Right now I really want some warm food. Like, I want some warm tasty food that someone cooked instead of microwaved. But of course I ain’t doin it.
Anyway, today I have the night off so all day I’ve been randomly watching inspirational vids on youtube and trying to organize my next project. This challenge had me all excited until an internet friend of mine hit me up on fb and told me, “Tee, I have to rebuild my life! I don’t know where to start!”
I was like, “Hollup bitch. I just did a whole SERIES on that! Ugh! You better go watch those videos.”
Then I told her about September’s project- the Say YES Challenge where we’ll learn how to say YES to what life has to offer. She replied by saying, “That sounds really hard, Tee.”
Which made me think a little about all the BAD that could happen. Then I started to get nervous. I mean, I was thinking I would be pushed out of my comfort zone just a little bit by social invitations because I hate socializing but nothing much more major than that. But when she shared her nervous energy with me I started thinking about all the other shit I hate to do- like date men.
Fuck. What if a man asks me out on a date? Fuck. I’ll HAVE to go sit down with his old raggedy ass and listen to him goo goo over how pretty I am but then have nothing else to say. I hate that shit.
Last man I went out with told me, “You’re very important to me, Tee.” When I asked him why he was quiet for a minute and then said, “Because you’re very beautiful.”
My heart sank but I played it off and laughed and tried to make a joke. They all want me because I’m beautiful but once they have me within arms length they don’t know what they fuck to do or how to handle me and its very simple but nobody knows how to handle me. So now let’s just hope I don’t meet any new men during this project because that’s gonna hurt my heart to have to sit through that.
And I hope no crazy shit happens that causes me to cry or be upset. I really just want to enjoy life. You know, 5 bars of wi fi, brownies and icecream, hugs from my boys- good stuff.
In fact, I was talking to Sylvia today and she’s still on her spiritual evolution. I let her do her thing and don’t lead but it’s amazing to me that most of the theories she’s JUST being introduced to, I’ve studied extensively for years. I could never talk to her about any of it because she’d say, “That sounds like the devil to me, so I don’t wanna believe it.” LOL She was so funny!
Today she said, “I read a little bit about Buddhism and they were talking about not desiring anything. How could anyone do that? I mean, really. Not have a desire for ANYTHING.”
“That’s where I am right now,” I confided. “It’s not like there aren’t things I would like to happen like having a car or making more money but really there’s not a job that I want and I don’t want to leave Denny’s. I don’t want to move from here. I don’t need to do something GREAT anymore. I just want to have 5 bars of wi-fi at some point and be able to eat everyday and I’m good.”
It’s true. Like. I still get to make videos and write articles and I have more time to myself now that I’m a server and not in grad school. I don’t get to have my own place but my roommates never knock on my door and they don’t bother me so I’m happy about the privacy. For however long they want me here or however long Denny’s allows me to stay- I’ll stay. If they ever ask me to leave, I’m not attached, I’ll leave but I’m not TRYING to go anywhere. I just want to sit here, see my kids, pay my bills, write my articles and do my videos and just focus on eliminating those ideas I have in my mind that make me dislike myself.
That’s all. ANything else that happens- is on the Universe- cuz I’m not trying hard for anything anymore.