I’ve been thinking about how much I love my life, actually.
I’m starting to be one of those goofy people who smiles all the time. People look at me funny and ask, “Why are you so happy?”
Why not?
The place I am in right now in life is exactly where I choose to be. I’m not forced to be with someone I don’t like. I’m not in a place where I am unhappy with my choices and I am not surrounded by people I don’t trust.
Believe it or not, I am grateful that my sons are with their Dad for this season. Think about it, I’ve struggled but my sons have never known a hungry day in their life. Also, to be honest, their Dad brings something to their life that I could never bring. He truly loves them and I can see that. They are better because they have been with him.
I do believe one day they will return to my car, just in time for them to learn the next lessons in life. I taught them how to walk, how to talk, how to eat, how to go to the bathroom and how to show love. He taught them discipline in school and life. He taught them how to have fun and how to believe in themselves. I back him up all day with gratitude because regardless of the fact that my son says, “Daddy said he can’t be around you,” as co parents I think we are doing a great job.
I am so grateful for where I am and who I am right now. I remember The Prez told me that I need to develop patience and I was like, “whatever.” but now I see his point. I used to be so in a rush to get where I KNOW I’m going. I could see my impending success and I would get depressed because it hadn’t come yet. Now, I focus more on the journey and enjoy everyday. I see the pieces of the puzzle coming together and I am appreciative as I watch my success unfold.
What’s weird to me is the fact that I do crave companionship from time to time but subconciously I must not want it. I meet men all the time and I immediately decide that I don’t like them and dismiss them as possible friends.
My mind says I’m doing the right thing. I am so particular about the people that I have around me. I can and will not get caught up with some man who I know I won’t be satisfied with in the long run. I never want to be that chick complaining about a man that I am not obligated to be with.
If it’s not what you really want, then why do you stay?
I can only speak from a young person’s stand point since my last relationship was when I was in my early 20’s but I think I stayed in that relationship because my BBDD was what I wanted, I just didn’t know I deserved more.
I think we all believe and know that no one is perfect, so we tend to hold on to what we have hoping it will turn into what we really want.
I don’t see myself doing that with anyone else. I’ve learned my lesson and I’m really not unhappy or stressed because I don’t have someone. Honestly, I think I’m afraid of all that relationship stuff. When people offer to hook me up, my mouth gets dry and I start to stutter. I decline with some random excuse or another but in my heart I’m thinking, “He probably won’t be what I really want.”
Ahh…
My expectations may be a bit much but I’m hoping for a creative soul who is extremely successful and well connected. I’m expecting him to be handsome, yet nerdy and a bit goofy. I’m expecting him to be accomplished and a man of integrity who loves children and wants to grow his business with me. I’d love to join forces and do something great for the Black community, something mind blowing.
This eliminates a lot of men because I know that I don’t want anyone’s employee, I want the boss.
~sigh~
Where’s Kanye?
I think I could help him write a damn good album about finding true love…