit down.

“Of course,” I say as I sit back down after greeting them with handshakes. I see them eyeing my outfit and I’m okay with that.

“I like your style,” the dark skinned stranger says to me and smiles, showing an even row of perfectly white teeth. His friend is lighter in complexion, with curly hair. He tells me he is from Louisiana.

“Thanks,” I say and play the humble girl role, like I don’t hear that shit on the regular.

We chat for a bit and they hand me an invitation to a private party during the week at The Ivy, some place I’d never even heard of before. Before they leave I ask them, “What’s going on tonight? Where should I be?”

“Oh, after we go home to change we’re headed to the Shore Club. Have you been there before?”

“No, I haven’t but if you tell me where it is and what time its jumps off, I’ll see you there.”

“It’s on 19th and Collins. The entrance to the party is around the back. You’ll find it and give me a call when you get there,” the dark skinned one tells me.

They disappear and I wait a minute before I leave Wet Willies.

Hmm. Where do I go now? I guess I’ll just walk and see what’s free.

I’m on Ocean Drive and I remember that Fat Tuesdays is just up ahead. I get excited because I know that the dance floor is small but the Dj is kinda good.

I step inside and there isn’t a soul on the dance floor. I don’t care because I’m tipsy as hell and I move to the center to twirl and shake my thang. I guess my bravery is contagious because a few more people step out and before I know it I’m surrounded by a young, mixed crowd of whites, Latinos and blacks out to have a lot of fun!

I start dancing with this one young chico. He’s just my type, a little on the short side with a nice round belly. I flirt with him a little and dance a LOT and he backs away and looks at me like- DAMN girl! Yeah, I fooled his ass! I can’t dance but I’m a great pretender.

I notice that it’s getting closer to 11 so I leave the club and walk down Ocean, people watching and smiling at strangers.

“Don’t even try it,” one guy says to his friend who looks like he is about to approach me. “She’s too beautiful for you.” The guy stops in his tracks and walks away. I shrug, If he doesn’t think he’s worthy, why should I?

My feet are starting to tingle a bit as I hike up to 19th avenue. Damn. I should have taken a cab since I parked on 5th avenue, but a sista only LOOKS like a million dollars, I don’t really have it!

When I finally reach the hotel I find the entrance and the hostess smiles at me and allows me to come in. I release a breath I had no idea I was holding. These damn Miami clubs, you have to look the part or you won’t get in. I have to remember to wear this same outfit next time I go out! LOL!

My eyes grow wide as I enter the party. This isn’t some regular party, I can already tell. The people here are lounging by the delicious looking pool on various beds and what not. They all are coupled up and chatting quietly.

Damn. Where the party at? I ask myself and roll my eyes. Ohhh, this must be the elite party crowd who don’t really DANCE.

In the distance I see a room with red lights and a line outside of it. I stand in line as the bouncer guy allows certain people in. When I’m standing in front of him, he looks at me and looks away.

“Excuse me,” I say to get his attention. He ignores me.

I walk back out to use my cell phone. “Raymond,” I say cautiously when a man picks up.

“Yes?”

“This is Ms. Tee, we met at Wet Willies earlier. I’m calling to tell you that I made it to The Shore Club.”

“Ohh! I’m glad you made it. We’re on our way right now. Wait a minute and I’ll meet you at the bar by the pool.”

I hang up and find the bar. I order myself a drink and shudder when the busty female bartender says, “$15”.

$15 for a damn drink! HELL NAW!

But I play the role like it’s no big deal and pull out my last dusty $20 bill.

I taste the drink and it’s so sour I almost spit it out.

I stand alone for a while, watching the people mill about just as carefree as they want to be. No one talks to me and I don’t talk to anyone. I get tired of the scene quickly and decide that I’m going home.

As I’m walking back up the street my phone rings, it’s Raymond.

“Hey Tee, where are you? I’m standing outside the Red Room looking for you.”

“Oh, I was there, but I couldn’t get in so I left.”

“Yeah, it’s kind difficult to get in here, but I would have gotten you in.”

