After The Rage

Whoa…

Last night was pretty rough. LOL!

I’m crazy. I advocate abstinence until marriage for those who have yet to taste the tantalizing fruit of secks, cuz seriously…once you pop- YOU CAN’T STOP!

Val just IM’ed me asking: I read your blog. Why are you made at dudes? It’s not their fault that you ain’t gettin none.

I’m sorry…I was just up late…feeling all kind of shit. Thinking about JB and how he called me up telling me that he has a girlfriend now. That conversation broke me and it freed me. I hope he and whoever he is with, are blessed.

I don’t know. I do believe that everything happens for a reason so…

I’m just a very affectionate person. Extremely. I want to give love and receive it on a daily basis. I had no idea how much I was dependent on my sons for affection. Now that I don’t have them with me, I am at a loss. And it hurts more than you’ll ever know. I guess it’s all a part of starting over. Trying to finagle your way into comfort and stability. I’ll get there. Eventually.

Today I woke up feeling basically the same way I was feeling all night, frustrated.

I HAVE SO MUCH LOVE TO GIVE. ~sigh~

Lord, send a revival!

So I decided to treat myself to a trip to the bookstore and I browsed and browsed looking for this one book that is on my heart to read. Why? I have no idea. Has anyone ever read it before? It’s called. Pimp: The story of my life by Iceburg Slim.

I’m still reading The Game Of Life and How To Play It. Maybe I’ll replace my Kanye CD with that because it sure does feed me spiritually with every page I turn.

After browsing the bookstore I enjoyed a nice brunch and then I was riding down the street looking mad when these two dudes pulled up next to me in a truck. They waved at me. I waved back. They rolled down their window and asked, “Why are you looking so upset?”

I just rolled my eyes at them.

“Why don’t you come to our church? It’s right around the corner. It’s starting now.”

I shrugged my shoulders and said, “OK.”

I followed them to their church and walked in with a frown. When I looked around I could see that it must be a new church in a storefront place and it was almost empty. I straightened out my short shorts and sat down.

The praise and worship team consisted of one person; a woman in a wheelchair. She had a beautiful voice. There was a woman behind a keyboard and two women sitting in chairs in front of the “congregation”. The walls were bare except for 6 plants placed along the frames on each side.

I smiled to myself as I remembered going to church with my girl Racolita. Her home church in Miami was similar, very small, but krunk.

As the preacher stood up to speak, the church started filling up with men. These men’s clothes were tattered and old looking and the preacher welcomed them and gave a word of encouragement to them. As she spoke I realized that all of these people were homeless. This was a homeless outreach ministry.

“After the word, you don’t have to just grab your dinner and go,” she told them. “Stick around and meet each other. Bless each other.”

The female preacher, who was about 6 feet tall, wearing a long blonde weave and a pair of pleather pants, told us about how she began the ministry, preaching under the bridges to the homeless people and how God gave her a heart for the people who believe they are unloveable.

The word she gave was amazing! See, I’m not into flashy clothes, hip hops beats during praise and worship and all that jazz. If the church doesn’t TEACH me something then I’m not going back.

She taught about how to persevere in Christ and the steps it takes to maintain a relationship with God.

Her preaching style was off the chain and she referred to herself as “The thug preacher”. I laughed at that.

“Uh. Uh! You ain’t got to go to the Lord with all that ‘where art thou’ and ‘oh heavenly father’ mess,” she exclaimed. “Be real with God. Be yourself. If you want to scream, SCREAM. If you’re sad, be sad. If you feel like praying while you’re rolling your joint, roll it up and pray. But don’t NOT pray because you feel like you aren’t praying right or your life ain’t right. He hears those prayers even when you’re in the midst of doing wrong. Just keep talking to Him.”

I loved that. Cuz I talk to God just like I talk to my friends.

After her sermon she asked everyone to stand in line so that she could pray for them. I got in line but when she laid hands on the first dude I became uneasy.

I don’t like to allow people to lay their hands on me while they are calling on spirits. If I don’t know you, I don’t know what kind of spirit you’re calling on so I got out of line and handed the usher my business card, telling her to have the preacher call me since she told me she had a word from the Lord for me.

I left and went to Hermann Park to relax. I pulled a blanket out of my trunk and laid it out. I sat there reading The Game of Life and just…talking to God. It was so beautiful today. Such a nice breeze blowing.

I found a place to live.

I’m so excited. Everytime I tell someone that I’m moving to the Westchase District they looked shocked. I guess the neighborhood has a bad reputation for crime but I prayed for certain things about my apartment and it fulfills every one of them including no deposit, no credit check, washer and dryer inside and all bills paid for one low price. It seems that the area has a lot of Katrina evacuees and people look at them as “low lives” for some reason.

Whatever. I’m from Liberty City. Formerly known as Gun Shot City. Former home of the John Doe boys. ~shrugs~ That doesn’t phase me.

Anyway…there are no boys on the corner slangin rocks. It’s a gated community and all I saw were old people going about their business.

I won’t allow anyone’s skepticism to deter me from receiving God’s gift. I will not live in fear. I already told God to shut it down if it is not in His divine will for my life. So far, the man I’m leasing from has been nice and he said if I ever feel unsafe, just let him know and he will let me out of my lease. He has been living in the condo himself while his house was being built in Galveston and his stuff is still in there.

I have peace so… all those carnal minded people who don’t operate under the spirit of God can speak their piecee, but I won’t receive it. I will not fear man. Man has no power over the God in me.

I walk in peace man… It feels good too.

While I was laying out on my blanket, I took a little nap and my phone rang. It was my friend Kim’s grandma. She always makes me laugh when she calls. She called to tell me that she loved me and blesses me and she speaks success over my life and Kim’s life.

I laughed. I could tell she had been reading The Game of Life. After I told Kim to go get the book, she sent her grandmother a copy. Thanks Infinite Intelligence! LOL!

Kim’s grandma loves me so much! And it’s only because Kim loves me so much. Her grandma hinted that she hoped Kim would join me in Houston but I laughed knowing Kim has her eyes set on Chicago and until that city spits her out, that’s where she is going to be. She’s just as stubborn as I am.

Yesterday I went to meet this girl for lunch. We had a great time at the Galleria, enjoying margaritas and steak. She suggested we go to Marshalls and I was game. I’m really easy going. Very much a “go with the flow” type of chick. As long as I’m with good company who is not going to put me in a situation that makes me uncomfortable, we can do whatever you like. I don’t care.

After Marshall’s she suggested we go to Kema, Texas. “It’s a boardwalk,” she said. “You’ll like it.”

I sure did! It was beautiful. We walked around to all of the shops and watched the people having fun at the amusement park. I really enjoyed her company.

As we drove back to Houston she told me that she was gay.

I was okay with that. I kinda figured it since she kinda dressed like a boy. But she was so smart and so cool that I didn’t care. I made sure to tell her that I wasn’t gay and am not interested in anything like that.

We then went to have dinner and drinks at her place. At the end I felt like I had been on a day long date. Throughout the day I made peace with being with her because I used to be offended by women who dressed like that because I don’t understand why they would want to miss out on the fun of wearing heels and makeup and nice handbags. With my short hair cut and her boyish dress code, I’m sure people thought we were a couple of lesbians.

But I don’t really care what people think. Remember my theme song?

So even though they stared at us, I was like, “whatever”. I had a great time and I prayed that if this chick has ulterior motives that I would be protected from them.

Five more days until I move into my own place!

YAY!