When I came away to college I didnt have a good relationship with my family. My mama and my stepfather were always at ends with me. I felt like they hated me, sometimes I felt like I hated them.
Over the course of my extremely long college career i got saved and God began to work in my heart, giving me a heart of forgiveness. I have watched as my mother and I have become closer than we have ever been. My relationship with my stepfather, Allen, has gone from painful and scary to loving and respectful. Regardless of the damage that he has done in my life, I just want to honor him for being faithful in providing for me and my brother and sister.
He is a very hard working man who shows his love through his provision, I never realized that. I was looking for a hug or an encouraging word. When it never came I thought he didnt care, but now I see.
My father, Clarence, was never around when I was growing up. My mother wanted it that way. During the last 17 years I have only seen him twice, once last week when I was in Miami and once 5 years ago. This time when I saw him I felt so many different emotions because I now know that he is not my biological father. I couldnt bring myself to tell him or his mother, my grandma. They still had pictures of me all around their house, they were so glad to see me. I want to have a relationship with him. I want to know him and I want my grandma back.
And the kicker is, when I saw my biological father, Russell, I wasn’t mad anymore. I wasn’t angry at him. I dont know where that came from. I sat in their barber shop and watched my brothers cut hair as he played chess with my uncle Curtis. My brothers are cool. I want to get to know them and their families. I want to show them love. I want the family that I had been missing out on all these years.
Russell’s mom died a few days ago. I never got to meet her because I was acting stubborn. She was my grandmother by blood. I dont want another day to go by without showing love to the people who love me the most. I want to experience the love of family.
I have 3 fathers in Miami that I need to get to know and to show some honor and respect. I never had family before now. I want that. I want to show them all this love that i have inside of me. I always give it to my friends, now it’s my family’s turn.
I went to church this morning, ready for God to knock me down and tell me I had to stay here in Gainesville. I expected Him to do that since I tend to think God’s will for our lives does not line up with our desires. I think that I was wrong. I expected things to suddenly change as soon as I walked into the building, to feel joined in the spirit, to feel like I value the people at my church more than I value my family back home. Well, that’s what my Pastor says should be in my heart.
I expected it to hit me like a bolt of lightening, “Ms. Tee THIS IS YOUR FAMILY” and I was prepared to surrender and be obedient to God’s word. It didnt. Nothing happened.
In fact, my Pastor preached a word about doing what you are anointed to do, and going out in the world to touch the people God wants you to reach.
My passion is in writing and sharing an encouraging word. My heart is in speaking and being transparent enough for the next person to see through me and ultimately see themselves. I want my struggles to be the key to victory for you. I want my tears to be the calming force in your life. I want my joys to elevate your spirit. I am annointed to write, speak and uplift.
And I must go after my dreams.