“Don’t worry, maybe another time. I’m kinda tired and I have to walk back to 5th to my car.”

“Walk? Why don’t you take a taxi?”

“It’s a beautiful night and some friends said they’d be here. I’m hoping to run into them,” I lie.

“Ok, It was nice meeting you. Keep in touch and I hope to see you on Wednesday at the party.”

“Nite,” I say and hang up.

My feet are definately hurting me and I’m only on 12th avenue! DAMN!

By the time I get to 5th, my feet are stinging.

I take off my shoes and hop into my little hooptie, eager to get back home.

On Wednesday at noon I get a call on my cell phone.

“Hello, this is Ms. Tee.”

“Hi Tee, this is Raymond, we met on South Beach.”

“Oh Hi! What’s going on?”

“Well, I just wanted to remind you about the party tonight. It’s going to be fun, I hope to see you there.”

“I’ll be there, ” I say before hanging up.

I call my little sister a second later.

“Teenie, are you still gonna watch my kids so I can go to this party tonight?”

“Yeah girl. How long will you be out?”

“I don’t know, but it won’t be too late because you know I have to go to work in the morning.”

“I’ll be at your house by 8 then.”

“Thanks Teenie.”

By 9:00 I’m already dressed. Thank God Dianna took me shopping and we found a few cute outfits a few weeks back so I had some ammunition in the clothing department.

When I arrive at The Ivy I shake my head. Nothing but Benz’s and Infinity trucks parked out front. I’m on the phone with Tonya and I tell her about the atmosphere.

“There’s nothing but white people out here girl. And they look like they all have money.”

“But you look good right?” she questions me.

“Come on! You KNOW that!” I respond with an attitude.

“Well, walk your behind in there and have a good time!”

I follor her advice, put on my SUPERSTAR smile and strut.

I walk into the restaurant and up to the hostess.

“Hi, I’m here for Raymond’s party.”

“Raymond Givens?” she asks me.

“Yep, that’s him.”

“Oh, his table is right this way.

She escorts me to a table near the back and I see him. He’s wearing a t-shirt under a suit jacket with some jeans. He looks very Usher-ish. I give him a fake hug and he asks me to have a seat.

I hold my breath and sit down, smiling at everyone at the table. The woman directly across from me is cute and professional looking. “Hi, I’m Sheryl,” she says and extends her hand.

One by one, Raymond’s guests arrive. Honestly I feel like I’m in another world. I wonder if they can tell that this is all new to me. I wonder if they can tell I have two kids at home and a raggedy car outside. I wonder if I stick out like white shoes after Labor Day. But you couldn’t tell I was doubting myself. Once again, I had that ‘I have a secret and I know you want to know what it is’ look on my face.

We all order drinks and conversation is flowing nicely. Every woman at the table looks like some kind of model and the guys are so sharp, I’m very impressed.

This is the crowd I’m looking for, I think to myself. These must be the upwardly mobile young professionals. There are now 6 men and 8 women. Each of the young Black men have white girls at their sides, including Raymond. The Black women at the party were all alone.

“So, how have you been enjoying the dating scene in Miami?” I ask the bubbly Sheryl.

“Girl, I hate it. It’s the same men all over, at every event. But I have to tell you, I have met someone special. And it’s crazy because we met at a party like this.”

“Well, you HAVE to tell me the story,” I say to her and scoot closer to the table.

Dinner arrives and we eat lovely. Bottles of Sky Vodka are brought out and Sheryl mixes drinks for us all. Before I can even blink, everyone is so merry. Yes, MERRY is the only word I can use to describe it. We were all getting tipsy and laughing the night away.

The mood changes as the DJ changes. It’s after 11pm now and hip hop is being played. The restaurant crew clears a few tables and chairs and creates a mini dance floor for our enjoyment. Dancers dressed in go-go costumes come out and shake their things to get the crowd hyped before climbing atop little stands and dancing on them.

One by one, the guys ask the girls to dance. Guess who’s left at the table? Yep, the Black women. We all smirk and look at each other. Whatever!

