I think He knows…

Sometimes my son looks up at me and smiles. His little hand just doesnt seem to want to let go of me. He grins at me with this look on his face that says, “You are the greatest!”

My heart is warmed and I give him the biggest hug imagineable and my thoughts float back to the day when I had decided not to have him. When I got pregnant with my second son, Solomon, my heart was broken. His father and I had just gotten back together and things were going pretty well, except for the fact that I knew I was out of God’s will by being with him.

When I found out I was pregnant, a mere two weeks after we had gotten back together, we decided that it wasnt beneficial for either of us to have another child. My career was just looking up after my first son. Somehow I had managed to get back in school and had even received internship offers that would make any budding journalist proud. To have this child would mean I would have had to give up my internships, take a break from school again and struggle even more financially.

I found my old journal that I kept during that time, you know I am always writing. It chronicled my thought process and brought tears to my eyes. I wrote a poem to my unborn child, trying to explain to him that it wasn’t feasible to have another child right now. I apologized to him and asked his forgiveness for what i was planning to do.

Then God stepped in, I know it was Him, because at that time I couldnt see the favor that God would grant me. I just knew that I couldnt go through with it. Everything went just as my sons father had predicted before he left me; I lost my internships, went back on welfare and stopped going to school.

At first I thought all was lost, but now I understand, it was all my gain. I have everything I have ever wanted, two beautiful sons who adore me, my degree (PRAISE THE LORD) and even a good paying job. And for some reason, in those beautiful brown eyes, I see a little boy who knows a good woman when he sees one.

Through my difficult circumstances I made wise choices though they didnt seem that wise in the natural realm. People kept telling me to think about myself. I chose not to. I thought of my son. I thought about God.

It took having my second son to see the truth about his father. He wasnt down for me. He didnt love me like God does. And now I am glad that I honored the ONE who truly loves me because he has kept me even through my disobedience.

I may not live like you think I should live. I may not love like you think I should love. But Im here and God loves me so much and regardless of who believes it or not, regardless of if you think I deserve it, he showers me with blessings everyday.

I may not meet up with man’s approval. I dont seek that anymore. Sitting here in my apartment, enjoying the peace and quiet while my boys sleep, I know that I am pleasing to God. I know He is proud of me and the choices that I continue to make. He gives me favor and grace and His hand is over me. He gives me the strength to move on, even when it seems hopeless.

Guys, I am so in love with my FATHER. The only one who has even been totally pleased with me. I choose not to confuse Him with man who will always look at me through jaded eyes and I choose to make right choices for myself and my children through His guidance. Im not racing anyone. I’m not competing for your blessings. I am moving at my own pace, guided by God, ordained by His will and motivated my love for Him.

I am in Him and He is in me. Always.