Me against Them

Someone in my life keeps asking me this question and I keep ignoring him because I don’t want to have to sit down and face the truth.

Answering this question will definately put things into perspective and I’ll be forced to come to a sad, sad conclusion.

I’m running from this because to examine this will be too painful.

He asked me: What do you have against men?

When I even THINK about this question I get upset. But I have forced myself to answer it, rationally and not out of my emotions.

What do I have against men?

Well, I know that all men have an agenda when they meet you.

I’ve learned that men want something from you and they will say what they have to say to get it. It’s not always about sex either. But beware, if a man tells you he doesn’t want sex, that simply means that he is having sex with someone else on a regular basis (i.e. a girlfriend).
Because he is getting his elsewhere. He can take his time with you.

All men want something. Whether it’s an ego stroke or dookey love, they have a goal when they meet you but it’s totally up to you whether they get it or not.

I used to be such a pleaser, man, forget it, I’ll admit it, I still am. I totally ignore my own desires in order to make sure that everyone else is happy. For example my love for giving oral pleasure, but my dislike for receiving it. Also, my ability to lend money, but my inability to borrow money. And let’s not forget my inclination to do nice things for people, but I feel bad when someone does something nice for me. I feel like I owe them.

So it looks like the men are getting what they want from me, (the booty, the gifts, the sweetness) but actually I’m giving what I want to give.

For me it’s out of kindness, the one quality that many of the men I meet lack, but for men, it’s about conquering.

What do I have against men?

It’s my male friends fault.

Ever gotten so cool with a man that he tells you all his dirt? Lord, I tell you, it’s not a good place to be. To hear these guys scheme on chicks make me sick to my stomache. When I leave my brother’s barber shop I literally despise men. And when I talk to my boy E, EVERY SINGLE TIME, I tell him I give up on men period.

According to him, it’s all about bragging rights and booty. Who sexed the best chicks? (Yeah dawg, I banged this chick with green eyes…) Who sexed the most chicks? Who can get the most while giving the least? According to him, it’s a game. One disgusting game of selfishness and deceit. And he says men only get married after they finish looking around and give up on finding something better than who they already have.

What do I have against men?

My Baby Daddy did it. Wow. I realized that what I thought was love between us was nothing of the sort.

What do you do when you love someone?

You compromise. You accept them for who they are. You encourage them and challenge them in love. You take care of them and hold them in high esteem.

My entire 3 year relationship with him had none of those qualities. ~sigh~

I am just realizing that.

And while I sometimes wonder how he could love me so much then hate me so much, I have come to the conclusion that this dude never loved me. In fact, he never liked me as a person. He was never satisfied with me.

I was his first girlfriend. His first shot at some steady booty. And I was cute, ofcourse he had to take it. But he didn’t really like who I was. But he liked the steady sex, so he tried to change me with his criticisms. He tried to make me feel bad about who I was so that I would become who he wanted me to be. But it didn’t quite work that way. Instead of transforming into who he wanted me to be, I withdrew into myself and began to hate myself, which made him hate me more.

Now that I have a relationship with him where this is absolutely no sex, I can see how he feels about me. Without sex, there are no sweet words, no booty rubs or kindness. You can really see what a man is all about when you are not having sex with him.

What do I have against men?

Where’s my father figure?

Oh yeah, I do have a biological father right here in Miami but I didn’t know him until I was 23. In fact, I still don’t know him and don’t really want to. Dude is so emotional. I’m not used to men being like that with me. You want a hug? You want me to call you Daddy? LMAO! Yeah right. The only time I use the word Daddy is when I’m talkin dirty after dark.

But secretly, I’m yearning for a strong man to hold me close. To affirm me. To tell me that I am beautiful and that everything will be okay. To stand with me against my baby daddy so I won’t feel so uninformed and alone.

What do I have against men?

It’s my Stepfather, man. He has singlehandedly set the standard for how I allow men to treat me in my life. Notice that I wrote, “how I allow”? Yeah, I do believe it’s a choice. A choice that I am changing as we speak. Because he was so harsh, so frank, so critical, I seem to attract the same type of men and I accept it, because his actions set the standard for my definition of love.

But no more. If a black cats crosses my path while I’m even considering ‘liking’ a man, I will STOP TALKING TO HIM IMMEDIATELY. No more rough joking, no more ‘pushing me to improve.’ No more disapproving speeches. I am D.O.N.E.

But the crazy part is, little by little I have come to realize that all the things my stepfather said about men, are true. It’s wild but when I was little I had this fantasy in my mind of someone out there made just for me. And I thought men wanted to know me and be blessed by me and bless me back, but my Stepfather diffused that irrational thought. One day he told me, “Dating is just picking a DAY to MATE (f**k).”

Now ain’t that the the truth?

What do I have against men?

Ask my former Pastor.

We were so close. So tight. So cool. We talked everyday. Until I didn’t want to be a part of his church anymore. I think it’s been about a year since I spoke to him. Wow, it’s been a year since I’ve moved to Miami. Coincidence? Not. Men want you to do what THEY want you to do, when you don’t you’re OUT!

What do I have against men?

My body.

Damn. I can’t help it. Regardless of all this crap and all this proof that men are just a waste of time and out to take and not give, I STILL want one of their punk asses.

Why? Why? Why?

I don’t know.

I am bitter, yes I am. But inside, in the dark, dark recesses, where I won’t let anyone stop by or take a peek, I have a glimmer of hope that one day, one man will break through my insecurities and wrestle with me to prove me wrong.

~smirking~ Child please.

We’ll see…