I’m feeling my drink so I put it down and stand up to dance. I look around, they are actually playing Drop It Like It’s Hot and no one is dropping it at all!

I guess they ain’t ready! I say and commence to do my little booty pop representin my old neighborHOOD, Liberty City to the fullest.

I see a few people stop and stare at me but I don’t care. I’m young, I’m stunning and I’m OUT OF THE HOUSE! NO KIDS! NO KIDS! I’m gonna enjoy this time.

The women are sweet so I give them all hugs as I prepare to leave. I walk over to Raymond and give him a quick hug too.

“Thanks for inviting me,” I tell him.

“We do this once a month, the next party will be at the Hard Rock Casino, I’ll be in touch.”

“Wait!” Sheryl says as she notices that I am leaving. “It’s still early. Dance a little more.”

I raise my eyebrow. I forgot to pick up pull-ups for my 3 year old and if I don’t get home quickly, he’ll have peed in his bed and I’m not trying to have that!

But I play it cool, “One more dance then I have to run,” I tell her and walk up to the guy she’s dancing with. We sandwhich him and rub our bodies all over his. Yuck. Dude had gray chest hair. Double yuck.

I sneak out before anyone can follow me and I smile all the way home.

This uppity crowd is cool for networking, but I don’t know if I really fit in.

I guess I’ll have to see how things go at the next party.

A new experience and a whole new set of people to mingle with.

See, interesting things happen when you step out of the box.

Kanye Alert System

I need a Kanye alert system. I’m forever getting messages from people and emails and comments saying, “Did you see Kanye on xyz?” I immediately get pissed off because I didn’t even know that Kanye was going to be on.

My friend Kim just called me while I was on my lunchbreak. She just got back from two weeks in Chicago after she had a breast reduction.

“Girl, are you home?”
“Yeah, I’m home,” I respond with a smirk. “But guess who’s power went out this morning?”
“Stop playin!” she gasps.
“Not even dude.”
“Damn girl, I was gonna tell you that yo man is on BET right now doing an interview.”
“AWW, HELL NAW!!!”

My power’s out and I can’t even watch Kanye! Damn. I gotta figure out a way to get advance notice of his shows, or maybe next year I’ll look into that TIVO thing. I don’t know anyone who has it though. I wonder how much it costs.

“Does he look good?” I ask Kim.
“I guess,” she says with a laugh. “He’s talking about his new video.”
“Turn it up so I can hear it.”

She does.

I’m not a fanatic. Or am I? I just happen to think about him more than most people. I’ve had four dreams about him. The first one was freaky. he..he… In the second one, he treated me like I was a groupie. I was so upset.

I don’t think I’d like to meet him actually. Who am I kidding? I think I admire him more because he never gave up. That means so much to me. Ruby put it eloquently: successful people have one thing in common, resilience.

Sometimes I feel like people don’t feel me. Like they don’t hear me. Like they don’t recognize who I am.

~Standing on top of my desk and announcing to my co-workers~
Excuse me EVERYONE!!! I know that I make copies for a living right now, but you’d better be nice to me, because one day you’ll be asking ME for a donation.

But Kanye, he didn’t care. He knew who he was and what he was sent here to do and it came to pass.

I want my sons to be like that. When I look at Kanye I see my sons and I hope for bright futures for both of them. I want them to accept themselves ‘as is’. I know it’s rough when you don’t fit in. When you’re not what’s ‘hot’ and you don’t click with the majority, but think about the true genius’s in our history. All of them were considered strange, nerdy or in some cases, crazy.

I’m not a stiff young professional. I’m not a street chick. I don’t live in the mall. I’m not all pop culture savvy. I’m not a goth kid or a tech kid or a future investment banker. All I am is a goofy chick with a dream of one day living lovely and smiling for a living.

I think I’m crazy sometimes.

I guess we’ll see how crazy.

Dream big! Then make it bigger! Then do something about it!

See what happens…

Believe

Damn I feel good!

Come on, you know me, I’m gonna have to be honest. That was some good icecream I had the other night. It’s funny because I rarely call him. I don’t wanna get too mixed up with someone I know has no potential for longe range likeability. But oh, he does make me feel so good.

