And the saga continues…

So, there I was, walking away from my interview last Friday, disappointed and confused. I was trying to pep myself up but I had no peace, no excitement, no relief that I was finally employed again.

I was beating myself up pretty badly. “Girl, you’re so ungrateful. This job makes good money, it is easy, you can do this with your eyes closed. Why are you acting like this?”

I just didn’t like the way they offered me the job. First, they didn’t even tell me up front that I was being considered for a different position. They just called me in and switched it up on me. It’s like they set me up. I hadn’t had time to digest the fact that I wasn’t going to get the other job, I didn’t have time to allow myself to be dissappointed and then get over it.

The thing that really bothered me about this new position is the fact that the Director told me that she had already offered someone else the job, but they wouldn’t start for another week. She said, “I think things are going to work better with you, so I’ll call her and tell her that I am no longer interested.”

My heart dropped. I felt so bad for the other girl. This girl had probably already put in her 2 week notice and now she was going to have to hear this bad news. It seemed like a bad move to me. It seemed shady.

While my sister and my friends were hollering “FAVOR, FAVOR. Favor ain’t fair, Tee.” I’m thinking, “This is not right. It’s not supposed to go down like this. I’m supposed to be happy about it, not feeling like I stole something from someone.”

So all weekend long, I was sad. On Monday morning I didn’t even smile. I couldn’t. I didn’t feel right about this job. But I went in and got my training. It turns out that this job was just up my alley. All this stuff was already in my resume so it shouldn’t be a problem. The only thing about the job itself that bothered me was that I was required to work until 6:30 pm every night and when we had events, I would have to stay until they allowed me to leave which could mean anywhere from 8pm to 11pm. Weekends would also be taken up with events, so my Mama would have to take care of my sons more than I would like for her to.

On my first day we had a staff meeting first thing in the morning. The CEO was there and he was excited to see me. He introduced me to the staff and informed the HR director to get my NEW HIRE letter ready so that everything would go smoothly. As soon as he said that, the Director who hired me spoke up. “Well, she’s just here on a trial basis, so we don’t have to move so fast on that one.” She looked at me with this smug expression.

I’m like, Dannnggg! What a welcome.

As I went from department to department learning about everything and taking copious notes, each employee warned me about my Director. “This job is not hard at all. It just takes a lot of time and the hardest part will be dealing with Sharon (the director). When she gets frustrated she really goes off, she slams doors and will berate you at the drop of a hat. If you are thick skinned and can brush off her comments then you will make it. If you don’t cry the first week, then I think you have a good shot.”

Damn.

They continued, “The position as her assistant is always empty. No one wants to work for her. She goes through assistants like we go through panty hose, but if you really want it, you can do a good job. Just ignore her. We all do.”

I’m taking all this in and I’m thinking, “They hired me, I will not quit. Not EVER. I need money.”

Yesterday she gave me a few assignments, which I handled with no problem. Then she gave me instructions for a letter she wanted me to write. I wrote the letter and gave it to her. She came back to me and said that the letter was all wrong.

Me: Ok, what do I need to add?

Her: You wrote this as if this was a new recruit when I TOLD you that it was a renewal.

I looked at my notes.

Me: Uh, I don’t think you mentioned it was a renewal.

Her: Yes I did.

Me: Well, how about this? When you give me instructions, You see that I write them down. Next time you give me instructions, before you walk away, let me read them back to you so that I can be sure that I got it right.

Her: I don’t care about what you’re writing down. I CARE ABOUT GETTING IT RIGHT!

Me: Alright Sharon.

She walks away in a huff.

I redo the letter and give it to her and she says she likes it better the way I did it originally.

~sigh~

She calls me into her office and says, “I don’t like the way you’re being defensive when I come to you with corrections. You’re not good at taking constructive criticism.”

Me: Well, yes I am. It is just the manner in which you spoke to me. Your tone was disrespectful and harsh. We are both adults, we should be able to communicate without being rude to each other.

At the end of the day she calls me into her office and tells me, “I don’t think this is working. We’re not a good match for each other.” I said, “OK.” Then I left, feeling relieved.

I thought about the other job that I had just interviewed for at a really nice magazine. Then I sighed.

During this interview, the publisher tells me, “People call me mean. You might cry a couple of times. And I don’t really like to fire anyone. When people mess up, I just treat them badly until they leave on their own.”

Man, what is it with these people? I KNOW I’m a good worker. I work hard and I am precise. I am a team player and I like to be held accountable to my job description. I keep daily status reports of the projects that I am working on so that I can have a record of my efforts and so that I can accurately report on my progress. No one TOLD me to do this, I do this because I want to make sure that I am on top of my work.

I began to wonder what was it about me that attracted such harsh bosses? Why couldn’t I find a place that would noursh my creativity and treat me like a human being, allowing me to learn and grow? All I want is to take care of my family.

So now I have to send letters of reference to this publisher and a letter stating why I want the job as Human Resources Director of her publication. I know you’re think, dang that’s a switch. But I told you that I have so much experience because of the newspaper job. I was handling Human Resources, Editorial, Marketing and Sales all by myself, not to mention my REAL job as the Executive Assistant. I learned a lot, but I was extremely underpaid.

My friend Marsha called me last night and after I told her what happened, she said that it was a spirit that was trying to attack me. A spirit that wanted to attack my self worth and push me away from God.

All my life I had dealt with this spirit. My parents would tell me I was worthless. My baby daddy would tell me that I would never get anyone else as tight as he was. I began to believe the words I heard from the people who were closest to me. I began to try harder to make them satisfied with me.

That is why I am such a people pleaser. I want someone to look at me and tell me I’m great. I want SOMEONE to be satisfied with me. They never are, always some complaint or instruction on how I need to be better.

So here I go again with another ruthless publisher. If she offers me the job I’ll take it and deal with her crap. I have to. I have a family. I can’t be selfish any longer.

I’m beginning to feel as if God has stepped away from me. But I KNOW that He promised never to leave me nor forsake me so I try to brush away these thoughts.

I’m not sad anymore. I know that I am trying my best and that’s all that I can do.