I promised myself that I would try to write everyday. Writing keeps me sane.It helps me to feel like someone cares about what I’m feeling in my head and in my heart since I have no one around me who does.
I need this.
I woke up this morning feeling so good because somehow the floor softened up a bit last night. I don’t know what happened but I felt great. I immediately asked God to order my steps today and present divine direction for me throughout the day.
Then I said to myself, “And I will not think about him today.”
Then I realized- Doh! You JUST did it…dummy.
It’s not as deep as I made it seem last night. I guess I have so much going on in my mind lately and I am so lonely. I guess thoughts of him consume my mind because there’s nothing to replace it right now outside of prayer.
So far, he’s the closest thing I’ve met to my ideal man but thinking back to this time last year, it was my BBDD who held that position. A few months later when I moved to ATL, I met many men who surpassed BBDD’s accomplishments and then after I moved to Houston I met The Prez and he holds the top position right now in every area but…it could change if I open myself up to meeting more successful businessmen.
I don’t really want to because I want what I want (and I want HIM) but maybe thats the problem, maybe I need to stop trying to be in charge all the time and allow a man to choose me.
~raises eyebrow~ I don’t know about that…
I think the one thing that has been missing from ALL of the men that I label “ideal” is the biggest factor: INTEREST. None of them had ever been interested in me. ~laffs~ Isn’t that funny though? I think it is. I’m constantly shooing men away but the men that I like just walk on by like I’m a discarded penny on the ground.
But anyway…that’s not all I think about. I think about how good God is cuz my bills are still being paid miraculously. I don’t want to work on anyone’s job but I still apply to them. I feel great when they don’t call me back because I don’t really want to clock in anyway. I love to work hard, I just don’t want the silliness that comes with working in an office setting. I want to do my work and that’s all. None of that other mess. I want to give my gift and I don’t want to settle for a paycheck that comes with no satisfaction. I can have both.
I have come too far not to go for what I know I deserve.
I sometimes fantasize about God being my husband and that he doesnt want me to work because I’m his princess and he just wants to take care of me and spoil me and let me do what I love to do. I imagine that my husband will be the same way, spoiling me and expecting me to look good everyday and be ready for him when he gets home except…with my work ethic I’ll probably be up before him everyday trying to expand our business.
I think about my boys a lot. I try not to though because it hurts to nor be able to deliver on a promise. I have decided that I am going to bring them here but I don’t know when. I know we don’t have any family here or friends and that’s why I’m hoping to work from home. It won’t be a problem if they get sick and I have to be home with them. I don’t know why it’s on my heart to live here and I’ve said many times that there’s no reason for me to love this city but I do. I don’t know why.
I will keep asking God to help me be strong through the loneliness while I miss my kids and they miss me. I promised them that I would get them and I can not back out on my promise.
Kim is doing well. She’s living like a princess and volunteering and shopping and joining all kinds of groups and exploring Chicago and she’s STILL not working. Sometimes I feel so afraid that I’m jealous of her and I feel bad because I never get jealous of anyone…usually. Sometimes I am afraid that God loves her more because her walk is more comfortable and my back hurts so much from the burden of my own. Why do I have to be the strong one?
I try not to compare but shes the only person I talk to everyday and I truly appreciate her walk and her encouraging words and I don’t know why I’m on the floor and she’s about to move in her new house. Sometimes I wonder what I did wrong and she did right. I know I shouldn’t be this way and I’m sorry but I am.
I really need a hug right now. I don’t know what to do. I am officially CELIBATE. ABSTINENT. FASTING FROM SECKS. NO PENIS IN THE AREA. Almost 8 months now…
Wow… And it’s not like I can’t do it, I just don’t want to. Who me?
I do what I want to do…But I guess right now..I don’t WANT to do it. Wow.
But I do want to do it, just waiting.
Like everything else in my life. Waiting…and trying to do the right things and have faith that…I can make it and one day I will be able to take care of my family without having to ask my children’s father for anything.
That is why I dream, for independence. Mine, theirs and yours.
I want my life to be an example of a woman who didn’t quit and everything she dreamt of came true. I hope that this journal I’m keeping will become my success story.
All in due time…