I had forgotten how good icecream can make you feel. I completely forgot about why people do it and why it’s so popular. I had gotten used to doing it as a prerequisite for social intimacy with a man. I’d do it because I felt that it was what he wanted, and I’d get what I wanted, a man holding me and telling me sweet things.

But it never went further than the session lasted. Aftet he would leave, I’d feel empty and sad. It’s been years since a man spent the night with me. Years since I’ve cuddled with anyone. So many years since I’ve heard the words I Love You.

For the longest I had believed that I was incapable of being loved by a man. Who’d want me? I’m difficult and demanding and so damn emotional that I turn most men off. So I guess I settled for pseudo intimacy and a damn drink. I have been short changing myself.

With him, I feel like I can be more comfortable. I love the drama free situation we have. We both interact soley when we need to release and I don’t speak to him any other time. But when I need to be touched, when I need to caressed, he’s there for me, however infrequently and I allow him into my bed, between my legs and inside of my being, for the shortest of time. Enough to make my body cry and sigh and beg to be released.

He’s no top gun. He ain’t the biggest one. But for some reason, after he and I, enjoy the sweet surprise of our interwined lives I am soo happy I could fly. I don’t know why. I have no idea, why, he makes me sing the next day, or why I stay away for so long following our union.

It’ll be at least six months til I see him again. I admit it’s a trend, but it keeps me sane.

I don’t know what he’s feeling and frankly I don’t care, all I’m aware of is, he’s there when I need him most. So we toast, to our reunion, and I give him a hug goodbye, no one cries, cuz our lives run in opposite directions.

Though I dance my happy dance, cuz his touch puts me in a trance he remains, quite the same as the others who have hit and split. Not quite meaningless, but close enough, with my luck I’ll enjoy him a few times more. Though I want more. More than just a friend with a lovely countenance, any hint of romance, a slow dance or commitment, is hidden from me. I’m no dummy, I know what I’m doing.

And that…

Is…

Killing any hope of truly being free, any hope of truly being loved. Cuz like Val said, I never hope for love. I can dream about success, nice houses and all the rest but I’ll be damned I would ever dare to dream of someone loving me completely, earnestly as the greatest gift to me.

Yeah it’s sad, but I don’t lie, I got to push, pull and cry as I received the closest thing to intimacy that I’ve felt in along time.

So I’m sorry Dear husband, wherever you are. If you’re there and you care that I’m not being true.

It’s just…I’m not there yet.

I still don’t believe in you.

The Longest Day In History

I don’t know why it seems like today has been the LONGEST DAY IN HISTORY. I mean, it’s shortly after 10:30 pm and I feel like I’ve already lived two lifetimes; before and after dinner.

Ofcourse my shorties woke me up super early and the first words out of my mouth were, “Go in your room and let me go back to sleep.”

They left me alone for a little while, then I heard, “Mommy can you make us some brehfuss, please?” After their little breakfast I could hear them playing in their room. It’s great having two kids who are close in age because they entertain each other. They also tell on each other, take up for each other and make fun of each other. It doesn’t take too much of this gender socialization with my boys because they are soo boyish!

I could never come up with some of the stuff they like to do.

No, Mommy does NOT like to watch football.
Sorry, Boo Boo, I am not interested in wrestling.
Don’t come at me like that, I don’t want to play fight with you.

And my 5 year old is a little joker, but he tells the kind of jokes I hate.

“Mommy guess what?” he’ll ask.
“What?”
~FAARTTTT!~
“That is NOT funny!”

So after a couple of hours of this, I tell them that they can watch TV with me while we wait for dinner to be ready over at my Mama’s house. They climb into my bed and we snuggle up just in time to watch 3 Kanye West specials on TV. Yay!

After that it was time to get dressed. The weather is perfect this time of year. It’s not hot anymore and there’s a chill in the air, but not so cold that you want to stay indoors.

