It’s hard to admit though I thought it wouldn’t affect me anymore.
I try to brush it off but it still gets under my skin.
I wonder why I let it bother me when I’m so used to him treating me like I’m the scum of the earth. I try not to fight with him. I don’t want to. But he seems to exist to make me believe that I do absolutely nothing for my sons.
Their father has been the most hurtful person in my life. When I think about the things that we went through I thank God that I am not that person anymore. No, I wasn’t a saint myself. I cheated and admitted it and had my crazy attitudes. But the most damage that was done to my spirit came from my relationship with him.
Some people would call it emotional abuse, I don’t know. I was often told over and over again that I would never find anyone better than him. That I needed to prove myself to be worthy to wear his name. After hearing this so many times I began to believe it and I tried to become the woman he wanted me to be, but he was never satisfied.
I lost myself in him. Never having a man in my life who wasn’t dissatisfied with me, I clung to him in hopes that one day he would say I was okay. He never did.
Man, that was a long time ago. We’re no longer together. He’s with someone else and I’m okay with that, I guess. (It urks me because out of all the complaining that he did about me, he went and got with a chick like that.) I’m grateful that I only have to deal with him in certain situations and not on a daily basis anymore, but it hurts my heart when he tells me things like, “I could pay someone to do what you do with the kids. I do everything and you ain’t doing shit.”
No, I don’t have a job right now. But yes, I am taking care of my children everyday. No, I can not contribute to a fancy private school for the boys, but guess who has to deal with them when they are sick and going through growing pains? Who has to potty train them and make sure they learn their alphabet?
I don’t want his love or even his appreciation. But I would appreciate just a little respect for my role in his children’s life. Don’t hang up in my face when I ask you to stop cursing at me. Don’t yell at me when I tell you I don’t have money for things. Financial responsibility is a big part of child rearing and I do appreciate him taking on a major role, but don’t disrespect me like I’m some hoe on the street.
The thing is, I don’t even know how to stop it. I can’t stop dealing with him. He’s a permanent part of my life. I can’t make him respect me or honor me for taking care of his children. There’s nothing I can do but pray. But I’ve been praying for so long that he at least learn to treat me decently and he is still the same asshole with me. Sometimes I wish I never met him. Sometimes I regret ever saying that I would be his girl. I regret those years we spent together. I wish I could erase them. But I can’t.
And that’s why I hated college. Cuz college reminds me of him.
It’s sad but when I look at men, as fine as I think they are, something flashes in my brain and warns me, “He’s gonna be just like your baby daddy” so I turn away. I don’t give anyone a chance to get close to me because I never want to be rejected and thrown away like that again.
I’m out of the fire of that relationship, but you know what? It still burns.
