Believe

Damn I feel good!

Come on, you know me, I’m gonna have to be honest. That was some good icecream I had the other night. It’s funny because I rarely call him. I don’t wanna get too mixed up with someone I know has no potential for longe range likeability. But oh, he does make me feel so good.

I had forgotten how good icecream can make you feel. I completely forgot about why people do it and why it’s so popular. I had gotten used to doing it as a prerequisite for social intimacy with a man. I’d do it because I felt that it was what he wanted, and I’d get what I wanted, a man holding me and telling me sweet things.

But it never went further than the session lasted. Aftet he would leave, I’d feel empty and sad. It’s been years since a man spent the night with me. Years since I’ve cuddled with anyone. So many years since I’ve heard the words I Love You.

For the longest I had believed that I was incapable of being loved by a man. Who’d want me? I’m difficult and demanding and so damn emotional that I turn most men off. So I guess I settled for pseudo intimacy and a damn drink. I have been short changing myself.

With him, I feel like I can be more comfortable. I love the drama free situation we have. We both interact soley when we need to release and I don’t speak to him any other time. But when I need to be touched, when I need to caressed, he’s there for me, however infrequently and I allow him into my bed, between my legs and inside of my being, for the shortest of time. Enough to make my body cry and sigh and beg to be released.

He’s no top gun. He ain’t the biggest one. But for some reason, after he and I, enjoy the sweet surprise of our interwined lives I am soo happy I could fly. I don’t know why. I have no idea, why, he makes me sing the next day, or why I stay away for so long following our union.

It’ll be at least six months til I see him again. I admit it’s a trend, but it keeps me sane.

I don’t know what he’s feeling and frankly I don’t care, all I’m aware of is, he’s there when I need him most. So we toast, to our reunion, and I give him a hug goodbye, no one cries, cuz our lives run in opposite directions.

Though I dance my happy dance, cuz his touch puts me in a trance he remains, quite the same as the others who have hit and split. Not quite meaningless, but close enough, with my luck I’ll enjoy him a few times more. Though I want more. More than just a friend with a lovely countenance, any hint of romance, a slow dance or commitment, is hidden from me. I’m no dummy, I know what I’m doing.

And that…

Is…

Killing any hope of truly being free, any hope of truly being loved. Cuz like Val said, I never hope for love. I can dream about success, nice houses and all the rest but I’ll be damned I would ever dare to dream of someone loving me completely, earnestly as the greatest gift to me.

Yeah it’s sad, but I don’t lie, I got to push, pull and cry as I received the closest thing to intimacy that I’ve felt in along time.

So I’m sorry Dear husband, wherever you are. If you’re there and you care that I’m not being true.

It’s just…I’m not there yet.

I still don’t believe in you.