Heyy!

Its LOVE DAY and all I can do is smile. My boys woke me up around 7:15 and they’ve been climbing all over me since. ~smile

I try to tell them that I’m not into wrestling and being rough but they dont seem to understand. I guess its just something that is built into them because they dont really have any male influence in their lives besides their father who keeps them overnight once a month.

You know, I have never experienced love like this before. The love I have for my sons. I’m so critical, so demanding so unsatisfied usually, but with them its all good. Even when they throw fits, dont eat their dinner or make me late for appointments I just look at them and smile. Its this peace that surpasses all understanding. They are my little men, my roll dawgs, my partners, my everything. I wouldnt give them up for the world and I would give up the world for them. You wont understand how deep and true love is until you have children of your own. Its amazing and I consider myself blessed and everyone knows I want more children one day. In fact its hard for me to see new mothers at my church without feeling this longing to hold another baby in my arms, my baby.~sigh

on LOVE day, I have to say I love my mother. My mama is a trip and we never had a good relationship until I became a Mom. Actually until I let go and forgave her for my childhood expeiences. All that time I kept reminding her of what went wrong and I wanted her to take responsibility and admit that she had a major part in my low self-esteem and depression. She never did. We would argue as I cried and poured out my heart, hoping she would at least acknowledge my concerns over my past, especially my relationship with her husband which was as damaging to my character as any relationship could be.

But everything changed one day when I was on the phone with her and she said, “Why dont you just stop bringing that stuff up?” I sniffled and realized she was right. by re-hashing that pain I was just reliving it all over again. So I decided that day that I didnt need for her to take responsibilty or apologize, I would forgive. Since then we have not had a major blow out. She still gets on my nerves and I get on hers because I’m sensitive to the things she says and I tend to take something small and run away with it in my imagination. She is a cool person who is finally at a point where she is happy and satisfied and she loves her husband and he loves her. I’m so happy for her.

On LOVE day I cant leave out my Pastor. Pastor is my heart. Since the day I met him I have felt joined to him. When he speaks to me, I am calmed. I have never had a man speak to me with such encouraging words. I have never had am an who didnt criticize me or make me feel bad about myself. Talking with him is so different. He listens to me. He doesnt make me feel like my (MANY) emotions dont matter. When I think about him I want to cry because I love him so much and he doesnt know. I want him to be proud of me and I want to be a blessing to him. I dont think Im there yet but I know he loves me anyway. I appreciate him so much and Im sure he understands.

It’s love day and I love all of ya’ll. Asking God to show me how to love you better.

I believe my entire life is a ministry and it is my pleasure to share my heart, TRULY share my heart, not just the image I want you to see, and for you to receive me, without judgement. You know my heart. You see the good behind the insecurity, the doubts, the hunger for righteousness. I know you feel me. Cuz I feel you.