I wrote this letter to my first love, B. We are still close friends. Before I began this journey of becoming homeless on purpose, not even knowing that it would change my worldview and my life forever, he began a similar journey and he shared his thoughts with me.
Now that this project is over, I emailed him to share a few thoughts, hoping for a reply from him simply because, I miss him. He says that I am his oldest friend and knowing him and having him in my life, makes me feel better about me.
I wrote:
I was able to move up out of homelessness after 4 months. It was a hard journey and I think that I learned some tough lessons for such an idealistic person like myself. One- This is a hard world and most people hate themselves and can not love others. 2- most people are greedy and selfish. 3. I don’t belong here. 4. I cant change anything but myself.
But now, the truth is, I don’t desire anything anymore. I don’t want to be a leader. I don’t want to be a success. I just want my sons to grow up knowing they are loved and valuable and I want to die smiling in my sleep. Anything beyond that would be a gift to me.
I do hope this note finds you well. would love to chat with you sometime.
Love, Tee
He Replied:
Tee, You’ve grown…so much… you understand the naughts of desire, and once you’ve gone a while with the bare minimal, your eye’s look, but your minds’ eye (perception) is clearer, and better yet your consciousness knows…you feel it as an intuition—as truth, that there is nothing in this world to be desired.
They are just superficial attachments of the psyche. The mind trying to find purpose in the truth of reality—that all is fleeting, that all is changing–it is the sole constant in the universe–change. It can’t be tamed, it can’t be reasoned with, and change cannot be avoided. Now I bet conversations seem so empty…you can’t quite put your finger on it. It’s the words and content of what people say that is so filled with desire that it irks you. It does so because you’re aware of a truth that most people only realize at the moment right before they die, I can’t take all of my “accumulations” with me. Not my success, not anything. I hope no one has told you that your just “giving up” on life, and that you’re scared to face it head on…cause they would be so wrong.
Look at it like this: Everything that is born, must die…Everything that is created, must be destroyed. This is the cycle of existence that we see everyday in our lives right before our very eyes and yet we ignore it.
1.) I desire shelter from the elements so I construct a home from wood. The wood however is decaying, it is in constant change, and it will eventually be destroyed and reabsorbed. I know this, you know this, everyone knows this…yet we desire the home instead of being content and at peace with the basic premise of it’s function…which is simply to be a shelter for the time being..should I desire from this anything more than what it is IN ITSELF( decaying wood), I am merely deceiving my self and thus inviting suffering from clinging to something as fickle as the wind.
2.) You said you feel as if “you don’t belong here”. This is the “real you” that is emerging. Think of it like this: The body is like a burning house, constructed of materials that will decay. It is simply a temporary shelter like the home constructed of wood to brave the elements for the time being. Most people don’t even realize it, they’re asleep or sleep walking around the house that is clearly on fire, they arrange furniture, and keep accumulating things(desires) they think are valuable (success, material things, etc), but these are all desires that distract them from seeing that they’re wasting their time. It’s all gonna burn down with the house. But there is something that can’t be burned something that is eternal, it is the you that’s waking up and realizing that something is wrong, that intuition saying “I don’t belong here”, of course you don’t, the house is on fire!
Now how do you solve this dilemma? how do you get at that itch? how do you come to know intuitively, like you do about desire, the you that doesn’t belong? You search for it! You cling to life not because you’re afraid to die, but because you haven’t answered your question yet. You sit down close your eyes, keep your back straight, and put that feeling in the middle of your mind and ask it EVERY SINGLE question you can think of! who are you? Who is that that feels this way? why? what am I not seeing? hearing? feeling? in between the questions focus on the flow of your breath in your chest.. the path it takes as it goes in and out..it gives you life, and you expel death…your body is on fire, the oxygen is the fuel and the food in your stomach is the material that is burning…it’s why you have to keep replenishing it like throwing wood on a fire.
Every breath you take is testament to this…yet we’ve been doing it for so long that we forget this essential aspect of our identity. If my soul is eternal, why is it when I try to stop my breath I gasp? toil? Why won’t I accept it as part of the natural cycle of the universe? What am I afraid of? This is when your true purpose will reveal itself. You will realize that there is nothing in the world to be desired except to come into direct contact with that which is eternal, your true self…higher consciousness.( like I tell you all the time, me telling you and you coming to know this intuitively is two different things) Like I’ve said before…it’s like your consciousness matures with each session.
Put the question of your existence on the forefront of your thoughts,center it…let everything that you say in your mind, deal specifically with that question… don’t go off on tangents, if you do, bring your concentration back on your question than your breath….1. ask the question, focus on it, than focus on your breath..the path it takes, how it moves, every single detail about the process of breathing and then 2. search for the answer in your “observing your breath”. It’s like letting your subconscious answer the question. The key is practice…everything you need to understand the universe and thus yourself and your place in it is within you, because the universe exists within you. We are made of star dust, the processes of the universe are reflected in us.
By placing a question to your subconsciousness, and then focusing on a fundamental aspect of life (breathing) you’re triggering your subconscious to to respond in a manner that is similar to something as fundamental as breathing. You do it everyday and thus the answer is within you and “out of you” (out there) at all times, but like most people ignoring their breathing, we chose to ignore the answer before us. In meditation it is known as “mindfulness”. It actually works. Their are truths to behold when your awareness (not consciousness) expands. You become “aware” of your consciousness. once you’re aware of it, you raise it, teach it clarify it, and like a child it matures…aka higher consciousness.
It’s not the end of your world, it’s the beginning. I’ve been where you’ve been…taking the leap to see what will happens, and coming to know what’s really important. Learn to meditate…mindful meditation to be exact.
With all my Love,
B