I grabbed the chocolate cake that I bought at the grocery store and we hopped into the car. Now my Mama warned me not to come to her house before 1pm. I wanted to make sure I got there just as the clock struck 1 because I knew it would make her laugh. I LOVE going to my Mama’s house. It’s like a little break for me and so much fun for my boys. Their Grandaddy always has a gift for them and they play and eat and laugh with their grandparents and I get to chill out in front of the computer! YAY!

So, we’re on the way to my Mama’s house and I’m shaking my head over a recent encounter. Yesterday when I went to pick up the cake at the grocery store I ran into a guy I knew from college.

When I first saw him at the store I didn’t know who he was (but he was freakin FINE!!!) and my first instinct was to smile and say Hi. Then I remembered that I’m not really in the mood to meet any men so I walked on by without another glance.

As soon as I found the cake I wanted, I was about to turn and get in line when I looked up and the fine guy was smiling at me.

Hollup! I know him. I smiled and laughed as he walked toward me.

But damn, dude was looking like a model these days, with beautiful dreads and an even more beautiful smile and I felt a bit self concious because I’m not the permed, skinny chick I was back then.

After wishing him Happy Holidays I walked away shaking my head. I don’t really like to run into people I knew when I was in college. Since moving to Miami I have been in my own little world, a world far away from that wild, wild journey I experienced in Gainesville. I like it like that.

I can’t exactly forget what happened while I was there. Let’s just say I wasn’t on my best behavior. he…he.. That part was kinda fun. But that isn’t the part I would rather forget.

I think the thing that disturbs me the most about my college experience is I went into it with high hopes and dreams and so much energy and vigor. I started off great. I was active all around campus. I was into the school newspaper, had a stint on a radio show, I was in a pageant ~came in 1st runner up, which meant I got into all of the Alpha parties for free!~ and I was a pin-up girl in the Black Student Union calendar- ahh, I was on the verge of becoming a legend.

Then freshman year ended and I met my Baby Daddy. ~shakes head~ Everything went downhill from there.

I don’t regret meeting him or loving him as deeply as I did. I just regret loving him more than I loved myself. Because I loved him so much, I lost sight of what was important to me. I began to stress about being good enough for him and perfecting all the things he criticized me about. By the time I graduated, I had two kids, stretch marks, only two internships under my belt and a below average GPA. I was supposed to be this power chick like I was up until my 2nd year in college. Instead, by the time I graduated, I was this sad, sad baby mama who didn’t even want to leave the house.

After losing myself in the hope of becoming what my Baby Daddy wanted me to be, I turned to God and held on so tightly because I knew He was my only hope of ever becoming the woman that I always knew I was supposed to be.

I thank God for that vision he gave me and the realization that I can’t accomplish them on my own. It’s because of all that drama that I had to take a step back and I realized that Ms. Tee wasn’t so invincible after all.

I guess I needed that wakeup call.

As I pull up to my Mama’s house and check my phone, it’s now 12:59. My boys run up to the door and ring the doorbell. When she opens the door, they run in ans scream, “Where’s Grandaddy?”

Ofcourse he has gifts for them. ~rolls eyes~

Ofcourse my Mama outdid herself in the kitchen. The turkey was wonderful, the mac and cheese, the sweet potatoe pies, collard greens, pigeon peas and rice, mmmm– all wonderful!

I ate, slept and ate some more. We only left because my 5 year old was starting to act up and I wanted to send him to bed early because of his behavior.

Sylvia came by and for the first time ever, we didn’t intoxicate ourselves with anything. It was just like being on the phone, except she was right there. Definately different…

I’m off to bed now. Curious to see what dreams may come and what this kid-free weekend will bring.

Did I mention that my Baby Daddy all of a sudden is acting—-NICE to me? Conversations are much more polite. He is considering what I want instead of just what he wants. He even said, “I don’t want you to stress about money anymore, so I’m going to start sending you more.”

Yeah, I don’t get it either. He actually called and said, “How are you?”

~scratches head~

Maybe he’s finally happy in his life. Maybe he got a raise. Or maybe God had something to do with his recent respectful behavior. But um, I’m still a little wary of him. But I’m so glad to see any small amount of change.

We’ll see how long this lasts.