It must be so hard for my friends to deal with me. I swear, my mood fluctuates. Today I was on such a high because I was being creative and as soon as the night fell I crashed.
I got to such a dark place that the thoughts I had I never even dreamt I could have. I was only able to snap out of it by calling Mimi and speaking them aloud so that I could be held accountable. Once I did that, I took a shower and then took a walk. The crisp night air made me sing again and then I realized why I go through such ups and downs in spirit.
I have to.
Think about the work that I do. I am an inspiration. You can’t inspire anyone from the highest place. I can’t truly speak to the hopeless unless I have lost hope. I can’t truly know the words to say to the suicidal which will pull them out of their dark despair unless I truly know it.
There is no way I could EVER look someone in the eye, who’s lost everything and be able to speak life, unless, I have been there.
And I have.
And tonight I went there again, in my mind and I was able to relate to a group of hurting people that I have never been able to relate to before. Never even THOUGHT I COULD EVER relate to them but now I understand them because I was there, for a little while.
I always snap out of it. I always pull away. I ALWAYS know when enough is enough. But I do travel there, in the deep recesses of my mind and I wade around in the darkness, surrounded by filth and self hatred, hopelessness and despair. I sit in the funk of self loathing and a meaningless existence until I can snap out.
Then I immediately think to myself, “What could I have said to myself to help pull me out? What did I need to hear during that time that would have made a difference?”
And then I open my laptop and write, create or share.
And that is why I have over 100 youtube videos and over 100 original articles of inspiration. I have been to that dark place over 100 times in the past 3 years.
So don’t ever look at me and think I’m always floating high on a cloud. I can bet you I’ve felt more pitiful than you ever had. I’ve had worse thoughts than you ever will.
And i snap out of it.
And return to this world to give my gift of inspiration so you even if you visit that dark place, you won’t have to stay there.
Stay connected with me.