Heart Changes

It seems like writing this blog affects my life.

When I get up the nerve to admit one of my faults publicly I am forced to confront it and make a change. Last week I admitted to being a slutty whore who uses guys for sex and discards them afterwards because I’m afraid they’ll discard me if I don’t.

After I wrote that something happened.

So weird.

Something changed.

I don’t want to be like that anymore.

And so.. I’m not. It’s as easy as embracing a new attitude.

When I think about my past sexual encounters I realize that I was hunching men that I would NEVER consider being in a relationship with. EVERY MAN that I’ve had sex with for the past 5 years does not meet the criteria I have in my mind for my dream man. They don’t even meet HALF the criteria for my dream man yet I’m giving my body to them so freely.

Was I that desperate for a nut? Maybe I was. But the sad part is, I rarely got one. So I was allowing these men to use me for a quick body shiver and I got nothing in return.

I don’t want that anymore. I don’t want to have to convince myself to like someone or make excuses for them just so I can have some attention. If he ain’t all that then he ain’t all that. And I KNOW I want a man that is ALL THAT! I’m not gonna settle for less anymore.

I’m not gonna be anyone’s number 2 chick anymore. It is not exciting or cute to be the woman on the side. It’s not cute to be called at 1am for a quickie.

I am a lady. I am intelligent, pretty and personable. How could I have allowed so many idiots in my bed and between my legs.

I’m half way disgusted with myself.

Ughhhh…

I can’t believe that I thought I didn’t deserve better than that. I can have more than that. I am worth more than that.

This is some good p**** and any man that is lucky enough to partake will have earned his piece. I’m not short changing myself anymore. No man I’ve ever met is worth it. I have yet to meet a man who is up to par. If I have to be single for the rest of my life so be it.

I don’t want some regular dude. I want a man with a vision to change the world. I want a man who could appreciate me being by his side and in his ear propelling him toward greatness in every facet of his life.

Is that too much to ask?

It can’t be, otherwise God would not have given me the desire for it.

My heart was tested recently. One of the music biz guys half way flirted with me while we were doing business. I was a little confused, wondering if he was flirting or not. We spent time together and I played it cool. I looked at him as he told me, “You’re beautiful.”

I felt nothing.

No inclination to see how big he was or if he could handle a chick like me. I just smiled, thanked him and kept it moving.

I’m not interested in being a buffet anymore.

There’s a long selection process to get up in this piece.

~shrugs~

I can’t believe it myself.